My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

I can't put up shelves - I could probably learn but I don't want to. However, if someone else was carrying the whole show and I wasn't working, I'd see if we could get someone from taskrabbit or similar. I'm guessing budget would allow for this as you have a cleaner, but could be wildly off. Is there something stopping him from doing this? He sounds very passive and almost childlike.

Not difficult to book people to come and do stuff. To look around and see stuff needs doing.

But it’s interesting to think what sleaze it might be a euphemism for

Honestly money is stressing me as we will have to keep cutting back if he continues to be out of work. I draw the line at the cleaner because then I wouldn't have a clean house (he def wouldn't do it!) and that's not fair on me as I'd spend my weekend doing it.

We have been delaying getting lots of things that need doing done until he actually has an income. I did ask him to do some painting a few months ago which he did (and a good job) but even that cost a fortune in paint and materials.

He’s become a dependent instead of a partner, which makes him less attractive.

Your life would be cheaper without him. Ask him if he thinks that’s ok, and if he could put his mind to contributing more.

The heatwave has done a number on some people.

I can relate OP. My dad was the type who would prep thoroughly and could turn his hand to anything. He built his own extension, plumbed it, did the electrics (he was an electrician). He installed double glazing, installed central heating...whatever needed doing, he seemed able to do it.

DH was the polar opposite. Aside from mowing grass and washing cars, he was bloody useless. He once attempted to make a small cupboard but he did no research or prep and thought he could just screw a few boards together. It was a disaster and he ended up destroying it when it wouldn't go right. Anything that needed doing at home, he'd only tackle if my dad or his dad were helping (aka doing all the work). I remember my dad's face when he was helping DH do some bathroom tiling. Dad showed him exactly what to do but DH didn't listen and ballsed it up. Once our dads had both died he wouldn't attempt anything. Neither would he spend any of his £200k inheritance getting any home improvements done. He died a few years ago and I'm enjoying getting stuck into DIY. This summer I built a shed base and then built the shed itself. I'm 62 and was always told by DH I'd never be able to do anything DIY. Oh, I'm also spending some of that inheritance getting long overdue jobs done in the house!

DIY is a bit tricky in that I think some people really can't/wont' do it (I admit, I'm in this camp), but I think there is actually a bigger problem here in that he's not pullng his weight at all. Making dinner and doign the weekly food shop... whoopee doo. FFS. Why isn't he doign the meal planning? And the tidying up after dinner? is he doing all the laundry? And if not, why not? If he's not into real DIY, fine, but i she at least doign the bins and the tip runs and mowing the lawn and cleaning things out that need cleaning etc? there's a huge difference between being able to put up a shelf and being able to clean out a bin once every few weeks.

And all in between he's not actually looking for work.

Of coruse you've got the ick. You've got a baby here and not a partner.

This reminds me of the Rob Wilton routine :

The day war broke out, my Missus looked at me and she said, ‘What good are you?’ I said,
‘Who?’ She said, ‘You’.
I said, ‘How do you mean, what good am I?’
She said, ‘Well, you are too old for the Army, you couldn't get into the Navy, and they wouldn't have you in the Air Force, so what good are you?’ I said, ‘How do I know, I'll have to think.’ … [So I joined the Home Guards.]
"Well," she said, "All the young fellas'll be getting called up and you'll have to go back to work!"
Ooh – she's got a cruel tongue!

She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
She said, "What! – you?"
I said, "No – there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts...I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether." I said, "We're in a group." I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet."
She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet?" She said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
I said, "Aye, and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as his!"
She said, "Do you know this Hitler? Have you ever met him?"
I said, "Do I – of course I don't!"
She said, "Well how are you going to know which is him if they do land?"
I said, "Well, I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I?"

That would give me the ick too. My preference is for a man who is stronger than me, who has got my back and can step in when needed. A strong man is masculine and attractive to me. Nothing crazy re a bodybuilder, just a man who can lift heavier things than I can, take my bags sometimes.

I wouldn't have a cleaner if he's home, I think it's pathetic that he's not pulling his weight more. DIY skills can be improved, he could take the time to learn some new skills. Anyone can paint a wall etc, you should have a talk with him. He should be putting in similar hours to you. You shouldn't be doing the bloody washing up when he has so much free time.

Is he spending a lot of time looking for a job?

Total turn off

I thought this as well. All that "man's man" talk is just pure regressive nonsense that traps men and women in gendered boxes.

When I was dating I thought men who were most attracted to stereotypically feminine women were walking red flags and the same is true of women who are only attracted to men who tick a stereotypical "man's man" box. I genuinely can't imagine my attraction to someone being dependent on whether they could operate a BBQ. (As it happens DH is extremely practically capable but that has zero bearing on why I'm with him.)

I'm also extremely impractical - as a woman I guess I'm lucky that no one is judging my worth on that (I've never successfully operated a BBQ!) but nonetheless I feel a bit insulted by opinions like the OP's!

It sounds to me like his confidence is shot to pieces. If he's worked in the past and now cannot even get acknowledgements to applications for eminently suitable positions, then he's going to feel useless, humiliated and rejected for not being able to contribute what he used to. He's certainly not going to invite more disappointment and rejection by attempting to offer something where his chance of being seen as a failure are high.

On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects.

If you wanted a man who was good at DIY you should have bloody married one instead of someone you can constantly compare negatively to your father.

Agree with PP, he's become a dependant. My xh was like this and when I told people life was cheaper with him gone, they didn't believe me!

I do the household tasks because I enjoy doing it. DH does all the finances, sorts stuff like our tv and broadband, organises returns for me if I need to send clothes etc back. He organises and books holidays. We play to our strengths.

The one who’s not earning pays in other ways. When I was a sahm for the few years before kids at school I did all house stuff and diy and painting etc. And a side hustle to earn my £12k tax allowance and procured us free holidays through my efforts. Added up reckon would have come to same value as a decent wage.

Can’t fathom how someone could not work load around and leave jobs for their earning partner. That’s outrageous.

I suppose there’s a difference between capability (ie to do DIY) and laziness. What’s his reason for v little effort on the job hunt front OP?
If he’s sitting watching telly all day on some level at least he’s saying “fuck you” to you, which is obviously a level of disrespect that is unattractive. I’d be seething too.

The DIY is one thing, some people just aren't naturally capable at that sort of thing and you knew that about him when you married him. There's not much excuse for not doing more of the household and mental load though, when he's at home all day and you're out for 12 hours.

The only caveat would be, is he depressed? Job loss can hit some people really hard, especially if it's been the main defining characteristic of their adult life.

Hands up I did. Very selfish to use a BBQ at the moment

Weaponized incompetence at its finest. My vagina would have clamped shut years ago

And advice not to use any BBQ

His explanation for lameness in the jobhunt is that his friend is starting a business that will be funded "soon" and he will have a job with him. This has been going on since February with them saying "next week the money will be in". I lost it with him a couple weeks ago and he has now set up an interview for a delivery driver job next week. This is totally beneath his experience level and earning potential but it's the path of least resistance for him.

Also, so we don't feel too sorry for him - he didn't lose his job. He quit it in 2024 as it didn't make him happy so he was trying to start up a different business with a friend that flopped. He has dabbled in a few other things since then, but nothing long-term. I would say he has worked for a total of 6 months in the past 2 years.

I think you have a pre conceived idea of what a manly man is. Nothing wrong with that.

In a sense you esmasculate him, I wonder if he feels that and so has no confidence to try.

But I get it, your type is as you described and not the wet lettuce you appear to have.

It’s probably to late to change him (nor should you) so I guess you have to decide if you can carry on as is or LTB. But don’t leave, he should!

give him a kick up the arse and tell him to just take a job, any job. Will probably help him feel more confident & give him some use