My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

So the OP's DH who hasn't maintained the BBQ and doesn't seem to know how to manage it couldn't be a possible fire risk

Are you new to Mumsnet or have you just not logged in since the alert?

If not, have a look around at the multitude of threads where MNetters are doing exactly that - frowning upon all BBQ use.

Then come back and tell me whether I've made a ridiculous statement to claim it's being frowned upon 👍

I’m afraid in your position I would be incredibly blunt. I’d tell him marriage is a partnership but currently you are doing most of the parenting, most of the housework, most of the financing and most of the household tasks. I’d tell him this is not fair and not a partnership. Does he realise that you would be much better off financially, time-wise and stress-wise if you were to raise your children and run your household without him? Does he realise how unattractive that is? Does this fact not embarrass him? What does he want to do to change the situation because if your life will be infinitely easier without him in it, why,would you stay?

Guys! Don't worry - he only tries to use the bbq once a year so we are safe. I love how this has become the focus. Despite being useless at many things, he was not going to set the country alight with his big green egg. He couldn't even get the charcoal lit and we have a large patio nowhere near the grass or trees...

I am suitably chided for even considering letting him do it (in fact I was just happy he volunteered to do it as I normally cook on Sundays as I'm home....I know, it's getting worse).

Luckily I can see the humour in all of this and I'm grateful for the 5 pages of support that I'm not being a total dick about him, and he must try harder. It gives me the confidence to push back on him to do more, even more vehemently.

The problem is that his "man fix it" personality seems to disappear without a job, irrespective of his skills. My DH is highly capable and yet the other day was having a massive drama about some super simple trip he needed to make to another town...

You are definitely not alone. There's definitely something sexually appealing in a man who can mend, build, demolish, shift, carry and think nothing of it! You've decribed your partner watching TV during the day and cooking an evening meal. It sounds as though your sister is visiting... Meanwhile you've got a thousand planning, preparing organising tasks to do, plus usual mum and household tasks. The balance is off and for me it would mean reduced sexual attraction too.

Imagine if this was totally reversed:

My preference is for a man who is stronger than me, who has got my back and can step in when needed. A strong man is masculine and attractive to me. Nothing crazy re a bodybuilder, just a man who can lift heavier things than I can, take my bags sometimes.

The outrage would be swift and ruthless 🤣 Andrew Tate incel etc etc.

I think the ‘love languages’ idea could be useful here? Plus the idea that certain characteristics also have downsides.

My own DH is a high earning, alpha male professional who can also turn his hand to almost any task at home. Like you, I find this very attractive. 😉 But he can also be a perfectionist and a bit of a pain in the rear hard taskmaster about things being up to scratch! But I would still pick him any day of the week over some of the fairly hopeless men of my family acquaintance.

So if DH were different would there be different downsides?

But you are still perfectly entitled to not like this version of him.

It's all very well saying that (and I agree) but OP's DH isn't doing any jobs, gendered or otherwise, paid or unpaid.

My DF was really handy and could do and build most things. He cooked, did the laundry, looked after me, sorted out admin and worked full time. He was an adult. My DM wasn't and she did nothing.

If your DH lived alone he'd have to work, cook, clean, do laundry. It's so unattractive when anyone will not adult.

I'd be tempted to stop doing stuff for him.

You are describing my father. He and my mum have been married 40 years. It really does NOT get better. And kids leaving home/retirement will make it 100 times worse.

My mum is a ball of anger and resentment and my dad is a grumpy old man who just sits and has everything done for him.

@applesandoranges11 On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc.

I'm a man and I don't see why those are male-only tasks. There is nothing inherently masculine about any of those jobs that you've listed.

I also don't see why a woman should automatically earn less than me. If I was in a relationship, I think it would be nice if a woman earned more than me because then she would be able to buy me gifts and make me feel appreciated.

That's fine so long as you are competent in other areas.
Like one person can earn more money and the other person can be a whizz at all the DIY tasks. Or maybe you could be really good at cooking. Or be good with the kids. There are few things sexier than men who can just walk into a situation where the kids are hot, tired hungry and tantuming and just take charge of the situation and let the mum rest.

I think a lot of men have a sort of "gotcha" in their heads where they devalue the work women traditionally do and think it would be lovely if they could be lazing around being support d by their man the way women apparently do. But notably living life on "easy mode" doesn't involve changing nappies while also placating a four year old in a heatwave.

Is it just disposable barbecues, or "proper" ones as well? I'm just curious. I don't have a garden, so it doesn't affect me either way.

Hello sir,
Do tell which ungendered tasks you do that mean you deserve gifts?! I was hoping for a partner that would shoulder a fair share of the load and not expect pressies or heaps of gratitude in return but clearly that's expecting too much.

Those things ARE easier for a man though, being as they're usually quite a bit stronger than women.

@Persephonia1966 I don't have children.

I don't see though why a relationship needs to consist of person A being good at X and person B being good at Y.

A relationship really should just be two people who enjoy each other's company and nothing else.

"It sounds as if your sister is visiting" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@CrazyMidget Those things ARE easier for a man though, being as they're usually quite a bit stronger than women.

But clearly some men are weaker than some women...

Also, those tasks don't require physical strength. I can push a lawnmower and I can carry rubbish, but I have very little upper body strength and I imagine the average woman is probably stronger than me.

I enjoy my son's company. I do a lot for him because he is my child. There are also other people in my life like my younger siblings and people I am not biologically related to I feel quite maternal towards.

I also have friends whose company I enjoy but whom I don't expect anything from.However, feeling maternal towards someone tends to stop women from feeling sexual attraction. It's instant "ick". Men don't have to be good at everything. But if a man is helpless in all areas their girlfriend's/wives aren't likely to want to have sex with them.

Because being a mother to someone is not the same as being their wife. Likewise enjoying someone's company in a vague way is not the same as wanting to be their girlfriend.

ETA: sorry if that's gross. But that's my point. It is gross and very off-putting to be in a relationship where you are essentially mothering a grown man and then also be their girlfriend. Shudder.

I know this seems antiquated
No, it doesn't. There's nothing wrong with expecting a man to fullfill certain roles, because that's what they have always done. Just because we're in 2026 doesn't mean we can't have gender specific expectations. Like we've ALWAYS had.

In any case, you chose to look past the fact that your husband is rather useless. Now you're feeling the consequences of your choice of husband, and not liking it. I don't know what else to say...at 50 years old, your husband isn't going to magically start being useful and skilled now.

He sounds like a loser, and will likely always be a loser. He is happy to watch you flog your guts out paying for it all, sorting it all and looking after everyone. He has no respect for you. If he was mine, he would be out the door. I want my kids to see an equal partnership.

But of course there has to be fairness in what each partner contributes, no? Otherwise one person is taking advantage of the other. My husband doesn't do 'manly' or 'womanly' jobs but he does earn much more than me so he's at least contributing in some way. Op is basically doing all the jobs and the earning. That would drive anyone nuts!

I think it's somewhat U to expect him to be good at DIY but not U to expect him to try - there are a plethora of videos on youtube for most things so in your position I think I would ask him to have a go. He definitely should be doing all the shopping, cooking through the week and meal planning. It is U for him to not be able to meal plan (it is not hard, just boring which is why he may not do it!). It's not unreasonable for you to question whether you fancy him or not in the current circs - I would think the same but I do think it could be salvaged.

Stop his pocket money until he starts behaving like an adult.