What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

It's very easy to label someone as depressed. Maybe it's unhappiness? Feeling undervalued?

It does sometimes seem as if 'depressed' is now a synonym for old fashioned 'fed up'.

OP is bored, has no direction, unfulfilled with her work. Feels tied to the kitchen stove.

It's really common for many women at 50 ish to feel this when their kids fly the nest.

IMO the answer is to dig deep into what makes you tick.

Create a bucket list of what you could do 'if only...' and then work backwards to what IS possible.

OP I know it's easy to say, but only you can change this.

Maybe start with ONE thing- find a club or group you might enjoy. You aren't signing up for life- just go along to a couple of meetings and see how it goes.
And reconsider your career.

Definitely try and change jobs, even to something part time. TTO jobs aren't that great when you can take your holidays at any time of year and your kids don't need you around during school holidays.

Christ, what a problem to have! You’re pretty much the same age as me, though I have children at home still.

I’d be doing work that I enjoyed that wasn’t paying term time only for a start. I left my 20 year career mid 40s, retrained and started a business doing something that fills my cup.

Around the school runs I still have to do, I do things with my horse (childhood hobby that I re-discovered in my 40s). I also hike loads, so I set aside one day a week for a full day hike usually 8-12 miles. I’ve walked a camino, training to walk another one next year, probably about 80 ish miles the route I’ll do.

I’m part of some support groups so usually go meet up with the ladies from my group once a month. If I had more time and money, I’d go to the cinema more and to the theatre.

Dh and I would do more things together just the two of us if we had the free time. Lunch, tea & cake, hiking, cycling, beach.

I am also the cook in our house, but doesn’t stop me going anywhere in the evenings. There are always leftovers or at least two other people who can cook just fine or generally they will find food and survive.

I like to travel and I try to take a solo holiday or two every year. Once kids are off, Dh and I plan to go back to India and Sri Lanka, where we travelled when we were young. I want to go to Bali and to Thailand.

I also have advanced cancer plus several other chronic illnesses. I may not live that long and get to do all those things! I’m exhausted and don’t feel well a lot of the time, but it doesn’t stop me doing things.

You sound like you’ve stopped living. You only get one life. You have to make it what you want it to be. A good life won’t just fall in your lap. My life is great (despite the fact I might die in the next few years), but it’s that way because I’ve made it like that.

Yes, like people who make it a target to visit every football ground, train station, lighthouse, whatever in the UK. It's giving yourself a project so you have something to plan around and achieve.

You don't have to sell art you make. I keep a nature journal, I,live rurally too, very few contacts. I walk in the countryside, observe nature, there is plenty in the garden too to look at. I draw and paint it in journal, and just doing that makes you really look at things. You can then research what you find in,one if you so desire, or share your work with other nature journal less if you so desire. You do NOT need to be a good artist - many who do this have never drawn since childhood and are embarrassed that their work may look childish. But you don't have to show anyone, and the more you draw the better you will get.
and it takes you out of yourself - I am a retired adult education teacher, and many of my students were in a similar place, and found that being in and recording nature was a great help. It's not about making great art, it's about being more immersed in nature and seeing it better.
and it doesn't cost a lot of money - a sketchbook, a couple of pencils to start with.
I do hope you can find something to help you feel better. 💐

I think everyone has the capacity to feel what you’re feeling, it is not unusual. Life never stays still, so one has to flex and adapt to the changes that time inevitably brings. Which is not always easy to find a new direction.

Sit with the thoughts and something may become clear to you. You don’t have to have a mad, overriding, lifelong passion - the vast majority don’t. We just bumble along, somewhat taken by the current that is life.

Think about it, but don’t overthink. You do not need to find an answer, just find peace. Lives are for the most part, pretty dull, studded with high points, dramas, life changing events. But mainly just plodding on.

Boredom/ennui will be the source of the next inspiration, I’m sure. You may not know what it is yet but once you get truly bored, the need to find something will be the strongest force and off you will go again, on a new tangent.

Or you may find that you are happy with boredom, routine and small pleasures! There is no one way to live a life.

If all else fails, a big, new, meaty full time job will keep you occupied!

If a person feels rough it's not helpful for others to list their lust for life and get up and go.
Nobody chooses depression

I felt suicidal after WI

I've applied for loads of volunteering roles but no joy. I don't have any references, and nobody to ask to be a referee, so often I don't even get past the application phase. My disability (MS) also makes it difficult to commit to things. I've given up hope of getting work, voluntary or otherwise.

Also I'm in my 60s so feel as if I'm completely on the scrapheap.

@mindutopia agree with everything you’ve said. I also have cancer, in my 30s, what I’d give to just be bored. OP needs to seek medical help, either she’s depressed or is lacking something, it’s sad to read as I come to terms with my now constrained life.

OP, this was me four years ago. Here’s what I did:
I literally threw myself out of the front door and joined whatever was going in the village. This was: ladies choir (hated it, stayed until after the Christmas concert and then made my excuses) where even though I discovered I can’t sing very well, I made a couple of new friends who invited me to go church bell ringing. I was terrible at the bells, (and they were kind, but booted me out) but I made more really random friends who I would never have met otherwise. Then I volunteered to join a parish committee. Did that for three years, was interesting and I made more random friends. The upshot of this was that now when I wander down to the village shop, chances are that I will meet someone I know and stop for a chat. Before, I knew hardly anyone and didn’t socialise in the village at all.

I also took a long hard look at my cv and rewrote it. Took out dates of when I was at university and my birthdate and started applying for jobs in a different sector. It took about 12 months and I’ll be honest, I needed that to get the hang of interviews again, but I got a new job, and I feel like a completely different, much happier, person.

Also, batch cook and freeze dinners for seven days. If you are out or can’t be bothered to cook, get one and eat it. Saves hours of mind-numbing mental load mid-week.

There were times when I despaired and my husband kept my spirits up, but I made the changes. Husband says he can’t see me retiring any time yet because I’m enjoying my job too much. You can do it. Get out of the front door, be brave and start making some changes.

@Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings

why do you need to be home every evening to cook? Gonna be hard for you to develop a social life if you stick to that…

To all the posters suggesting OP is depressed:

I thought this, about myself.

I went to my GP and poured my heart out to her, told her everything I've said in my previous posts, plus the other things that were getting me down and making me feel as if there wasn't much point in going on.

She told me that she could prescribe antidepressants if I wanted her to, but she wasn't happy to do so as the things that were making me depressed (and she conceded I was) would still be there even if I took the medication. She said that masking my depression wasn't the answer and unless my situation changed, I wouldn't feel any better long term.

She was absolutely correct, of course, but as I have no way of changing my situation there was nothing I could do and I am still no further forward.

I hear you OP. I’m identical to you in many ways.

i do have hobbies though and I volunteer, but I’m finding as time goes on I just can’t be arsed with any of it. I have zero drive and just can’t spark myself up. My youngest leaves home next year and I’m dreading the feeling of redundancy. I’ve always been a bit useless as a human being other than being a mum.

i get overwhelmed, hugely so and it paralyses me. I am sidelined by my husband for his job much of the time (this can’t be helped but it’s tough) and it’s dictated our entire lives, increasingly in a bit of a downwards spiral. I just have no idea what the next 30+ years will look like as my body and health decline.

In just can’t be arsed. I’m the same age as you and I’ve started HRT to see if it helps. I am just very conscious that I’m useless! If I could just lie in bed all day and do nothing I would.

no idea how to snap out of this. I’m no longer me, I’m someone else.

But antidepressants can lift someone’s spirits enough that they are able to do something that CAN change their situation. If you can’t, that is different from the OP who seeks to have to ability to change things, but not the drive to do so.

Hi OP, I think many women feel the same. What did you do for fun at 15/16? There lies the answer!

See what classes U3A have

Absolutely agree. The pp @SemolinaZabaglione is no further forwards because she is UNABLE to change her situation due to low mood, inertia, depression. By taking anti depressant medication, it might just give her the motivation to change things about her life that would mean weaning off the meds eventually.

You cannot get blood from a stone. I am disappointed that her GP didn't at least prescribe them to give it a try.

Go back to the GP SemolinaZ, and demand something to help you along. You deserve a good life and meds can help.

@SemolinaZabaglione I think what we mean is that she needs to reflect on depression and then treat it, be that medically, therapeutically or like you say lifestyle changes. Whatever the problem and solution, it should be addressed, not ignored.

Honestly you sound depressed.

Life is too precious and too short to be this low .

You sound so passive and like you have a victim complex.

So many things could help but a full time job would fill the time, give you a challenge and get you more money and boost your self esteem.

My GP said something similar to me.

I'd say you have depression and are probably on the spectrum too, hence the exhaustion and total lack of motivation.

I do agree that you have to be very open to doing new things with the mindset that you don't have to love it. Join a local gardening group, litter picking group, get into competitive jigsaws, volunteer at Parkrun, start geocaching, bird watching, take up photography.

It doesn't matter if you are not "good" to sales standard at a hobby. Hobbies are beneficial in lots of other ways. But if you dismiss things without even giving them a try then nothing is going to change.

Going to the Theatre is a great past time and addictive, easy to go on your own if you want to, if you like readying theatre could suit you. I’ve become a member at my local one and go to London theatres a lot.

upu don’t have to cook daily btw, my 14 can cook, M&S ready meals

Sad as it is, strangers on the internet are not going to be able to help. You are the only person who can help yourself. You have to have motivation, which you don’t seem to have. I sense you’re already making lots of excuses for not taking people up on their suggestions. You have to really look deep into yourself for something, anything, that you’d genuinely enjoy. Often there is something, but lack of motivation to do it means you’re always going to be stuck in a rut.