Is my child a sibling?

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent group and we were discussing having more children. A donor mum said her child will most likely have siblings because the donor in theory could have donated to other women etc.

which got me thinking as my ex has three children (one he doesn’t have a relationship with) and also my child who he doesn’t have a relationship with.

so in theory my child does have half siblings but should I tell him and when? We don’t have a relationship, none of us.

My concern is that he will never see them, so why introduce them?

No it’s not.

He does have a daddy who is alive but is not good at being a daddy so you have me nanna grandad let s go play. When you are older maybe a teenager we can contact your dad

If you don't want to say Daddy, and given that sperm doner is inappropriate/incorrect then use a different term.

Yes you have a birth dad who helped make you but we don't see him so he isn't a 'bring you up / caring for you' Daddy.

No it’s not. That’s for consenting both parents. That’s not for absent parents.

you will also need to know unless married then he has to attend the registry office, I can’t add him

I meant that children have a legal right at 18 to know who a sperms donor is. If you actually use the phrase "sperm donor" to him , he may end up thinking he can go hunting in a legal capacity.

It might help him to know he isn’t the only child this man abandoned.

would it be ok if I just say he doesn’t have one at the moment? I don’t want to confuse him

My kids father has another child, I’ve never told my kids as we are not in contact with their father. Some might disagree but I see no need. will probably tell them when adults.

Honestly? No.
Its okay to just not talk about him but when discussions are had about families and fathers etc then it really is best to be factual and not emotional and just say mummies and daddies make a baby- but sometimes people just live with a mummy or sometimes it might be a Grandma or two mums. Families are all different. But your father didn’t want to be a daddy so he doesn’t see us. I liked what a pp said about some people making great babies but not being good at being daddies. My grandchildren’s dad makes superb babies but my God he is a shit dad- better off with an absent one than a shit one I reckon!!

Say the truth.
You will confuse him more by lying.
Do i have a daddy?
Yes you have a daddy who made you with mummy and i am so happy you are here. But your daddy is not very good at being a daddy day to day some people are not good at that so lucky fo r me you are here with me. One day when you are older you might see the daddy who made you.

He’s just turned 3. You don’t think that’s a little full on?

the fact remains, he doesn’t have a father….

If he does not ask no need to say anything. If he asks make it a not a big deal thing.

Why does your ex see one child but not his other 2 (including yours)

as others have said. Say yes you have a daddy but he doesn’t live with us and I don’t know where he lives so we don’t see him

esp as when go to school and start talking about sex and reproduction etc

mini blondes knows she is ivf , told her when very young and over the years told her more

where her friend also is , but she didn’t know as her parents never mentioned it to her and was shocked

why do you feel the need to ask that question?

So your daughter calls her donor father, after all that is her father? And siblings that she considers siblings?

Whenever the topic of reproduction comes up he's going to realise there's a man missing from the picture.

Why not start with explaining how baby animals/ birds) get made. Watch some wildlife documentaries where babies hatch on their own, are raised by the female or are raised by both parents. You can then introduce the idea of the man who helped made him Vs a daddy who is part of a family.

The longer you leave it the bigger a deal you make it. It shouldn't be a big reveal, make it something he's grown up just knowing.

My partner has 3 other children- they are all our child’s sibling. He sees 1 all the time however has it a little strained with the 2 in the middle due to conflicts with their mother. It doesn’t matter just because they are related through dad regardless of contact. To answer to the other part our child is 4. We haven’t told her about her other 2 siblings because then it would lead to questions and also confusion as to why they don’t have them in our lives

Your son has a ‘father’ but not a ‘dad’, that’s the route I would go down anyway. And his ‘father’ has other children. Don’t keep anything a secret or pretend he hasn’t got a father, it won’t be long until your child figures out you aren’t being honest there.

He can get himself added via court

The moment he finds out how babies are made, he will realise that he has a father who isn't in his life. Maybe where babies come from is the start of the conversation. You definitely don't want that to come from someone else.

I’d probably have a conversation on the dad front when they are a bit older than 3 but there’s no reason to mention other siblings unless he will have contact. My child’s siblings live close to a family member of mine so much so we’ve walked or drove past regularly and it does bother me but I can’t control what my partner and his ex are doing. I just know he’s a good dad and man to me, my child and his eldest

People ask questions when people post on mn

seems a valid one

he sees one child so why not the other 2

You’re conflating Dad and Father.

For a child as young as yours, it is a distinction that doesn’t need to be made now. Everyone he knows has or understands the concept of a Dad/Daddy because that is what the male parent is called in toddlerhood, even if absent parents. He is getting to an age where he will begin to grasp family set ups so you need to be ahead of the curve and lay the ground accordingly. It is absolutely in his best interests.

I don’t think it is a good idea to tell him ‘you don’t have a daddy’. YOUR take on it is perhaps technically true (ie he has not behaved like a dad) but your son will not understand the nuance of that. He will believe that his Dad/Father does not and never has existed, which is not true.

You need to be seeing things through the lens of a toddler, not your own adult eyes.

Simple and Truthful is key. As PP’s have said, you need to lay the ground now so there is no huge bombshell for him at a later stage when he will struggle to work out his feelings, which is totally avoidable.

It will backfire on you if you are not honest now, he will struggle to trust you if you suddenly reveal that after YEARS, you have actually been lying and he does have a dad/father/male parent.

I think much as it pains you, it is best to use the word Daddy/Dad for now as it is appropriate to his age. Remember, this is about him building a balanced, healthy view of Families as he grows up.

‘We all have a Dad and a Mum; everyone in the whole wide world has a Dad and a Mum somewhere. Some people have tall Dads, hairy Dads, strong Dads, old Dads, young dads. Dads they live with every day and Dads they don’t live with every day. Same with Mums. Your Dad doesn’t live with us so you don’t know him. All families are different, and our family is you and me and granny/grandad/aunty/uncle etc.'

If he knows of other people with varied family set ups, then you can talk about them as well.

It can all be done in an age appropriate way.

The sibling question is probably a follow on from that but that will come naturally as his awareness of other relationships develops. And that again needs to be met with truthful answers suitable for his age.

Her dad isn’t a donor ???

we had ivf as I couldn’t get preg

my egg and dh sperm / mixed together and put back in

point im making is that at school they discuss sex and how babies are made