What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

listen to music you used to love, do puzzles, read books, go for walks, visit places you want to see (I don’t mean far flung), clean, chat to family and friends etc etc etc etc etc x Do life!!

You need to find a job that you enjoy and you are young enough to retrain, maybe part time while you are working.

This is just an example, but a couple of my friends trained as counsellors in their 50s and one in their 60s . One only retired at 80.

You don't sound depressed- just bored. In a rut,

Join some groups or clubs- get out and about and find your oomph again.
There must be something you like?

Reading? Go to a book club.
Yoga, Pilates, art, music - there are loads of things out there.

Can you take up bridge (card game)? A bit random but lots of people take it up in middle/old age and you can play and learn online or attend a club if there is one local

You get lots of free courses online run by universities. Maybe there’s something to interest you?

I have never understood why anyone would do craft or art, because what's the point if you aren't going to sell it or be an artist?!

Oh come on OP you're better than that!

"Art for art's sake" as they say.

You remind of a small child at the moment:

• I'm bored
• draw a picture?
• No
• Go for a walk?
• No
• Play with your dolls?
• No
• Read a book?
• No

ad nauseum

You seem trapped in a well of nihilism; a real slough of despond.

Has your DH noticed your low mood? Does he have any thoughts? Or are you putting on a front to him? Do you socialise as a couple or even just go out on "dates" ever?

I definitely think you need to start looking outwards more and start kicking down the perceived hurdles instead of putting them up.

I'm in my 60s and still work full time. I'd give my eye teeth for all that free time to indulge my slothful tendencies and enjoy it!

I enjoy crocheting and always have a project on the go. I give most things away to charities, for example when I was recovering from knee replacement surgery earlier this year I made lots of little teddies to go to school in Africa.

i am also a member of the WI which keeps me quite busy with regular meetings and group activities. I was 50 when I first joined, there are lots of WIs nowadays with younger members if you look around.

You’re only 48! I’m a tiny bit older than you and I don’t have enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to! It might not be the whole answer to your problem, but I assume there’s something off physically. I can’t exactly remember the ferritin range but are you sure yours isn’t at the low end? I think the ideal range goes up to 300+.

Also, have you had your Vitamin D checked? It’s surprisingly easy to be low in Vitamin D in the U.K., and a deficiency, even if still just in range, can cause a lot of tiredness and a feeling like someone’s sucked the energy out of your limbs and brain.

You say you haven’t had any career ambitions and the thing you liked most was being a SAHM. That’s absolutely fine. Some people just don’t care about careers as much as others. But that doesn’t explain why you don’t enjoy doing things. As your children got older, you should have developed some hobbies.

Your lack of get up and go sounds quite extreme. Could you be depressed? Bored with your job? Too tired from your job to do anything? Try to work out the causes after ruling out physical issues.

If you like exercise, why not try something new? I did. I took up a completely new sport recently as a total beginner. I don’t think I’d have done it when I was younger but one of the good things about getting older is caring less what people think. There are loads of sports you could do. You could also join local walking groups.

Try something new, something that you’d never have thought of or something that you’ve always been interested in but never got round to trying. Do an evening class; go away for a day to a new city; learn a language - there are loads of things to do. You like reading, you say, so join a book club - or start one! Volunteer at your local library, sell secondhand books on EBay, write your own book! Watch all the boxsets you never had time to watch when your children were younger but, go to the cinema by yourself, learn a musical instrument.

Make a list of places you want to visit. They could be on your doorstep, eg a walk you’ve never done, or the other side of the world. Research them, think, dream. The whole world is out there.

Why don't you want to volunteer? It's one of the most deeply satisfying things I have done

I am the same age - never had kids so permanent empty nester😊.

in your shoes I would change jobs. 48
is young - twenty years away from state pension.

Where are you moving to? I have never lived rurally, living in a city offers plenty of job opportunities and weekend distractions.

what about a project on the new house? Moving is time consuming - have you packed? I moved five years ago and it pretty much took over my life for about two years😊. Selling my old house and then the basic logistics of getting myself moved, redoing the new house to my taste and getting to know the neighbourhood.

I agree with a PP I think you’re depressed. I don’t understand why you and your DH are so tired, you’re 48, not 88.

A couple of years ago I wrote a list of random things to do. Things I had done before and enjoyed and new things I hadn’t ever done.
It included things like make focaccia, go to a castle, paddle in the sea, sit in the garden and drink a cup of tea and loads of other things. All easy / cheap / achievable. The one that has made a massive difference to my life was learn to crochet a granny square. No idea what made me write it down but I did it and I was rubbish. So I tried again until it looked ok. No idea why I kept going, usually I give up when I can’t do something but I did. Cut a long story short, I discovered a love of crochet and now I make blankets for a charity.
And I still do my random list each year. I felt like my life had no direction and I was questioning everything and this got me out of whatever that was (probably peri). It’s odd but it worked for me.

Assuming you can get all of the above possible health ideas addressed, is there any way you can get more joy from your exercise? Does it lend itself to any side quests?

For me, I collect map squares whilst cycling, and am also into a giant treasure hunt called British Cycle Quest. A few friends have done Park Runs A to Z. Some other friends do coffeeneuring - basically you do a bike ride once a week to a cafe over winter, and you can send off for a badge. During and after lockdown, me and the kids collected villages A to Z - that was a fun project.

I'm in a very similar position (same age, term-time office job, always done the lion's share of the cooking, also went to catholic school!) so understand exactly where you're coming from. Life feels a bit in-between-y, doesn't it? Not got the busyness of our 30s (which gave us focus), not got the acres of time that retired neighbours seem to have. And when is the "pause" aspect of "menopause" going to happen?! The grass is always greener, I suppose. But it sounds like getting more exercise in might give you back some vim.

I though a city life will help op as she could join activities, meet new people. Rural can be isolating.

Have you ever heard of reading?

There is a whole world of books out there to discover

ive never had any interests at all. Reading, that's about it. I've never been good at anything or had any hobbies or skills

What makes you think you have to be good at something to enjoy it? Find a local group and go along - craft, art, languages, book club, fitness, dance, golf, cooking. Total beginners are always welcome at these things, and even if you stay terrible forever it's still a good chance to see other people, talk, laugh, be your own person.

I don’t think 100 is high ferritin?

I am recently retired and I spend my days sewing, knitting, learning to crochet, learning to speak Welsh (live in Wales), meeting friends for lunch or coffee occasionally, walking the dog, reading, doing crosswords, chatting to my mum on the phone alternate days. In the spring and summer I am busy in the garden. I have 4 adult children living in different cities and quite often go and visit them for a couple of days. I am never bored.

Have you considered fostering? I see you were at your happiest when your children were young.
Maybe it would give your a purpose and feel rewarding.
It’ll be tough, challenging, hard work and demanding but it’d be making a real difference.
Just a thought.

I think your comment here could explain how you've got in this position. You need to learn to enjoy things for what they are, enjoy the process. Not everything needs to be working towards an end goal/achievement.

I feel a bit the same, though not to the same extent as you

Things which help me are - walking in nature, coffee, going to a cafe for coffee and a cake with one of my teens, reading true crime, browsing the shops.

I find friendships are hard to form and stay in touch with at this age. People are busy with kids, jobs, elderly parent, etc

I’m 55 and loving my life and my empty nest but it’s been a fight to get here. In short it’s all about how you frame your day - ok you dont like to exercise with other people, so download Strava and start challenging yourself to longer walks with a good audio book or podcast . You cook - but get smart at cooking a few times not every day. Limit alcohol which may make you progressively more pessimistic as you get older especially the day after - don’t shoot the messenger get from the future but it’s glorious and the happiest days of your life if you chose to make it a textured and interesting existence . Book clubs and projects are also very good to add in.

OP your posts have made me feel really sad. You just come across as having really low self-esteem. It is quite unusual for someone to say that all their life they have never been any good at anything, had no ambition to do anything or any skills. Of course that isn't true at all. You will most certainly have skills and natural abilities, but for some reason that's not landing with you in your identity. You went to university, got qualified and worked professionally before choosing to be a SAHM and caring for your kids. You then chose to change into a job that meant you could work around your children being at school. You've been a home maker, a mum and a wife whilst remaining financially independent and taking care of yourself ie exercising.

There is really no factual difference between your story and that of thousands of women; the difference is the framing of it.

I think you should do some work, either on your own or with a therapist, on your upbringing and specifically why you grew up believing you were no good at anything, and - it sounds like - thinking your life has no purpose. You are looking at yourself through a distorted lens IMO.

You need to find your purpose in life, but you can only do that once you believe you are worthy of one.

Brilliant post.
My dad once said something similar to me.

He called it The Zulu principle-named for some business model or something.

But the point was to pick a subject, probably an obscure or niche one, and learn everything-or as much as possible about it.

It gives you something to do and achieve and knowledge is never wasted. It can be a thread to get your mind moving, to have an aim for the day.

I picked Victorian Mourning Jewellery. I started off with a Shire book, looked up references within it, went to places like Whitby and the Bronte Parsonage museum and it was a thread that pulled me along.

I also, at the same time, got a book on how to tie scarves and mastered every single one!

These topics won't be to everyone's tooth but there will be something for you and the internet now makes it so much easier.

I think you may be depressed.

I’m semi retired, have chronic health issues (as well as the joys of menopause) but I have loads on my to do list. I have adult children, dogs, a veg garden, I knit, sew & crochet, volunteer for a local charity, read. You seem to have lost your direction and motivation for living. Raising children is all consuming, but there are so many things to do once you’re not a full time mum. What did you do for fun before you had children? What interests do you have?

If you say no to everything you’ll never do anything.

You’ll have 30 years of lying in the bed and staring at the ceiling.

You therefore are going to have to do things which you are saying no to now.

Do the volunteering.
Join a club.
Pick a hobby.
Get a job.

Force yourself. You are likely to find something you enjoy. Otherwise the next years of your life will be completely wasted.