Is my child a sibling?

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent group and we were discussing having more children. A donor mum said her child will most likely have siblings because the donor in theory could have donated to other women etc.

which got me thinking as my ex has three children (one he doesn’t have a relationship with) and also my child who he doesn’t have a relationship with.

so in theory my child does have half siblings but should I tell him and when? We don’t have a relationship, none of us.

Yes. Tell them as soon as possible. Just tell them some people don’t want children and sometimes they aren’t there. It’s much much better than not telling them and it being new information when they’re older and rocking their world and sense of identity.

People need to know the truth about their immediate family or it will cause extra heartache in future. Better to know now and grow up with the information.

Absolutely agree - my nephew is nearly 18 and has no idea that he has two half siblings in their 30s

Yes, you must tell them. And early, before they ask: just mentioning it in passing a few times will send the message that this is not a taboo topic, and that if they want to ask about it you are open.

Every child has a dad, even if it is a negative presence. It grinds my gears to say that, as a lesbian mother, but I believe it to be true. I was raised not knowing my dad; 60s child as I was, I imagined he was Paul McCartney (and told everyone at school my dad was in the Beatles). My dd, who is adopted, isn't allowed more than basic information about her father till she is 18.

So from years of experience, I think: tell them early, keep it brief and child-appropriate and factual; repeat it occasionally. If they ask, give only the level of detail they seem to want - dont give them a huge amount of information all at once and then think you're done. And finally, try to match their emotional tone: don't get emotive if they're just asking for facts, accept any upset or anger from them, be clear about what you can't control but don't try to tell them that their feelings or wants are wrong.

Did your ex have nothing to do with one of his children when you got together @helpmeplease12345671

Why are you asking/passing judgement?

Because if he was already a shit father you knew he had form.

Thanks I’ve just said atm he doesn’t have a daddy but he has a mummy, nanna, grandad etc. I don’t want to suggest he has one but he’s away, as he will never see him and u feel like it’s false hope. He’s just turned three

And Roy didn’t tell him?

Who is Roy??

You absolutely cannot count on that. People talk. The DC could do Ancestry tests.

If your strategy is stay quiet and hope nobody ever finds out, that’s risky. Plus very dishonest.

Yes, I'd want to meet anyone related to me. Don't know if it's possible in this case, but I'd want to for medical reasons-and to ensure that if I was dating anyone, or had a kid myself, it wasn't a sibling!
Maybe it would be possible to do with blood testing, I don't know.

I have a DD who sadly doesn’t see her Dad (his choice, since she was 1) and thankfully I know that he doesn’t have anymore kids. However my approach to the ‘missing Dad’ conversation in general, has been to occasionally make light references to him in the context of whatever we’re already talking about, starting right in the early years so that she grows up knowing he exists and is not this big dark secret. Yet not do it so often that it has her thinking of the situation enough to be wondering why he’s not around.
It may not be the right approach, it may have child behavioural experts shaking their heads in disbelief at my stupidity 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I’m not an expert! This is just my best attempt. She’s always known she has a Dad out there somewhere and I just waited for her to ask the question…

DD is now 11 and randomly told me in the middle of The Game of Life 2 years ago, “I don’t want to see my Dad if he ever gets in touch” so we had an age appropriate, light, breezy and very brief chat about how some parents are not ready to be parents and that’s ok but I support whatever she decides to do. Then told her it was her turn to spin the dial.

I don’t know if this helps you or not but just putting it out there.

He won’t be meeting them. Not my choice.

They do have a Dad though, just that he’s absent.

Just tell the truth as it comes up, when asked ‘Do I have a Daddy?’ You answer ‘Yes, everyone has a Daddy, but he doesn’t live with us like some Daddy’s. You live with Mummy and Mummy loves you.

With the sibling thing you could say, Daddy does have other children, they are your brothers and sisters but we don’t have their phone numbers or where they live so we can’t see them. You are Mummy’s only child and Mummy loves you very much.

Please don't tell him sperm donor unless he is actually a sperm donor. If he's just a shit dad then don't build his expectations up that he has legal protection when he doesn't.

No I think you are missing the theme of the thread

He doesn’t have a dad because a dad is someone who’s involved imo.

do sperm donors considers themselves dad?

He does have a dad/father though... Every human does.

Legal protection? No court is ever going to give parental rights to an absent parent

I accidentally found out that I had 3 older brothers when I was a teenager and it was awful. The feelings of betrayal were huge. I've never forgiven, or trusted, my father since and it was over 30 years ago. I would think very carefully about keeping a lie this big from your child

You need to tell your son that he has a dad because ex or one his other children could contact ds one day through social media without you knowing or your son could do a dna test because everyone obviously has a father. Is he on ds’ birth certificate? If I was a curious pre-teen, I’d start with googling his name.

By lying, you could end up romanticising his father and ds contacting him behind your back (social
media and dna tests make it easy)

Your child has a father you just have to say they are not in their life, you can't say they don't have a father or half siblings. If they ask questions answer as well; as you can.

Why do you assume judgement? I would certainly think this is relevant information to know about someone you are going to procreate with. It gives you a heads up about how they are likely to behave when you do.

Are you in the UK? Getting added to a birth certificate is a matter of filling in a form and doing a DNA test if mum denies that he is the father.
It’s unlikely right now but things can change quickly in life.

You are passing judgment and it’s not your concern. You don’t have the right to know everything about someone’s life. So again, why are you passing judgement