Is my child a sibling?

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent group and we were discussing having more children. A donor mum said her child will most likely have siblings because the donor in theory could have donated to other women etc.

which got me thinking as my ex has three children (one he doesn’t have a relationship with) and also my child who he doesn’t have a relationship with.

so in theory my child does have half siblings but should I tell him and when? We don’t have a relationship, none of us.

Surely you mean that he will not be meeting them in the near/ mid future? There’s a chance the other children will want to seek out their biological sibling when they are grown (perhaps diverging from the family opposed to this currently )

Either way I think it’s best to raise your child with awareness of their existence , navigating how to deal with the fact that he can’t meet them might be tricky but necessary

Sperm doner is a commonly used colloquial term for an absent biological father though

I’d also say to tell him in an age appropriate way.
I found out about my “sperm donor” when my mother had to tell me when I was 16 and I wish I had known earlier.

I have two half-siblings, one of whom I found out about through court papers from when I was a baby, one who I didn’t know about at that time.
He had dumped their mum and the kids (one was just born, one a toddler) in a similar way to dumping mine (even before I was born) and cut contact to his entire family as I now know.

I started trying to find them (different country and very little information) and did - 20 years later!
My half-sister was happy to have contact, my half-brother doesn’t want to upset their mother, so has chosen not to so far, which I need to accept of course.

Maybe slightly different situation, but for me the driver was always to find out more about the other side, it always felt like I hadn’t just been deprived of the siblings but also aunts, uncles, a set of grandparents, all of whom never knew I even existed (and many of whom who had passed away by the time I found my half-siblings).

Bring them up knowing the truth.

Mine were young when I became single, their dad never came back after the day he left. Never had a penny from him. At Fathers Day, after they'd been making cards at school, my child was about 4 then, they asked if they have a dad. I said ofcourse, but he isn't here as he wasn't good for our family.

Over the years, I'd give them a little more information. I'd point him out in the street. I'd point him out when he was outside the home he shared with his next gf. I said it looks like he has more kids now as I saw the babies in the garden. But it was nonchalantly. Not a big deal, not a longing, not bitching about the dad.

The step brother approached my kids one day when they were about 7. I said it's ok to play with them, that their family isn't like ours and they're just the dads new family, they're not our family. After a few days, they went back to their own friend groups. I didn't say how their bio dad was now heavy on drugs. That his new gf thought she'd one upped me and insinuated they'd had an affair before we broke up, that she has loads of kids to different men. They just simply didn't matter to us. I eventually did tell them, when they mentioned he looks 'scruffy', that he had a bad lifestyle and age appropriately told them dribs and drabs. Those kids are older and are on drugs now too. That's why I didn't want mine to get too close to them or think of them as family brothers.

My kids were brought up by a decent man. They see him as dad as he does the dad things with them. They've always known he's not their real dad, despite people often saying how much my eldest looks like my partner! We've been together 20 years, I think it definitely helped having a good man to step up as a role model and to fill the gap though.

OTOH, my friends 12 year old just found out she has older siblings. It's broke her. She feels like my friend has lied to her and is questioning what other secrets there are. She's self harming. It's heartbreaking seeing how she feels like the reject her dad didn't want. That everyone lied to her. I did actually sit down with her and told her what I knew after I was told how upset she was. I explained that they're likely in their 20s now and are in a different chapter of their life. That she wasn't rejected, her dad just had problems after leaving the army and he didn't handle them in a good way. They live over an hour away. She'll never get to meet her dad again as he died when she was young. I told her to wait until she's 18, then if she feels strongly that she wants to reach out, then she can try then. But she's too fragile for it all now. I don't think they'd want anything to do with her, I wouldn't want them to either, especially when she's so young and impressionable. Her siblings have had police involvement since they were little as their mum and the dad were always fighting and the kids were 'rough' trouble makers growing up. Their names over Facebook etc.
It's been a shock to her system. I'd never put any child through that. Everyone should know where they come from and in a neutral way, from day dot.

My neighbour used to call her kids dad 'the sperm donor', so did the kids! I thought it was horrible, like it degraded their existence somehow. The mum passing the bitterness on to the kids. Don't be like that. The kids don't need to hear it.

It’s good to know. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t see them, but he should just know.

I raised my child alone, he dad was in her life at the beginning and hasn’t seen her for almost a decade now. Since she was young I’ve had child appropriate conversations about him.

They should know what you know. My daughter is in her teens now and she knows everything I know. She even asked me “I wonder if I have other siblings”. I told her that I will always tell her everything I know about the other side of her family, if she asks. She hasn’t seen any of them. But when she is older and when they are all adults they can make the decision to see eachother, I have friends that have reconnected with their half siblings when they became adults, despite being estranged as children.

I don't think it's fair to tell him he doesn't have a dad. It's denying basic biology. Obviously at just turned three it's not something you can easily explain, but when he asks you should say 'you have a biological father, but he isn't in our family'. If he asks 'wheres my daddy?' you can say simply and honestly, 'I don't know where he is, he isn't in our family anymore'. Otherwise it's going to be very confusing and hurtful for him when he finds out the facts and that will be not long into starting school. Conversations about biological siblings will likely come when he is much older and he has naturally asked more questions about his bio father.

I think 3 is too young to understand. I would leave it as your family is you and your child for the time being. All families are different. Keep it simple.

I’d wait until he’s at least at school before explaining about his dad and siblings.

I can’t remember how old my daughter was when my ex told her she had a half brother, but she was too young to grasp that she wouldn’t have a sibling relationship with him and they wouldn’t live in the same house. She might have been 3/4.

I’d have waited until she was 8/9 to tell her. She would often tell people about her brother, but people didn’t believe her. It didn’t help that her father kept telling her about him and making out that he’d take her to visit him. I had to manage her expectations and explain that she may never meet him. He’s 18 and doesn’t live in the UK. My daughter is 10.

The 'donor community' (frightening to think there is such a group), have nothing to do with you and your child who I gather was conceived normally.

'Age appropriate' is when your child is old enough to ask questions and understand simple, truthful answers.

My donor conceived DGD, has approximately 30 half siblings. The donors sperm fathered so many successfully remaining supplies were destroyed. She has always known, FT’s with a few, parents stay in touch with several and occasional gift exchanges with the “sibbies” they are spread out over a large geographical area, but important to be aware.
My MIL adopted at a very young age found out as a teen that a fellow she was friends with was her brother. There were 6 children all adopted individually, my MIL the youngest had zero memories.
In our case we keep it factual and emotion free.

Maybe on boards like MN. But inappropriate and inaccurate for the resultant child.

Of course he has a daddy, just one who's not around. That's a harsh truth but it is the truth, at the most basic biological level.

And he has half siblings, another biological fact.

And yes, should your ex, his father, request a DNA test to confirm it, he can request this against your wishes via court, would be highly likely to get this approved AND be added to the birth certificate.

If it's his dad's fault he's not present because he's a useless piece of shit then that's on him and you need to guide your child on that direction.

If (actually, when) he finds out that OF COURSE he has a dad, and you've misled him that will be on you and not only will you have the dad situation to deal with, but also being lied to by his mum for years.

I would tell him when he is a teenager at the latest.

I'll tell you what's "full on". Learning out of the blue that you've got a sibling when you're 16. That happened to a good friend of mine and it messed with his head. His mum had known the whole time. He saw his dad about once a year. And neither of them had thought it "appropriate" to tell him all those years. When he did finally meet his sister, they got on really well despite their parents hating each other. It would've been much better for him psychologically to have grown up knowing "you've got a sister, but we don't have any contact with her."

That's scary, what if they'd ended up dating?! (Your MIL and her brother I mean). It's lucky they found out!

A friend of mine's dad was a massive man-whore, and had kids all over the city. My friend had hardly any contact with him growing up, and never met any of her siblings, but her mum was sure to make sure she knew she had loads of siblings - that was one of the mum's fears, that she'd end up dating a brother if she wasn't aware. (There's a phenomenon where biological siblings who didn't grow up together are especially drawn to one another).

Sorry but this is incorrect. Even if he isn’t on the birth certificate, courts absolutely will add him to the birth certificate (after a DNA test) and will give him parental rights if he requests it whether he’s been absent or not. That’s a fact in law. The courts will always see it as being in the child’s best interests to have a relationship with their father, regardless of how long they’ve been absent.
If he’s already on the birth certificate then I’m afraid he already has parental rights, regardless of whether he’s been absent since the day he signed the birth certificate or not. That’s the law.

Yes this is absolutely correct. You do NOT need to ‘consent’ to anything. If a man believes he may be a child’s father then there’s a process (whether they’ve been absent or not, it makes zero difference). They file an application with the court, a the judge orders a DNA test and upon a positive result, the judge orders that the father is added to the birth certificate.

The mother has zero say in any of it I’m afraid.

Again, him being absent is 100% irrelevant and for good reason as many men only find out they’re a father (or could be one) until later down the line. If being absent prohibited it, then these fathers who do find out later, would have no recourse which would be wildly, wildly unfair.
This is also why the mother doesn’t need to agree, as some women purposely try to deceive fathers by not informing them about their child’s existence or just excluding them.
If the mother refuses to allow the DNA test to be performed on their child, then there are a number of legal repercussions; none of which are good.