Is my child a sibling?

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent group and we were discussing having more children. A donor mum said her child will most likely have siblings because the donor in theory could have donated to other women etc.

which got me thinking as my ex has three children (one he doesn’t have a relationship with) and also my child who he doesn’t have a relationship with.

so in theory my child does have half siblings but should I tell him and when? We don’t have a relationship, none of us.

I think you should tell him about his siblings and also personally, I would be more open re his father.

My little boys father left and disappeared a year ago, hes only a toddler so isnt aware yet. But I will be open and honest (granted he doesnt have any other children, that I know of!) But he does have a father, and i will be open with that. I will try and explain that his father was unable to be consistent with him and he wasnt able to be the father my little boy deserved etc. Its really hard. I think all we can do is be as open and honest as possible.

Telling them when they are very young is actually easier then it being given as new information when they are old.

Yes you have a father, but he doesn’t see us. That’s just what happens with some families is fine at 3.

At 8 it’ll be a bit more in depth because they’ll know some kids whose dad lives with them, some whose dad doesn’t but does see them and then his.

Then different again at 15/16.

Same with the siblings. At 3/4 children just accept things as they are. Some siblings know each other and some live far apart and don’t.

For some bizarre reason ours was a bath night conversation! Whenever they were having a bath the eldest would ask questions! The answers were always consistent but age appropriate - they couldnt look after you as they had never been taught how to look after a baby, they loved you so much but didnt really know how to look after a baby, etc.

Age appropriate and as young as possible is always the easiest way to go as then there is never an unexpected revelation.

Of course he has a father. Everyone does.

I agree I would avoid using the word "dad" too if you don't know your dad, and I actually think it holds a lot of weight (someone who is active and present in their children's lives). Someone fathered him of course but I tend to lead with how families are all different, some live with just their mum or just their dad, some raised by grandparents, some adopted etc. Always what they have got rather than what they haven't got.

I have an adopted child. Adopted aged 2. He's always known. We talk about it in normal conversations. He knows he has 3 half siblings along with the non blood siblings he lives with here. I found one of the siblings on FB and we regularly phone and chat with her. He has no memories of any birth family as they gradually all opted out by the time he was 4ish. We still talk about them. He has photos. I mention he looks like his bio dad in certain pics or he's good at art like bio mum is. I'm honest that they don't want to see him atm but that's because their lives are chaotic not because he's done anything wrong. He's 9 now developmentally a bit younger as he he has FASD. But we've always just talk about it normally. How old is your son and can give you some age appropriate ways of mentioning it

I’m have 2 ivf babies. I used a sperm donor via a clinic.
theyve both known from day dot.
im also estranged from my family.
i wouldnt refer to your child’s dad as a sperm donor, you may feel that way, but it isn’t true and would be confusing.
be gentle, they need to know he exists - and where their ‘story’ started. something like different types of families, solo parent/2 mums/dads/ living with nanny etc
mummy and your bio/daddy made eachother sad, but the best thing we ever did was have you, how wonderful your child is and how excited you were and are about the future etc and that anybody who gets to share their life with them is so lucky. Dad/your name for him (that’s friendly) had lots of big feelings and wasn’t ready to be a good daddy and although it made you very sad you had to make a brave choice and go on your adventure together just the 2 of you… something that isn’t bad mouthing but introducing them to their origin.
the estrangement from my family my children know my parent made my heart hurt and made me very sad and I didn’t want that for them or for them to see me feel like that.
I’ve never referred to them as grandparents etc
when they know from the beginning/very small it’s no big deal.
mine very rarely ask me about the sperm-donor/bio dad or my ‘family’. They know they can but don’t often because they’ve always known their version
if it’s taboo or not in the open it becomes a big deal.
as much as you might despise the dad, try and remain neutral. As they get older they’ll make their own mind up,

Unless he's the second coming and you had an immaculate conception, he HAS A FATHER.

The fact that he doesn't see the father, the father is not involved does not mean the man does not exist. You are seemingly unable to separate these two concepts. And ignoring all the sensible people telling you to state facts - that he does have a father, but he lives with his mum and all families are different.

What does that mean? Strange double-negative.They do want to know him?

How do you know that their Mums wouldn't be open to meeting you?

❤️

I went with the some people are just not very good at being daddies, you do have one but we don’t see him. Then as they got older a bit more about him.

Lying to him will only cause confusion down the line.

OP my husband recently met some of his half siblings for the first time. They are all in their 30s. Age appropriate conversations and open doors all round would have saved a lot of pain for all involved.

Kids need to know about half siblings. I’ve got much younger ones, in very difficult circumstances. I’ve only seen one of them in nearly 18 years now.

you just say that biological dad left when your kid was still in your tummy. But that you think there are older half siblings but you’ve never met them. Then as your DC becomes an adult they can decide what to do.

my DC got told there was a half sibling as a teenager. By an unreliable and untrustworthy source who we don’t know. I knew nothing about DD being told who was really off with me for months. So turned out they thought I had been keeping secrets, I hadn’t as I didn’t know myself. I’m still unsure if other older child (obviously now an adult) is related or not as I was friends with the previous girlfriend and she’s not the mother.

I find it very very strange why any parent thinks 'protecting' children by refusing to talk about where they come from is in any way or form 'good' for the child.

There is no scenario where lying about where your child comes from, makes sense. There are 100's of books on telling your child.

Donor egg parents are advised to tell their child before the age of 5, its the same with absent , shit fathers. Knowing from ones earliest memories is the healthiest approach if you want to raise well adjusted children.

Let the child know as soon as they are able to understand. Don’t make a big thing of it and the child will probably just accept it without any fuss. The longer you leave it the more awkward it will become. Family secrets can cause big problems later on. Best to be open from the start.

When you have a very young child, it can be hard to imagine them being anything other than a very young child. But the years will roll around and when your DS is 18 he may decide to do a DNA test on Ancestry or similar. If any of his half-siblings have also done a test on Ancestry, the system will identify this and the half-siblings will find out about each other. In a world where DNA tests (and the systems to match you up with relatives who have also done DNA tests) are readily available, family secrets are much less likely to stay secret.

Ok then don’t. Your problem is solved.

It’s a hard one to know what is for the best. I think I’d have to wait until they are 10ish if not older. When you can have a proper conversation they can understand. Do they know they have a “dad” that doesn’t want to see them?
I will assume you have had that conversation, so if in the future they ask about siblings I would say you think he might have more children but aren’t sure. Leave it at that. And can explain more when they can comprehend it.

That may be wrong. But it’s hard. I have 2 “half siblings” from my “sperm donor” I’m not interested in a relationship with them. And I did see them as a child, however in frequent. But I get that other people may want to have a relationship with a sibling they didn’t know about.

I always thought that it made sense to be honest etc until I was actually in the situation. DS1 (now a teenager) has two half siblings on his father's side. He hasn't seen his dad since he was 2. He did meet the first half sibling but he was a toddler at the time and when contact with his dad dwindled then so did the sibling contact. I had no relationship with anyone involved with this child and nobody reached out to me until I was told that social services were removing the child and asked whether I consented to DS's details being passed on for the child to potentially access at 18 I said OK - we have since moved several times, though, so no idea if it's any use to anybody.

I didn't explain this to DS at the time because he was about 3 and I didn't know if he even remembered the sibling. But I did have this vague niggling sense over the years that I ought to explain it at some point.

Anyway ex moved on and had a new relationship and ended up having a child with her. This child was born when DS was about 7 or 8 IIRC - I can't remember exactly. It just brought up the question for me again. I came across it via FB because I think I was still friends with some of ex's family members as a way to stay in touch for DS's sake. I can't remember exactly the timescale but I think I sat on that for a year or so before one day I decided to tell DS about both half siblings. I felt awful for having "hidden" it but do you know what... he could not have been less interested or bothered. He didn't even ask why I hadn't told him before.

Children are sensititive. If you make the father topic something not spoken about, your child will go with it - but will still have the questions, thoughts and theories in his head.

And, it will never be less confusing to introduce than now, every small lie will make it harder in the end.

The fact is that yes, you know who his biological father is. Anything else is a lie.

You loved him (I suppose) so much that your DS was made, but he wasn't kind enough person/ready to be a good daddy, so he left you two to be a real family without him.

At 3, I doubt he's asking about it much. If it's his dad's choice not to see him then I would keep it light, at three he doesn't need to know he's unwanted by a parent. if he says "do I have a dad?" or "where's my dad?", I'd say things about how families have different set ups for now. If he's at nursery, I'd tell the staff aswell and they can talk about it in more recognisable terms. He'll obviously know he has a dad the older he gets, so he doesn't need too hear some of the suggestions given here! He's three!

No i don’t think it is full on. Its honesty. He DOES have a father. You are his mother and the man who impregnated you is his father. He might not have a dad but that’s just semantics. You can dumb it down in your explanation but you should not be lying to him. At any age.

That was the first thing that came to my mind,not Jeremy Kyle,but that your child could meet one of their siblings by chance and that there could be an attraction.