What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

Get a small dog (more manageable) to force you to go on dog walks, but also something to love and be loved by?

If you don’t have the money to go on lots of holidays, becoming dog walking people might get you out of your fug?

Oh Ive been there. It is tough. But you can change it I promise. Think of it as a five year plan, rather than something that's going to happen overnight.

Move somewhere mire interesting ( the house is probably on too high a price so need to drop it). Make the sixteen year old less dependent. Teach them skills my 16 year old gets her self all over the city, cooks, cleans and has a job. All good skills.

Then just go for it. Join loads of things.Do loads of things, speak to people be friendly. Some people will like, you, some people won't.That's fine! Join social things where there are events like team Sports (I am fecking useless at my sport but love it), a choir, running club, go to the extra activities or suggest socials.

Its hard pushing through that feeling of lowness but do it before it embeds.

@Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings reading is a start.
Re-read old favourites.
As well as Lego I actually like collecting old books and enjoying going to secondhand book places.
Someone actually asked me what I plan to do with these books.
One part of me daydreams about writing a book or something about the history of them or doing a photographic thing about the different covers but deep down I know that isn't going to happen. It basically it gives me a goal to aim for (completing a set) and I enjoy the actual searching and finding the books.

If money, location, responsibilities etc were not an issue what would you like to do? Take responsibility for your happiness and joy. You are still a young woman.

What sort of job did you change to?

I have a degree and worked professionally pre DC but obviously then was out of the workplace when they were little. I feel like I'm not capable of much else.

Thank you do everyone who is posting especially as you are all being very kind.

Two massive labradors do that!

This is the issue. Nothing.
I've never wanted to achieve anything. Never had a skill. Never had any ambition.

After graduation I took a milk round job, earned more and more. Then gave it up.

Best thing I ever did was be at home with my small children. That's the happiest I've ever been. (I wouldn't feel the same about other people's children!)

GooseCreekandtheRiver

Love you answer

Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings

Why not volunteering?

You do sound depressed. Would you go to GP?

@Italiangreyhound no, this is something I need to sort out myself.

Could you maybe foster animals for a rescue? It’s rewarding and useful, but doesn’t involve high ambition. Appreciate that may be hard if you’ve already got dogs though

I've got to go out for a while so not ignoring anyone's replies.

Its making me feel better that other people have been in the same boat.

Honestly it's not normal to feel like this. See your GP who can arrange some online talk therapy for you which might help. You may also consider some meds - sometimes your brain just gets mixed up and you need a jump start to get out of this pit. It's not about masking things. It's literally that your brain doesn't have the good stuff it should have.

https://jacobmoussai.com/why-some-adults-need-medication-to-regain-mental-balance/

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

What?!!!!
Don’t be ridiculous, that’s just inventing excuses for the sake of it. Pre cook if you must. Leave the ‘almost empty nest’ actually bloody empty once in a while! Pandering to almost adults is doing them and you absolutely no favours whatsoever

Placing unnecessary constraints on your life and making it smaller for no good reason is probably part of why you feel so low

OP, is all well with you and your DH? Do you have things in common and like spending time together/doing things together?

I have a very big job indeed and I am still able to do things at the weekend. Especially given that my husband (like you) does most of the cooking and domestic stuff around the house. If you’re at home sorting all this, why exactly is he too tired to do anything fun at the weekend?

I think you have depression. Go to GP asap and get medicated, you'd never know it could be the transformation you need right now. If it works you will be happier in yourself, if it doesn't, well then there's something else going on.

You could decide to do nothing. Not everyone fills every day with lots of things, not everyone has a huge friend circle, not everyone has a close family, not everyone has enough money to DO things.But they enjoy life within limits anyway.

I'd think about what would make me a bit happier. If that's nothing, well then that's not true because you wouldn't be here would you? So what is it that would make you a little more content?

In the first instance, get some help for your mental stability. You may not be suffering from depression, but you might be. The GP will advise. Try it anyway and see if it improves anything. Be proactive in that department at least, and then you can decide what to do.

Get a dog, honestly I’m not really doggy. But I got one on a whim 7yrs ago now when my husband left. That dog has got me through some dark times. He makes me get up and out every single day, he gives me purpose, he greets me, he cuddles me every day. And he protects the house like he’s part of the SAS squad. Adore him

Your comment about hobbies and not being
good at anything struck me. A hobby can be public and competitive or it can be a private pleasure. It can be being absolutely rubbish at something but finding it gives you peace and joy. Its about doing something, anything that is perhaps absolutely pointless and just ‘because’. Also, it is something you have to cultivate. It doesn't just happen. If you like reading, join a book club. Or go to a cafe to read your book there for a change of scenery. Visit the free museums or gallery in your local town that you have never been to before. Might be a flop or not for you-but trying will
stimulate your brain. And might prompt
some-now i didnt like that but its made me think i might like ‘this’. You need to go out and try absolutely futile things because you are worth it. Curiosity sparks curiosity. Keep it low stakes and just try some stuff!

I feel every word of your post and it's hard.... I do a hobby but it's at home so doesn't get me out the house.

I need to declutter the house but motivation is on the floor, started HRT so maybe that will give me a bolt!!!

Can you recommend any home exercises for me to do? I need to help myself too...

can you work at a vets or a kennel, if you dont think you want to work with children,
or join a choir?

Go and see a women's health specialist and try a different cocktail of HRT. The correct one will do so much more for you than the current dose you're taking seems to do. Prescribing HRT is an art, it's so unique to the individual, and something a regular NHS GP will rarely get right.

try birding

Get a rescue dog. A dog turns a house into a home. It means you need to get out walking every day whatever the weather. Great for physical and mental health. They give so much love and will bring real meaning to your life.

What about childminding or fostering? You sound like you loved being with your own children, maybe you have something to give other children.
I changed my job at 54 and it's the best thing i have ever done.

What leads you to believe that?

I hear you, I get you, I understand.

I think as women we soak up so much. You mention "empty nester" Is this playing on your mind?

The conventional advice is to "join things" Personally this has made me feel worse often. A crushing loneliness. So I try small things now. No committment.

You seem like you are waiting.....waiting to sell the house, waiting for the nest to empty.

Therapy? Meds?

As a start I suggest you see your GP and get your bloods done - you maybe suffering from a thyroid hormone deficiency which can make you feel depressed and tired. Mention your depression to him.

You're right to pre-empt your empty nest - I didn't and it hit me terribly - despite a great job, social life and husband and plenty of hobbies. Once that part of your life becomes redundant it takes a while to find 'you' again rather than being 'mum'.

I agree about the nightly cooking - don't do it every night - let that go. It's absolutely not necessary and so what if they have a ready meal now and again, and also cook themselves?

You won't be tied to that term time only job - have a look out there and see if you can find something more interesting and rewarding. I think the house move thing is contributing to your feeling of being in limbo - so hard to make definitive plans with that hanging over you.

It might sound superficial, but also maybe give yourself a bit of a makeover - a few new clothes, makeup etc. You are obviously very fit with the exercising, so that might be pleasurable?

People always suggest joining clubs but personally for you I think getting a different job is the answer. Maybe suggesting things you could do with your husband at the weekend - a theatre visit, garden visit, weekend away somewhere nice.

I feel for you OP. Those middle years of life can be tricky to navigate - but you can absolutely turn this round to a happier future.