My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

He's not depressed, he's feckless. No drive and no willingness to contribute financially or in any other way to the household because he knows you will step in and do it all. The burden on you is intolerable OP and I can completely relate as I too have a 54 year old teenager...the respect for him went years ago. I have five years until my youngest goes to university and then I'm off!

I believe this is called weaponised incompetence

its infuriating!

I'm a dad but following a tragedy, I'm also a mum. It sounds as though your husband is trapped in an ever deepening well of apathy. He should make a list of realistic tasks and targets first thing each morning and set about accomplishing these immediately, ticking them off as he goes. The key word is 'realistic.' He already has your love but he could do with the help of a good therapist.

Really good point!
Tho I do understand Ops frustration when he isn’t working, but if he hasn’t done these tasks in the 20 years of marriage he won’t start now!
My Ex was the same as Op, tho I worked shorter hours, I did all stuff around the house and garden, and was carer for our kids, the youngest of whom has disabilities.
I do find it amusing to find out that mowing the lawn and and taking the bins out are “male” jobs as I swear my Ex has never done them ever!

lol! I love this expression, it’s so true!
I wonder which man discovered it, perhaps Adam as it seems to have been going on a long time!

I can see why you feel this way these are some of the bumps in the road with relationships especially when you're the one who is out working all day you have a right to have an expectation that things in the house should get done.
If he isnt good at it though and not that way inclined your wasting your energy and thoughts because he cant do it so resentment is getting in the way of your feelings for him.
Im single now and do lots of diy in my home I sometimes long for a partner to come along who would be there to help me even though I have two sons i think tests normal.
Its a bump in the road don't lose sight of the good things he does but he does need you to talk to him to say honestly you're not happy and that you want to feel happy and supported so you are a close couple .. dont just divorce like some on here say.. tell him honestly and clearly this can't carry on .

EVERYONE has to bring something to the table in a partnership.
When one person actively refuses to cooperate, it’s the end.

I get you entirely.
My dad was a bit like that. My mum did the decorating as well as everything else and had her own business. But he was no bother handsome and likeable. And he brought in the bacon.
I was an ardent feminist from very early on and when I saw that my boyfriend who was very attractive was also brilliant at making things and had a drill he was for me. (Not so hot on bringing in the bacon) I had a later husband, also very handsome (my bad) who, though he could strum a guitar and could hoover a bit, hid behind his new man incapability.
Of course there are expectations from males and females as females have always and will always bear the brunt of childbirth and childcare. In exchange men took responsibility of protection and home construction. For hundreds of thousands of years. Till we were physically shaped for it. Of course the rich and the beautiful can cut corners.
Some men think they can shed that responsibility (even to the point they feel they are women though they lack the essential biology) while still enjoying all the privileges of patriarchy, of course they would. It means they have it all their own way. No responsibilities for future generations at all.
Women find resourceful men attractive and worth throwing in their lot with, common sense for themselves and the future.

Where was the “request” not to use any charcoal barbecues?? The official government statement said not to leave household barbecues unattended. There was no request not to use them, it was a request to use them safely 🙄 disposable barbecues are banned

I may have missed this, but why aren't your teens washing up? Even if they do it badly, make it their allocated job and they will improve. I only wash up if both children are away.

Fires and heatwave etc. we have been asked by government not to have BBQs at moment

I am very much where you are. This, the effect it has had on me due to the stress of having to do everything and the fact he won’t accept how low it has made me feel has killed our marriage. However, I have been advised if I divorced him I would have to give him so much of the equity in the house, so much of my hard earned pension and might even have to pay maintenance so in effect I would be running/paying for two households. So I am stuck. Turns out not working, not doing your fair share of household tasks, not saving for your retirement and spending all your money on your hobby is positively rewarded on divorce if your spouse has done the exact opposite. But I agree that it gives the utter ick.

"Amid severe drought and wildfire risks during the UK heatwave, the government issued a temporary ban on the sale of disposable barbecues and a wider public warning against lighting open fires, campfires, or any outdoor burning in high-risk areas. While standard backyard charcoal and gas barbecues are not under a blanket national legal ban on private property, many local parks, campsites, and rural venues have specifically prohibited charcoal and open-flame barbecues due to the tinderbox"
I was just quoting an online request - not a complete ban.

How does anyone just spectate and do f all when they clearly should show effort and be willing to help? Especially when his wife works her arse off for this ungrateful lardy arse. Times to change mate or suffer the consequences (I'm talking to him). Stop indulging him. Advise him if you haven't already that he this is where we go from here.
Given him a to do list, so he can't pretend and forget.
No one is perfect but laziness is just unacceptable. Get a job too and start earning your place with your amazing wife who deserves support. Good luck 👍

He quit his job! When he had people depending on him! Thousands of people are unhappy in their job yet they carry on because they have to. And find a new job before quitting the old one.

Its so sad that his daughter is seeing him sit on the sofa watching tv all day while her mum is working long days and doing everything else.

He needs to go and sleep on his friends sofa until he realises what he’s doing. You have been beyond patient!

As for all these women with the 'gender roles' and 'emasculation', sorry I disagree.

As a woman who runs her own business and, until recently, outearned my husband, however I still effectively financially support some of his expenses thanks to my business, which I wouldn't have without his support. I am also immensely headstrong, driven, capable and independent my husband has never felt emasculated. He is, quite literally, my partner who berates me for not letting him do as much as he would like and 'look after' me despite the long hours he sometimes works, whilst simultaneously doing maintenance, hoovering, cooking and getting the washing in when he notes these things are required, without being told.

I am pretty sure that, whilst clumsily worded, the OP did not mean to have 'gender bias' but just wants a man to be her partner, not an additional child she has to care for on top of all the other things she is clearly very busy with. We all need/want a man to step up and spread the emotional and practical load, not necessarily doing 'gender based' things.

OP, time to sit him down and have a bloody good chat. Explain that the household responsibilities are to be shared, with someone who is at home more taking more of the load as necessary. It's the age old 100% partnership, today you might only have 40% to give due to your workload and he needs to find that 60%, tomorrow he might have been busy and only have 30% to give and you step up with the other 70%, but the moment someone is expected to do the majority all of the time the situation becomes imbalanced and untenable, marriage is being a team and it requires both parties to work as such. Explain to him that, whilst you could wait forever for this 'new business', in the here and now promises don't pay bills so he needs to get a proper paying job which he can always give up as and when his friends business is successful enough to sustain him also working there and has an ongoing prospect for security.

As for not being able to/not knowing how to, everything is Googleable, he needs to crack on!

'He gave up his job'.... All sense of sorrow for his position left right there and then and stop sending him jobs, you spoon feeding him isn't going to make him do anything, sorry, but it won't, he needs to know that his value is in contribution by his own volition.

No we don't on having BBQ there is a ban on disposable BBQ being sold.

Why are men (some not all) like this. Do you have separate bank accounts? I would stop bank rolling him. I'm with you on the lists. Its just another thing to manage. The new term seems to be weaponised incompetence. Hes had his time now he needs to step up and start contributing to the household in some meaningful way that takes load off you.

You certainly are not being unreasonable. The fact that he won’t try says it all really. I remember my husband trying to do things and ending badly or ending with being rescued by my dad when we were first starting out. My dad said to keep trying, he did and 20 years later he has built a media wall, decked an area of our garden that he once said was impossible, put down wooden floor throughout the entire downstairs and one bedroom. He built a bin shed, put up a new garden fence, flagged my mum and dad’s back garden and built and installed a gate for our neighbour. He used to do absolutely nothing, and now he does almost everything. He washes, he cleans, he cooks, he a full time job, and goes the gym 5 times a week and uses our home gym twice a week. He is motivated and likes everything done before he sits down for the evening. Oh, did I mention the 3 dog walks a day?? Personally I think he could chill out a bit but he is so committed to living a fulfilled successful life that I have to admire his enthusiasm. I’d have a good chat with your husband about how his lack of motivation in any area within your home is making you feel. And I would not rule out being single if he cannot improve as right now he isn’t putting anything into your relationship.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast We are mammals and zoos found out that lionesses would only come into heat when the males roared. We are no different.

You sound as if you have been firmly indoctrinated by the manosphere.

@GrumpyButOk Lots of us don't see why either but the gender pay gap in the UK currently stands at around 13%,

I just checked the ONS 2025 data. It gives a value of 6.9%.

It gets even smaller when you look at younger age categories. For 30 - 39 year olds, the gap is 3.9%. For 22 - 29 year olds, the gap is 0.9%.

meaning that it is common for women to earn less than their male counterparts, even in the exact same job for the exact same employer, just because we are women.

Actually, the ONS data does not compare same jobs for the same employer. It is simply a comparison of the earnings of men vs women, regardless of job.

It states this on the website:

"The gender pay gap measures the difference between median hourly earnings (excluding overtime) of men and women, as a proportion of men's median hourly earnings (excluding overtime). It is a measure across all jobs in the UK, not of the difference in pay between men and women for doing the same job."

And you sound as wet as a sodden dishcloth.

Lions aren't the best example since, apart from roaring the male lions are a bit useless and it tends to be the females who do most of the hunting. Plus sometimes when a male lion isn't feeling up to doing the deed the female lion gets mad and has been known to bully them by biting their most sensitive areas. Which would be abusive in human relationships.

If you take male/female dynamics out of it though respect still has to be earned. Imagine a father and son. He might unconditionally love his son because it's his son and care for him. But he won't respect him until given a reason, usually when the son grows up and proves himself as an adult eg moves out if the basement). Likewise the dynamics between adults- someone might love their partner but if they are deliberately useless and leave the other adult to carry the load in all areas then it is very hard to respect them. And eventually that lack of respect kills the relationship.

@Persephonia1966 If you take male/female dynamics out of it though respect still has to be earned. Imagine a father and son. He might unconditionally love his son because it's his son and care for him. But he won't respect him until given a reason, usually when the son grows up and proves himself as an adult eg moves out if the basement). Likewise the dynamics between adults- someone might love their partner but if they are deliberately useless and leave the other adult to carry the load in all areas then it is very hard to respect them. And eventually that lack of respect kills the relationship.

It all sounds very cold and brutal that your view is that people need to be given a reason to "respect" someone else.

Why is it forbidden to love a woman simply for her heart, her compassion, and the happiness she brings? Why would she need to "earn" my "respect," whatever that means?

I would be interested in what you think respect is? It's not the same thing as liking someone's company or even loving someone (I love my cat. I don't respect him. He's an idiot).
Many men don't respect their partners (lots do). But it seems less of a deal breaker for some men than it is for women. We could discuss why all day but there it is. Generally a relationship without respect is not a good one, and demanding your partner respect you doesn't work well.