My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

Why are you tidying up after dinner and why is he letting you?

I find it weird that ANY adult , male OR female won't even give things like basic diy or gardening a try . We are not all born knowing how to wire a plug or decorate . It just seems like an easy get out saying you can't do it in the world of Youtube vids on just about anything nowadays.And in a partnership I would feel really bad if I wasn't pulling my weight for getting on with 50% of the domestics either in earning or if at home all day compensating by making sure I did all the chores.

new Ick after 20 years of marriage ?? - wow. That's some long, hard lesson to learn.

He sounds like a damp squib and hes not going to change for the better now.

Re being rubbish at getting a new job, you said he'd lost confidence - could this be it? Or perhaps he's a bit depressed if he lost his job. Perhaps he needs a bit more "for better or worse" support from you on that?

Honestly I can’t imagine what attracted you to him in the first place! Are you a bit controlling and like things done your way? Would you cope with someone with opinions and their way of doing things?

Because we have drought, wild fires,and gardens are catching fire!!

Would someone kindly explain what the " ick" is. Am struggling to work out what it could be. I would be fed up or pissed off with the guy, but ICK? Is it short for sick,in which case it doesn't really apply here?

Nothing new there. I'm in the west of Scotland and we always seem to be under cloud cover, even if it's not actually raining😀😀

A good hard boot in the arse is what he needs. Failing that, sit him down and TELL him to get his feckin finger out and look for a job and/or get on with the DIY, preferably both.

I'm having to "take up the slack" because my husband is in heart failure and can't do things he used to do, especially DIY. But he TRIES, even if I've to help with stuff.

I too could of written this post 10yrs ago then I went through an employment tribunal (I was bullied) and left work. I was burnt out and it took a good few years to recover. My DH is now the only wage earner and the roles have reversed.
Anyway its finding the reason why hes the way he is, in my case my DH was visciously attacked for no reason aged 17 and it has affected his confidence his whole life. I was unaware of this for a long time too. Anyway he never got any therapy and I wish he would, if you can get your DH to see someone or better yet go together I feel it may help greatly.
I know its expensive when money is tight it may not seem practical but its essential if you really want change.
Hypnotherapy is cheaper as you only need one session but you need to listen to recordings every day for at least 3wks for your brain to rewire. Its turned my life around recently and I can highly recommend it. You can buy sessions online (just google it) for around a tenner (there are hundreds of titles but Self Confidence is a great catch all) so thats my cheapest solution!
As for fancying him I never had any problems as he does "take charge" in the bedroom but overall it does affect how you see them overall i.e. a bit useless.
This too falls into place though when things start to change.
I must caveat my response with the facts that my DH has other redeeming qualities he did the majority 60/40 split of chilcare too when our kids were little and we both worked PT too but he has had periods out of work and always earned less than me historically. I suppose what Im trying to say is that if your DH is not helping in any way and he refuses to change or get help then I would be looking at a more permanant solution or you will end up burnt out too.
Sorry if this is a bit rambly me and DH are both AuDHD too! Good luck. 🫶🏻

If you were my friend I would advise you to pay your salary into your sole account.
Pay for nothing that benefits him.
Cut out phone contracts, netflix etc.
Don't pay for a car for him and do not have him on your car insurance.
Buy nothing that he likes food wise.

Start spending your money on solo holidays.
Keep careful notes of how much you spend.

He does nothing because he is too comfortable.

Thank you but I am afraid it is not a simple as that as we have kids so if I stopped paying for things for which he got a benefit then I would be impacting on the kids. If I split things it would make little difference as most of the financial issue is the debt and lack of savings from years of his not working properly then it would make little difference. In some ways it might makes things worse as he is (finally) working FT and if the joint account stopped paying for his phone and transport (I would LOVE it if he drove and I could take a break from that sometimes) he would divert his own salary and undoubtedly not give me his share of the bills. I also don’t think it makes a jot of difference if I keep a note of who spends what. I have been advised by a divorce solicitor that the courts would not care about that. Just what each person needs for a household for the kids. Thanks for trying though. It feels nice to have someone stick up for me, even an internet stranger.

I get you and this is hilarious but we're not lions. Nothing wrong with women doing DIY or being the breadwinner, but the man / partner has to do 'something'. There has to be an actual partnership, I agree with that.

Not gonna lie though, and especially as I have got older/wiser and stopped listening to conditioning / propaganda, I really do understand that innate attraction to a man who is a 'man' and protects / creates a home etc. I enjoy looking after my home and I'm enjoying learning how to build things, there should be no limits or restrictions based on gender.

But yeah: a man who cannot build a fence or figure out how to use a washing machine: just doesn't do it for me. At all.

You're having to pay for a cleaner when he doesn't have a job? That's insane. Please show him this thread and have a conversation with him.