Is my child a sibling?

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent group and we were discussing having more children. A donor mum said her child will most likely have siblings because the donor in theory could have donated to other women etc.

which got me thinking as my ex has three children (one he doesn’t have a relationship with) and also my child who he doesn’t have a relationship with.

so in theory my child does have half siblings but should I tell him and when? We don’t have a relationship, none of us.

You should have general age appropriate chats about extended family starting as young as possible so your child grows up knowing rather than has it landed on them as a teenager or young adult.

Yes, you should tell him in an age appropriate way. Bundle it as part of a conversation about his bio father.

What is age appropriate?

i also don’t know how to approach the daddy thing, apart from “yes you don’t have one, just a mummy, nanna, granddad, auntie etc”.

the donor community I’ve heard read stories etc

Knowing that none of his sperm donor family don’t want to know him?

It certainly shouldn't be hidden from your DS.I think the 'when' occurs when you and he are chatting about friends with siblings, or if you are talking about your own brother or sister. Honesty is always the best policy and the conversation will happen naturally.

Yeah, they absolutely need to know. Have you not watched the Jeremy Kyle where the guys were in a relationship and found out they were siblings. You dont want your child accidently hooking up with their brother or sister.

and what if he wants to meet them?

He will ask eventually they usually do a family tree project in primary school its a good conversation starter

He’s for sister so yes it is a possibility but as I don’t know them all and they are a number of years older I dunno if it’s a concern.

And how do I approach that I’ve been cut of from most or my family as well?

is it really a family tree when you don’t know them?

He can do 23 and me when he is older if he wants to. Is he actually from a sperm donor or is that just what you call his bio dad?

No I wrote ex. I can’t use the word father as he hasn’t done anything

you are missing the point, the adults don’t want a relationship which him: which means the children don’t know as well.

and what if he wants to meet them? Yeah, that's the killer. Obviously this is all down to his-seemingly useless- father.
I got good advice on here to tell DC that "some men can make fantastic babies but they can't be fantastic Daddies".
It has worked well so far... age 7.

Absolutely tell him he has a Dad but we don't see him, and yes Dad has other children but we haven't met them. Don't need to say half siblings to start with.
Why don't we see Dad? Lives too far away is a starting point for a young child maybe.

Need to start young eg before 3 or as soon as possible if child already older.

Sorry I meant that side of the family don’t want anything to do with him.

so he can’t ever meet them

Was he a sperm donor though or were you in a relationship? Different in my view.

Kids get it fairly easily. When pregnant with DC1 now an adult he left me when I was pregnant stating he had changed his mind and didn’t want a child. I told them that - age appropriately when about 4 in I said everyone has a father. Some don’t live with their kids for a number of reasons. Aged 11 I told them that he had fundamentally decided he didn’t want ‘ a child ‘ and therefore it wasn’t directed at them. At 18 I told them why he had come this decision and never contacted them or me or paid any maintenance

He cant its disappointing but if they dont want to know then they dont want to know

Honestly dont be emotional about it or they will think its a really REALLY BAD THING i was quite blasé with my daughter about her dad vanishing I corrected any wistful idealised version of her father (she tried telling people he went off to play football when she was four i said no he just went) i didn't bad mouth him i just didn't put him on a pedestal and I didn't let her either he made his choices aside his family she is 26 they have never contacted her as a child since she became an adult nor since she left my home (im the alleged reason for them not contacting her she lives a hundred miles away they could contact her if they wanted too)

I live by the line they know where we are they can contact you if they wanted too

Im absolutely not a person to pander to the one who left making the one who stayed the bad guy

Well those children will grow up and make their own decisions. I would absolutely not hide this information from my child.

Decisions about a sibling they don’t know about

I think its very wrong to tell him he doesnt have a dad. He does have a dad even if he's not a nice person. Id approach it in a everyone has a dad but not everyone's dad's live with them. Its nothing he did. He's perfect and very much loved. Every family is different.

With the siblings
Id say you have some brothers and sisters who share the same dad as you. They’re called your half-brothers and half-sisters. You probably won't meet them because mummy doesnt know where they live / who they are / have a relationship with them. I just wanted you to know.

I believe you should tell him. My parents did not tell me that my dad was not my biological father, I found this out when I was a teenager (and never told them that I knew, but that's a different story).The point is that even though the bio father and his immediate family want nothing to do with me (I tried contacting them and they definitely don't) I am still glad I know who they are and can trace the family tree to see my roots and family history etc (have done through Ancestry DNA). I have made contact with some more distant members of his family and they have actually been nice and filled in some gaps for me.

In these days of Ancestry DNA etc there is a good chance your DS will find some of them anyway. And there can be health implications. I found out that one of my bio father's cousins had a disease which can be genetic and I got myself tested for it (I don't have it but if I had it would have been better to pick it up as early as possible). For all these reasons, you need to tell him (as my parents never did).

You are incorrect though he does have a daddy. When he asks and that should be as soon as possible you just reply yes sweetheart of course you have a daddy he just doesnt live with us. Now you might have to get a bit more inventive over the years as to why he is not around and I do not say badmouth him but the child has a right to know. If and when he choses to search for his fathers side at least he knows you have not lied to him.

You don’t know that. Certainly by the time they’re all adults they could well trace each other.

Your kid will at some point realise he does have a biological father, and work out for himself that he could well have siblings. So yes of course you need to acknowledge that and enable him to talk about him and his feelings towards an absent father. Don’t make his heritage a taboo subject.

Yes you should let him know (in an age appropriate way). My kids have a half sibling they have never met and likely never will, but they’ve known about them since they were young.