What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

Come on OP - I have primary age kids and do the vast majority of the cooking and I still go out some evenings! I either make something in advance that can be heated up, or I just tell DH to get on with it and sort dinner for him and the kids - and he does, might be frozen pizza but so what! If you have teenagers then they can cook.

sounds like you could be depressed? Or you need a new job or project in your life? Things to look forward to!

OP I can see that you are responding to loads of people, but not my post about antidepressants. I’m offended (not really!). You said to someone that you don’t want to go to a GP as you want to help yourself. Acknowledging that you might have depression is helping yourself. It’s not something to be ashamed of. I say this from experience as I felt that same but my very kind boss took me on hand one day and told me that he was concerned about how lacking in energy, focus and drive I seemed. It wasn’t affecting my work performance, just that he could see a difference. It really upset me at the time but I did see a GP and a low dose antidepressant really helped. The thing that really jumps out at me is that you seem really apathetic. Resigned to an existence you don’t like. This is where antidepressants can really help as they just log you slightly. I felt an immediate difference and it helped me to feel more motivated and make better choices. It’s not abrogating responsibility, it’s making an active choice to do something for yourself. That’s what you really want, surely? Why else would you post? I say all this kindly as I recognise so much of what you describe.

by the way....the nest can empty and then bloody well refill!

Oh OP I feel this so much.

DS has just left home - he's in his 30s so it was definitely time, but by god I miss him. I can't work because I'm disabled and I had to give up my hobbies years ago because of my disability.

I don't have any friends or family other than DS and DH. Not working means I don't have any spare money to pay for outings etc. I'm so lonely and without purpose and I can't see that changing.

All I do is go to the supermarket and cook/clean (fair enough as DH works full time and let's face it I'm doing nothing else). I can't believe that this is it now.

I look back on the person I was ten years ago and can't believe I am where I am. I often feel as if there's absolutely no point going on.

Nothing to suggest @Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings but can offer a hand hold.

Like a lot of people you have led a conventional life thus far (uni, grad job, kids) - and this can feel stifling.

I've always "volunteered" but it's ended up like more work - school governor, charity trustee etc.

What is freeing is realising:

1. There are no medals
2. Nobody cares (with maybe the exception of our kids)

So, you don't need to do the worthy but dull stuff - leave that to others if you would find it yet another chore.

Get a tattoo, apply to go on a gameshow, parachuting?

I mean, I've done none of those things - but you get the idea.

You are not here merely to smooth the path of others through their lives!

I am not sure if you’re depressed or just stuck in a rut, and don’t want to change anything to get out of it.

I would get your hormone levels checked first and see if it’s that.

It sounds like it relates to your identity of being a wife and mum and not knowing where you are when that ends.

Perhaps the house move will help, but you may need to make some changes, or nothing will change.

Solidarity. How about some art? Even just splashing paint on paper is therapeutic. A class is better still, or you tube lessons. Cheap materials on vinted or the Range.

Or buying and selling on vinted or car boots is fun, and you can make a few quid.

I took quite a few years off trying to solve this problem. I researched and researched and followed all of the advice. I volunteered, I was physically active, I met lots of new people, I went on yoga and meditation retreats, I spent time outdoors, I went swimming in the sea, I left my career to follow my dreams, I spent weekends doing nothing and just Being...

I just ended up poorer and no happier. I've decided "sod it". Life is hard whatever you do. I'm shattered all of the time whatever I do. I might as well earn a bit more money whilst enduring it. I've returned to my professional job.

You say you don't want to volunteer but to me it's just a case of finding the right volunteering job. It's not all on the front desk at charity shops or running youth sports. The RNLI crews are all volunteers, for example!

What really interests you?

Term time office job. No spare cash.

Surely this is the easiest fix.

Get a non term time only job and one that means something.
You can work 3/4 days a week even but it will still be better than working TTO.

You are unfulfilled.
You need a job that creates purpose.

You don’t need to do anything too challenging but perhaps something that you are passionate about - children in care, domestic violence, animals in need etc

See I wouldn't automatically try antidepressants, they aren't without side effects.
I'd recommend occupational therapy first. No side effects, if you don't like one activity you move on to the next.
Sailing probably saved my sister's mental health.

this all of this.
Why is eating protein exhausting? My advice would be to see your doctor. THis is NOT normal.

Do you know what Occupational Therapy actually is?

You could have been me 3 years ago. Empty house. House on the market. DH working. I had no real hobbies apart from reading and cooking. Went to the GP, tried HRT. Didn’t work so tried sertraline. I had no depression. Just felt slightly anxious, stuck in a rut with no va va voom.
I am now 51 and living my best life. It sorted out my mood which lifted me in every other way. Apparently sertraline is often used with menopause. I spend my days cooking, decorating the new house, gardening etc etc.
I still have no interest in becoming the next Tracey Emin or Albert Einstein but I do what I love.
Fall back in love with the house you are selling. Buyers probably see you have fallen out of love with it. Make it into somewhere you would buy. Give yourself a little project so you can move on.
Someone told me a while ago that this age is actually the start of YOUR life. Not being responsible for everybody else’s.

OP, it sounds like a life of service. While you don't regret giving up your former job, you've centred your whole life around other people and their needs. You need to find something for yourself. You don't have any hobbies because you've not had any opportunities to explore anything. What about joining a book club if you like reading? Or pick something completely random locally and give it a try?

I'd probably start off small before doing anything big, like changing jobs. Getting stuck in a rut is exhausting and you lose the motivation and confidence to tackle anything huge. Small steps.

I’m sorry for your disability 💐

I wonder if you could volunteer for a charity, not only will it help the charity but it will also give you lots of purpose.
There are loads of things you can do from home and only need to volunteer a couple hours a week.

I used to volunteer getting foster placements for pets when their owners were fleeing domestic violence.

I would find one you’re passionate about or one in the local community so you can start meeting new people.

You say exercise is the only thing you enjoy, so build on that. Do you run? If not, don't dismiss it until you've really given it a go.

Running outside in the fresh air and elements will do so much more for your mental health and your endorphins than working out in the house. If you live rurally then perhaps you can run off-road, which is another level of excitement and challenge. I'm a fell runner and there aren't words to describe the joy I get from it, even though I'm mediocre and will never come close to winning a race - winning is in no way the point.

In time you could look at joining a running club, which will give you opportunities to expand your social circle and perhaps get involved in aspects of running the club too. Running socially is brilliant even if you think it's not for you, it'll give you confidence to go places you might not go on your own and you'll get encouragement and support. The camaraderie I get from my running club has enhanced my life so much.

It's time to find some joy in being you and to stop identifying yourself in terms of what you do for others - those things are valuable but this is your time now.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

You said you're an almost empty-nester which suggests your children are doing their A-levels or similar. In which case why on earth can they not cook?

Or even if there is some reason I can't think of why they can't prepare food, surely you could get something ready in advance to be put in the oven or eaten cold.

Feeling stuck and unmotivated is horrible, and it's so hard to get out of this rut once you're in it.

One of my friends said something that has really stuck with me: think about where you get your energy from (i.e. what brings you a feeling of joy).

The trouble comes when nothing gives you energy or sparks joy.

Can you do an audit of your life and try and recognise if anything in your life at the moment sparks even the smallest feeling of joy? If there's, nothing, then I guess that's the definition of being depressed, so antidepressants might be an option?

But also, from your post, it seems like, from an early age you've just gone along with things, i.e getting a graduate job after uni, just because....
Could childhood factors be worth exploring with a therapist?

But perhaps you're one of those people who genuinely doesn't feel energised by much...and maybe an acceptance of that would be helpful? If that was the case for me, I'd try and get a very full-on job to make the time pass more quickly.
Good luck

People pursue interests so that their lives aren’t empty, to give meaning to their days. Not as a transaction. Give yourself more fitness challenges?

I totally get you.
Im 49 and a couple of years ago I hit perimenopause and felt exactly the same.
I had no choice but to leave a job I'd loved for 25 years and I changed to something completely different, I was terrified and felt way out of my comfort zone, it's given me a new lease of life and I've made some great friends.
My DH recognised a change in me and gently took over a lot more responsibility after we had a heart to heart about me feeling like a housekeeper. One big thing for us is that several times a week we cook meals from scratch together, glass of wine, music on, no phones, it's something we both really look forward to.
I have also joined the local WI, they meet monthly and there are a few women my age but the older ladies are an absolute hoot, they organise talks, fayre's etc and are such wonderful company. From this ive joined a monthly book club and met some great friends there too.
I totally understand how tiring it can be to even think about doing something new but it is so worthwhile.

Someone else said "what did you enjoy as a child?" And I'd agree. I'm 42, so not that far behind you. The perimenopause is really starting to kick my arse, and I'm a bit meh.

But increasingly, I'm turning to what I loved as a child. Drawing, craft sets, reading. I recently bought myself a giant marble run! I loved those as a kid, pitting my marbles against each other to see who was fastest! I realise now that it was a form of self-regulation, the clattering and predictable back and forth. But why not enjoy what you used to?!

I also recently bought myself an Xbox. I had one in my younger adult years. It broke and I never replaced it, but I used to lose HOURS to it.

I live rurally, and here are some of the things that I do:

Walk, a lot. I’m in a walking group that meets once a month for organised walks followed by a pub lunch, but I also walk on my own a lot too, or with my H if I can drag him out at the weekend.

Book group once a month in a cafe in the nearest town.

Pilates once a week in the village hall.

Keep Fit once a week in a neighbouring village hall.

Gardening club once a month in the village hall (I don’t garden much, apart from my little herb garden, but my H does and I mostly go for a sociable evening).

I appreciate these appear tame compared to becoming a hostage negotiator (😄) but it works for me.

Living rurally isn’t all bad news: walking in nature is proven to be good for physical and mental health and village halls often host a wide variety of social groups.

Op, you sound as if you have a long term low grade depression. Please go and see your Dr. Life is so much better than what you have right now.

All the best to you.

Only you can change your life I’m afraid , you sound a bit depressed or maybe just the menopause starting as it does make you anxious . Maybe set one goal a day , go for a walk , go for a cofffee, talk to someone in the park .Realistically you may only have 20 years of your life left so how do you intend to spend them?