What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

Reading your posts my first thought was, why are you so tired that's not normal at all. I'm older than you, with more dc, work full time and I'm not tired. Yes I'm tired when I go to bed but I wake up rested and full of beans the next day. You need to get to the bottom of this and I agree with PP it could be depression contributing - you sound depressed in your posts. Its easy to become apathetic when you are chronically unwell and your normal had changed.

I felt like you. Testosterone has been a game changer for me. Worth a go if you're not on it.

I give up my job 6 years ago. I bought a house with land, got planning permission and opened a small glampsite. It replaced most of my income and I get a real sense of achievement from it. Somehow doing things got other people gives me a bit of get up and go.

Rather top myself

Have you no interests outside work and exercising? No hobbies? Do you like walking? My sister goes for an hour and a half most days before work. And she is getting more into travel - recently hiking in Switzerland. You need to find something that you can be passionate about.

I draw and paint. I'm getting better at it. I enjoy reflecting on my own progress. I also find bright colours cheer me up and looking at things carefully sharpens up your visual sense and gives you a greater appreciation of the work of others. For me, that's the point.

You've painted yourself into a corner here.

I think you need to challenge your current thought processes.

E.g. You say you need to be at home at dinner times to cook... why? You've told us you have a husband and a 16 year old. Unless there's some massive drip feed coming, that your 16yo has significant additional needs and your husband has no arms or legs, they can fend for themselves occasionally. It won't kill them.

Have you had a totally honest discussion with your husband about how you’re feeling and if so I hope he’s supportive. . Having an honest chat with your GP might help too. Easier said than done I know, but instead of focussing on the negatives look at the positives. If your children are leaving home then you’ve done an excellent job of raising children that have the confidence to fly the nest.
Look upon it as a new chapter in your life and time to put yourself first. If that means not being the chief cook and bottle washer every day so be it. Whilst you might not feel like it, join some groups. I live rurally too and an empty nester and retired. My husband regularly works away. I made myself join the walking group in the village and love it. Perhaps look around to see what there is. I also volunteer for a charity two mornings a week. I know you said you don’t want to volunteer but it is a good way to meet people whilst helping a cause that’s close to your heart. I made the decision if I didn’t force myself to do things then I’d run the risk of becoming a hermit.

Find an MS support group online if not a few. Are you taking the ground-breaking stemcell meds? Hope you are getting good medical care. The stress of moving may not be helping. Any extra vitamins and supplements needed?

not read the full thread so apologies if repeating anything.

I'm at that time in my life - late perimenopause, single (by choice).
I can sympathise with the feeling low.
I'm full time carer to my teenage son who has complex needs. I rarely get any time for myself but when I'm not caring for him (when he's at his special school) I spend it worrying myself sick about the future.
I do have one free evening a week when my adult daughter looks after him. That's when I volunteer as a Brownie leader. I enjoy it and gives me a short breather from my caring role.

@HollyBobby if my bell tower kicked out the rubbish ones there'd only be a few left (and I wouldn't be one of them) :)

I'm 45, had a utterly aweful time with an early menopause, now on a shit load of HRT. I've got an 8yo and am recently divorced.

I have just started a new role and an MSc.

OP you sound depressed. Is you HRT optimised, some women need higher doses and it can be a battle to optimise it. Would you benefit from an antidepressent.

You absolutly do not need to be tied to the house to provide meals, put some ready meals in the freezer, batch cook a bit, egg/cheese/ham in the fridge and let whoever needs to make themselves an omlette.

Look at doing something different and well outside your comfort zone - I did a 10 week DIY evening course (plastering, joinery, tiling, plumbing) and have since done others, some colleges offer them for free, but don't always advertise them well. Meet some new people. Realise that you can do these things you never thought you could, and more importantly that you can still 'learn'! Give yourself a self-esteem boost. What you do after that is irrelavent, just live in the moment.

Likewise, try a completely new sport - I'd recommend a climbing wall if you have one nearby, but they have got silly expensive recently. What about a sailing club, walking club (if that's different to what you normally do)? Again this is about learning something new, and knowing your memory still works even if differently or slower, but that is fine.

I had really bad brainfog around names, and it hugely affected my self confidence. It takes some serious work, and a few active strategies to get to grip with the neurological and mental health impacts of menopause.

Teach the 16yo how to cook and fend for themselves a bit so you aren'ttied to always needingto be there for dinner. Think of it as preparation for both of you for when they aren't living at home.

Batch cook a few easy meals if needs be and take yourself off for a weekend. Take the 16yo with you if they'd be good company!

Don't waste your healthy years because you want to make yourself indispensable at home (beyond the years it really was essential).

Train your dogs to do something cool? Obedience, scent work and trailing maybe? Set yourself a goal of doing one new thing a month, go to the cinema, take an evening class, go in a organised hike, join a bookclub, wild camp, meet someone new for a coffee. Anything to lift you out of the comfortable but unfulfilling rut you have got settled in.

Your Doctor sounds a bit like Rangan Chatterjee who tends to look at the lifestyle as a whole and making small changes which help.

Sorry to hear you are no further forward.

Where does the OP say she has MS?

I really hear you. I am much older than you and have had various peaks and troughs in my life. When I was in my mid 40's I changed jobs, retrained and ended up earnning more money and having interesting work to do. I am so glad I did this as it really woke up my brain and I got into training and running work shops and groups. Of course I am not you and only you know what you are interested in and where your skils lie. If you feel that you have no interests and no skills then perhaps you are depressed. I know that during the dark times in my life I am very down on myself and feel that there is nothing good about me and that i have nothing to offer. This does come across in your posts and it might be something you could consider exploring.

I am in similar condition/mindset, its making me depressed ao I am trying to make some plans so my future is not as dreadful as it seems currently. I have also moved from one country to another in my late 40s, so I dont have any friends. So I know I need to be proactive.

I was thinking of joining as nice gym as possible in my budget. Working out at home when already feel low and hopeless is not a good idea in my view. Its better than no exercise but if you circumstances allow please join a nice gym, with swimming pool or a sauna, at least one of these two.

Other idea is to join a few creative workshops to see which one I like and then find a smaller group.

Bookclub

Do you like cooking? Can you allow yourself a cheat meal ( not calculating macros) every 2 day, which you can cook from scratch. Trying a new recipe so going to a local store to but ingredients, then creating that dish?

Would you be interested in doing a dance class? Salsa, zumba or something else.

Travelling in groups?

I am really curious what you trained in? As I want a career change but feel it's a bit late now.

The things that are getting me down are things I can't change - not working, being disabled, how my illness affects everything, loneliness, no friends/own income etc. I would give literally anything to change these things but can't.

I'm so grateful to have ADHD, I've never been short of a hobby my entire life 😂. Dress making is a great one, because it's something you do for you & there are so many beautiful things to make.

You need to do nothing until you feel better. Watch TV, game, lay in bed, go to coffee shops, read, exercise where you can.

One day something will come up and you will be interested and you will follow it, and then something will come from that. Embrace the nothing for now and don't feel guilty. Your brain needs to be bored enough to find something.

It might be a holiday destination you see and you can research that and find out about it and then want to learn Italian. It might be a programme about the Bayeux Tapestry and then you end up doing a PhD in history.

Follow your interests. Something will come. And maybe write a book.

Proven benefits to art and craft. Repetative moves, knitting, allow your mind to calm, working with clay is calming too. Creating something has a satisfaction. Creating in a group gives you a connection.
Thinking about colours and styles and shapes makes you view the world differently.
Identifying yourself as Mum is a self limiting role, they leave. You need to reinvent yourself, this is easier if you have things you enjoy to focus on.

What a great shame you feel this way at such an early time in your life. I know it must seem impossible to see a way to a happier place right now, but there is always hope for that but some of the change must come from you. It sounds like you have relatively tight funds but you might consider getting some counselling/therapy. I know many people poo poo that kind of thing but for many it can really turn things around and help you see life from a different perspective. Maybe having the house on the market and all that that entails could be put on hold until you feel in a better place, unless it is forced upon you.
Have you considered joining some other groups. Walking groups can be therapeutic as well helping with fitness and well being, book clubs, or something you have never considered where you meet and interact with other people can be beneficial. I realise many of these suggestions will be met with the immediate response of no but if you really want to improve things a little effort and courage can often prove beneficial. The menopause will pass in time but you want to be feeling able to take on life still once that is out of the way and realise that there is still a lot of living left in you, whatever you do. Best of luck.

OP, I hope you can take some replies from this and think about how you can change things.

Yes, you might be the one who does all/most of the housework, but that doesn't define you. You OH and DC are old enough to make something for themselves at teatime if you're late, want a break or have plans - in fact, they should be doing it occasionally anyway - even if it's only fish, chips and peas from the freezer.

Have a look online and see if there are any hobby groups or even groups to meet other women. Even if nothing develops friendshipwise, it's good to have a focus on something different/have company. Some things might not obviously appeal, but have a got at the best. You mentioned you got to know some Mums from primary school. Could be worth getting in touch saying you'd love to catch up over coffee/wine - something might come of it.

You mentioned you like reading, could you do more of that?

Also, now is the time to start doing more with your OH. Yes, he'll be might at times, but maybe you could both go out for a couple of drinks together one evening, go for a walk somewhere nice and have coffee. Visit that museum/town one of you has mentoned in the past. Maybe both of you have a couple of days away together, that's something to plan, look forward to and enjoy.

OP you need to get your mojo back.
I assume from your ' milk round' early job you're a solicitor? Would you fancy joining a charity? Not so toxic as big business. They love a law graduate.

See, I have three things I always wanted to do:

Write novels
Dance as a ballerina
Sing professionally

I'm 180cm so no chance of the ballerina but I am staring my creative writing and literature degree in January. I'm 60.
I've been a big cheese and when I became ill two years ago they gave me a 50/50.
I'm still here. When you think you've only got two years to live it sharpnes the mind.
I'm going to Rome in the spring and Egypt next winter. I'm also going back to work.

We're downsizing after 25 years in the sticks. We settled on a large village on the outskirts of a big town. I can travel in within ten minutes.
Unless you're a chicken fancier or Monty Don I wouldn't advise living rurally as you get older. It's f*cking miserable. My DD wanted to move out of 'cow country' as she calls it years ago. She was right we've been happier as a family. We've got proper trains and buses plus Ocado etc!

If your a gym bunny my SIL went from a size 18 to a 10, 8 years ago with Pilates and a gym routine. She's now started body pumping at 67!

Do what you've always wanted to do. Make a list and tick them off. It's very satisfying.

Hi all, wow, I didn't anticipate so many answers, and also that it would resonate with so many people.

@DidoAndAeneasWereInLove sorry, I wasn't deliberately not replying.

I would never choose to take anti Ds. I would never judge someone else for taking them, but they are absolutely not for me.

I wouldnt ever tell a GP that I am depressed or anxious or whatever. I feel that this reflects poorly on any future healthcare and I wouldn't want to be judged this way. That's something I feel strongly about.

I did have some therapy/counselling after some poor health a few years ago which actually did help me at the time. I'm not sure I fancy going back. Therapy made me feel quite sick and anxious worrying about what to discuss each week. Counselling was much softer and nicer, though I did sometimes feel I was trying to entertain her!

One of the reasons I wrote this is because I know logically it's a terrible waste of life to behave the way I am behaving. So I know I have to kick myself out of the rut.

Regarding my thyroid, there might be something in that, my hair is coming out in handfuls despite my high ferritin (our scale locally is 15-150, so my 110 is really quite good). I might do an econsult about this again. My testosterone levels have dropped though so I trying to be really diligent about making sure I use the gel again. (my test results are from a fortnight ago so accurate).

I'm on 100mcg HRT patch and Mirena. These have worked really well for years. Can't switch to utrogestan, that really DID make me depressed.

I assume my vitamin D is high as I take 4000IU with K2 most days.

I do hours of walking each week, both with and without the dogs, I generally exercise first thing and each day I choose whether to walk/yoga/weights. For the PP asking about YouTube people, I follow growing Ananas, bodyfit by Amy, fitwithmik etc. Yoga I do kassandra.

@MyrtleLion oddly enough I think that's what I've been doing. Normally something comes along in life doesn't it. But I don't think it will this time unless I do something about it. Ive been waiting for too long.

@ChillWith when I was 15, I stared longingly at posters of Jason Donovan and listened to the Lemonheads. Annoyingly they played in my town a few weeks ago, but I would have had to go on my own and it was a work/school night so I couldn't summon the energy. It's a 45min drive. But I'm pretty disappointed in myself as the 16yr old me would have been so excited to see them!

I do go to the theatre sometimes with DD and I go to the odd comedy night with DH. I also have a friend I meet in London once a year for lunch. So I'm not a total hermit.

But the days between all these things happening are long. I especially dread weekends as they are just this yawning bit of time to fill. To those of you with young DC, I promise that I used to be the same as you - parties and drop offs and sports fixtures. And it does quieten down in time!

@HollyBobby thats a good idea about removing dates from CV. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe I'll try getting chatGPT to update it for me. And this week I'm on half term so I could try looking at jobs.