Is my child a sibling?

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent group and we were discussing having more children. A donor mum said her child will most likely have siblings because the donor in theory could have donated to other women etc.

which got me thinking as my ex has three children (one he doesn’t have a relationship with) and also my child who he doesn’t have a relationship with.

so in theory my child does have half siblings but should I tell him and when? We don’t have a relationship, none of us.

This will confuse him even more.

Having a father is a basic biological fact, it will obviously be something he becomes aware of at school if not before.

But more importantly your parents form a part of your identity. Facts about your identity shape how you see yourself as you grow up and not knowing basic facts makes you form an idea of your identity without them.

Then, when basic facts important to your identity come up later - like who your parents are - that has the potential to rock the foundations of who you think you are. It has a serious psychological effect on people to discover new things about their basic identity later in life and can be incredibly damaging as they start to question themselves and who they are and if they’ve ever really known the truth.

How people take it differs from person to person, but it has a strong likelihood of being quite damaging.

That is why you need to tell them early on. Obviously ever human alive has a father as biological reality whether you want to redefine the word to include how the person responds to being a parent or not. Don’t make your son pay for it by hiding the truth from him.

Does a “you have a father but not a daddy “ formulation sit better with you?

i am an only child. My father had 3 children before meeting my mum. He never told me about them. My mum eventually told me when they split up when I was 12.

They were much older than me and it took me a long time to find them (despite the fact we lived in the same area and I went to school - different years - with my niece). I did track them down and met them. We don’t stay in touch now but I needed to know. I’m glad I found them. My father never admitted to them, even when I confronted them and pointed out he had their names tattooed on his arm.

don’t keep it from him. It’ll be easier to accept if it’s just a fact of life rather than a huge shock later on

I was adopted as a baby. I can’t remember not ever knowing I was adopted. My parents certainly wanted me to know before I went to school so I must have been 4 at the latest when I was first told. I was told in age appropriate ways and we had more in depth discussions as I got older

You don't think it'll confuse him more when he realises everyone else on the planet has a male parent but he alone only has a mother who produced like an amoeba?

I have a similar situation. Both the absent dad and the multiple siblings. My child has half siblings in the double digits by multiple mums (a lot of these were after and I only knew about 3 existing children when I had our child).

In regards to absent dad and the explanation, when it first came up when my child was around 3/4 I took the approach that dad wasn’t very good at being a dad. He’s absent due to domestic abuse which was very complex to explain to such a young child but I didn’t feel it was fair to make my child feel different from other children and become confused, particularly when schools teach basic age appropriate sex education all through school including biology and how babies are made. What I don’t tell my child, tbey will likely find out from school and then be curious or mad that I lied or didn’t tell them. I also like to think of how anything I do or say now could affect our relationship in years to come - because it can and will. As my child has gotten older I’ve said more but stuck with the theme of dad not being very good at being a dad and explained that dad is quite an angry person with not much patience but we can talk about dad and whenever and wherever and my child’s come to their own conclusion from that. The only questions I’ve ever been asked if basic info like name age job etc. I’ve never said anything mean or overly negative because my child does share dna but I also don’t want to cause false hope so factual and age appropriate is the way I’ve always done it and I stand by that as the best way I could’ve.

in relation to the main question about siblings, is that I have been honest. My child has met several through the mums and the situations didn’t work out but they are aware of each others existence and really didn’t care too much about the details lol.

in my experience, my child has been more resilient than I thought or expected when it comes to the absent dad and siblings situation. And also doesn’t care too much for all the small details we tend to overthink. I also think it’s very important to consider what the future could look like and how your actions now could impact that.

Id also check out Gingerbread and Single Parents Friendship and Community - one is a charity, one is a Facebook and WhatsApp based friendship group that also does lots of meets etc. I’ve not had too much to do with them as life gets so busy with work and single parenting a Sen child but if you have the time to check them out it may be worth it to get some more specific advice and book yourself a little circle. Good luck lovely xxx

I have 2 sons by anonymous sperm donation, and I’m a single parent. My advice would be to be as honest as possible, because if you start lying it’ll come back to bite you.

When my kids were little, I told them that I didn’t have a husband so a kind man helped me to have children. I said he was their biological father, but not a Dad like their friends’ dads, so he wasn’t in their lives. As they got older I explained the concept of sperm donors. Now at 17 and 21 they know everything.

I would tell your son that there was a man who helped to make him, but it turned out he wasn’t very nice and he didn’t want to be a daddy, so he left. You then gradually add details as he gets older, and you can explain that the man had made other kids too.

I would also try hard not to convey the anger you evidently feel about the situation, at least not until he’s an adult.

I've grown up knowing that I have a younger half brother, from around the age of 3 (when he was born i think).

My mum said she wanted me to know to essentially, prevent an accidental incestuous relationship in the future if we ever met.

The circumstances were different though, my dad was very present in my life, but not my brothers.

The knowing needs to come before the understanding, then it isn't a big deal. That's what we are told with adoption stuff.

As pp said I would start off with “you have a daddy and don’t live with him” to normalise the situation. He’ll need reminding sometimes but it’s factual.

Ds won’t have considered the sibling possibility until much later. You’ll probably have more than one conversation over ds’ lifetime but I’d answer once he’s old enough to ask. At that point you can say that you don’t know how many he has today but when ds’ was born his father had 3 other kids.

The problem with lying is that ds could find out the truth and you could end up the bad guy for lying rather than dad being the bad guy for not being in ds’ life.

Hmmm.

the child is three. The father, could raise a court action for parental rights, dna is conclusive, and contact. He may not, as you say, but it’s an option for him.

as for the siblings, yes your child has siblings, damn sure I would want mine to know that. Age appropriate, if the other mum or mums are no contact why not meet?

do not wait till they are adults and you discover they met and are in a relationship.

just be honest.

My dd has a donor father. I’ve talked about him
since she was a baby. She also has my dp who is her dad. She went through a phase of thinking everyone had to dads like this as to her it’s normal.

I would start talking about his father and siblings now.

“Your father wasn’t very kind to us so we don’t see him. It’s my number one job as your Mum to protect you and in this house we are kind to one another. His name is Tim” -> probably fine till he is 4-5.

then you can just build on that as he gets bigger. “Once you are an adult you can track him down if you wish; I think he has a couple more kids 2 or 3. However he was so unkind/ uncaring I’m not sure he will have changed much.”

brief, factual and honest. They say tell them
early so that your kid never has a moment of “oh my god my mum has been lying to me my whole life”

You can't tell him he doesn't have a father because of course he has a father. You have to find age appropriate ways to say that his father isn't good at being a Daddy. You don't need to tell him about his siblings until he asks. Then you just tell him the truth in an age appropriate way. I have an adopted child, he has half siblings, I have been there. I tend to say things like. Well it would be lovely if you could meet some day, I hope you can. That's often enough when they are very young.

I agree with this. OP, I think you need to tell your DS about his half siblings as early as possible (a) so that it doesn't come as a huge shock to discover them when he is older, and (b) to avoid the risk (however remote) of him inadvertently getting into a sexual relationship with a half-sibling.

Well that is his right.

No.
You will be confusing him by saying things that are not true.

I doubt it much matters in the absence of a relationship. At some point the child will ask a question, and then you can answer it.

You can not keep it secret. This is beyond your control.

If they have a donor father, there is a high chance that AT SOME POINT they will do a DNA test whether you like it or not. And frankly you would be wise to let them know what you do, so they can make decisions based on that information. These are not your decisions to make in the end.

There is a human need for many people to know who their biological parents are that repeats over - this is why you have so many adoptees wanting to understand who they look like and their own story. This isn't a slight on you or saying you are not enough.

What you can control is how and when you tell them, on your terms. That's it.

This happened to my SIL. My FIL just kept telling her she hasn’t got a mum as she was growing up, neglected to mention she has 4 older siblings on mums side. When she was in her late teens, her older half siblings reached out and found her on Facebook. Luckily they were all lovely and they ended up getting on quite well, but it was a shock for her to find out she’s got 4 other siblings who all knew about her and was waiting for her to be old enough to have social media to reach out. None of them are in touch with their mum

edited to add: my SIL hated my FIL for keeping this a secret from her her whole life. These older siblings have reached out to FIL before when SIL was younger but he just ignored them. So SIL thinks FIL robbed her the chance to grow up with her half siblings

But your child does have a dad. They would not exist otherwise. I would explain that mummy and daddy split up and daddy moved away. You can’t tell the child he/she doesn’t have a father. That’s not very fair.

As for the half siblings, yes, they exist. Tell your child about them but again, maybe they don’t live close by.

No that's not ok to say. You don't want to. Confuse your child but you're soing just that.

Like everyone has said, you've got to mention it as it's the truth.
You should read adoption and sperm donor stories to see just how important biological connection is regardless of how awful the parent is. Don't start a spiral of lies or avoiding the truth as you will never get out of it and that will 100% harm your child.

You just tell them the bare minimum when they are young. You have then planted the seed but dont need to elaborate until they are older/ask.

My two are both adopted. We told them from day 1 when they were 1 and 3 so it was never a revelation, just gave them age appropriate information.

Its the easiest way honestly - no big reveal

As an adoptive parent we told our child from a very young age, before he was 2, and kept chatting about it regularly. Not like every week but a few times a year. He also knows about biological siblings. You can choose whatever way of telling your son you like, but it's best to tell him.

Exactly this. You can't pretend that he doesn't have a dad. Of course he has a dad. Everyone how is alive has a dad or father, makes no difference what word you call it.

You explain it that it's not his fault that his dad doesn't want to see him but he chose to live another life without you or his son in it. Just be honest.

People make choices. They aren't always the right choices but we have to live with them and then it's up to us to live the best life we can, regardless of the choices other people have made whether they include us in their life or not.

You can tell your DS also at some point when he's a bit older, like 8 or 9 that he does have siblings somewhere but again, you don't know where they are or who they are because you haven't been given the information. You say it's a lot to take in but I have to be honest with you because it's important you know and I don't want there to be any information I have withheld from you. It's important you know about who you are and where you come from. Every child has a right to know that.

Then you say but it's fine, we're fine, you're fine, it's a bit of our lives that we can talk about any time though it's not something we have any control over, and that's sad and it's OK to grieve and be sad about it. It is a loss, a form of loss and a child will be sad that the person who gave them life, doesn't want to be part of their life. That's not how we expect to grow up.

So talk to your child. Be honest. Don't create secrets. At some point he'll ask, "where's my dad" and you'll have to be honest that his dad exists but at the moment he's asked for no contact with either of you and then hold your child and love him and tell him again and again, it's not his fault and that you love him unconditionally. And allow him to begin to process the loss. Because it is a loss and you can't expect him not to be sad about it. Of course he will be sad.