My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

He sounds like a lazy bastard who doesn't bother learning because he knows you'll just do it.

However, many Mumsnetters will read 'BBQ' and go into a meltdown.

Just so you know 😬

It’s not wrong to expect competence in your life partner. Most people aren’t good or even competent at everything, but they need to be decent at some things. I’m not sure I’d do an acceptable job painting anything, but I am great at paper stripping and carpet removal and all basic gardening. DH is a better cook, but I bake, shop and clean.

Does he do anything helpful? The priority is his employment status- he’d have had a rocket up his rear if he was mine if he’s only making half-arsed efforts at job searching. Sounds like he’s got far too comfortable contributing little or possibly nothing.

So no, you are definitely not BU to be very fed up with him.

His "helplessness" would give me the ick, definitely.

His sulking would have meant his plate went in the bin. I have zero tolerance for childlike behaviour from any adult.

I can see why you have the ick, he’s rather pathetic isn’t he, and you deserve better.

What's wrong with BBQ?! In fairness, i'm not from the UK, so maybe it means something different?? I'm cringing to think what it might also mean....

Don't worry OP 😉

We have a disposable bbq ban in the UK atm, that's all

Are you actually in the UK though?

If not, ignore me. It's just that everywhere is tinder dry here due to the heat so BBQs are rightly frowned upon and disposables banned.

It's not a euphamism or anything, I swear 😁

Concerns over the use of BBQs in the UK due to risk of wildfire. But we will let you off as you are abroad!

But yes my husband is the same and gives me the total ick too.

It’s damp in Scotland

He sounds deeply unattractive and a useless knob.

Can you divorce him?

He does sound extremely wet. Why did you start fancying him? What's changed?

Bit late in the day to start complaining about his ineptness or his inability to earn more than you. What is he good at, what do you find attractive? Anything at all?

Imagine the sex was reversed and this post started with my mum was a proper woman who did all the feminine things, had tea on the table, ironed my dad's shirts and packed his lunch 🤢 People would have the "ick" from the poster and totally disregard what came after that. There would be some nasty comments.
As you're a woman, I read on. Is he doing anything else? Childcare, cleaning, cooking? If not, is that because you take on these roles as you prefer 'traditional gender roles'?

My ex husband was like this we were married for 20 years. By the end I'd 100% lost every speck of respect for him and couldnt wait to leave him.
Everything he did was a disaster yet he always thought he knew best.
The inability to keep a job was the worst.

If you're doing everything, why will he ever learn. Stop doing things.

Oh OP. I feel like I could have written this.
My DH lost his job a few months ago and financially we are sinking. While he's been off work he's mowed the lawn once, never once taken initiative to tidy the house, forgot to get DSs new uniform, attempted to put up shelves but gave up after putting on 2 wall plugs and just other things similar things.
He's not the man I married. I know he's going through a rough patch but I just want something not to sit on my plate, something to be done without me having to ask or join in.

I wish I had advice, I could do with some myself. It's rough when you still love them

I had an ex who was incompetent and didn't have a lot of get up and go. Such a turn-off.

To the BBQ point - we are in the UK but it wasn't disposable! We even checked the phone alert text to confirm that it was disposable and not regular - and of course done safely. Let's let that one go (and I'll stop thinking of other BBQ acronyms ;-))

The best piece of advice is that I need to stop doing things. This is hard because I do want things to be nice for the whole family. But it's true that the more I do, the less he will do and the more I will resent him. But when my teen daughter tells me that every time she comes downstairs when I'm at work, he's watching TV, my blood doth boil...

And for fairness, he doesn't do nothing. He does the grocery shop each week (I have to write the meal plan), he does cook the dinner in the week as I get home after 7.30 (but I wash up), and he does tidy around a bit (we have a weekly cleaner). He does some stuff, but realistically less than half of the household duties which seems wrong as he is not working and I'm out of the house 12 hours a day working and commuting.

The inability and/or unwillingness to do things like DIY, BBQ(!), etc is the final straw in making me not fancy him. I married him knowing it wasn't his strong suit so maybe I am BU but I feel how I feel....

TBH I've never fixed anything in our house either. I mean, I'm a woman but I don't see why that matters. The non working person should do more cooking and cleaning though.

If you didn't have teens at home I'd wonder if you were my DM! My parents are 15+ years further into their marriage and all I can say is... It didn't get any better.

What's he like in other ways, e.g. emotionally? 'D'F complaining DM wasn't arranging her parents' funerals "properly" (i.e. exactly how he wanted) was the point I lost my shit with him.

I know asking my own DM "why are you with him?" will never go down well, but maybe it will sound less harsh from a Mumsnet stranger.

Have you actually sat down and talked to him about his responsibilities now he's at home and you're at work? Stop meal planning for him. He needs to be cracking on with all the housework while you're at work, so you should be coming home to a tidy house, dinner made, mess cleared. What is he actually doing with his time?

My husband hasn't worked since 2023 and I really struggle with his lack of confidence. He does insane amounts of housework and DIY instead of looking for a job because then he can say he "did stuff" with his day. Great. So do your CV...

I do love him. I guess I just can't fancy him when he is like this. I realise I'm perhaps being politically incorrect by gendering the tasks and roles, but I wasn't saying I wanted a "manly man" but I think the context of what we grow up with does shape our emotional needs.

I could deal with him being out of work and me being the sole (and highly pressured) breadwinner if he could make more effort to do the things around the house, which at this point is mostly DIY, gardening, washing cars, doing tip runs, etc...