My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

I have been alone for many years so I decorate, fix things, do the bins, garden, clean, cook, do laundry, pay all the bills, arrange for workmen when things that I can't fix break. If this man was single he would have to do stuff, it is wrong to just take a back seat and let someone else get on with it. It seems he has lost his sense of the fair distribution of domestic labour or did he ever have it?

Yeh sorry I'd not find him attractive in the slightest. As you say it's not just about DIY but the lack of interest in supporting the household whilst out of work.

I don't do anything involving drills, plumbing and the like but I do the painting, decorating and trimming back the greenery. Only because I'm better at it and have more patience with it rather than it being gender related.

Part of me initially wondered if he sits in front of the TV all day because he isn't directed towards things. Then I saw from your other posts that he gives 'helplessness' vibes with everything which is just sheer laziness.

I know this seems antiquated - what is this nonsense? How can you say this? Men do men physical things and women do women physical things, that is how it should be. Will it be as fraught for the society to realise it, in the same way as the society now thinks men should not be in women's spaces? Yes, I can force my husband to stitch my hem, to prove a point, and he can force me into a job in electric pylon maintenance to prove his, but why? Tell him to be a man.

You are extremely patient, OP. He would absolutely do my head in. What does he bring to the relationship? He'll do the shopping as long as you do the meal plan? Well big deal, you could do an online shop if you didn't live with him. How old are your children?

Those who are going on about gender roles, of course you're right in one regard but this man isn't bringing ANYTHING to the relationship. He's not making life any easier for the OP - an awful lot of women would have told him to get out.

I’ve got the ick about him. He seems lazy and not to give a shit about you. I couldn’t arsed with that, nothing about him sounds appealing and so I’d be throwing him out and divorcing him.

I must admit this is something I haven't considered.
Both DH and myself are pretty handy, we roll up our sleeves and get DIY done, but I know many people (both men and women) who just won't touch it.
Would I consider a man who wasn't practical unnattractive? I'm not sure I would, no. Lazy, yes, but but not just not good at DIY.

Sounds awful op. I know the bbq isn't the issue here - But.. we have the egg bbq and DH had terrible bother getting it to work effectively consistently, he did try it with sporadic success. Until this spring - when he found some easy light bbq stuff, made such a difference. Since then we've had regular bbqs, easy to do (obviously until this very hot weather, no bbqs for a while now).

That's a whole different ball game then. Totally fair enough to have the ick in that case.

He has been out of work since 2024?? You must be a saint. He needs to do something, anything. Tesco delivery driver or shelf stacker. He's taking the piss. In the meantime he should be doing the bins, emptying the dishwasher, going to the tip and all the other jobs. Things like that aren't rocket science.

It's people like the OP's DH that fire brigades would rather not use BBQs at this moment in time (disposable or otherwise). It's not like it was well maintained and didn't sound like he knew what he was doing.

This isn't trying to make excuses for him, but he sounds depressed. Perhaps he feels he is worthless and turns it into a self-fulfilling prophecy? However, the answer to feeling depressed isn't to give-up and let oneself sink deeper. It's many things, one of which is making oneself do things. thanks to YouTube, anyone, even me, can learn how to do basic home repairs and house maintenance.

Surely in your own home, using a proper BBQ, with the appropriate level of care is fine? I'm a bit confused by all this. I 100% agree using disposables or doing bbqs in the middle of big dry fields is a mistake but I'm not sure I get the problem at home? Admittedly, we're gas BBQ people so the issue is moot anyway as they're not dangerous from a fire perspective.

I sympathise as DH isn't very handy either, and he's also been out of work following depression. He does some house jobs like basic gardening and washing the car but doesn't attempt DIY. I'm not particularly handy but will look up things on YouTube and have a go, with varied success. It's not a big change, but being out of work he has a lot more time than me, and as I say, I'm no more skilled than him, so it's been very difficult having to take on house jobs as well as be the sole earner. In my case, the depression affected everything he did, so it is not straightforward. I think it's not about being manly, just sharing the tasks and playing to your strengths as much as possible - YANBU to be fed up of doing more than your share.

Was the DH using it with appropriate level of care?

I can see why you have the ick. Who wants to work long days to come home to have to clean the house etc when their spouse isn't working. I would tell him to pull his socks up before he finds himself out on the pavement.

My DH is completely and utterly impractical. Examples:

Lightbulbs, nope
Flatpacks, nope
Shopping, nope
Cooking, nope
Loading the boot, nope - has tried the morning of a holiday and has said "one of us will have to get a train/plane. I have taken ot out and reloaded with ease.
Decorating, nope
Dealing with tradesmen, nope

However, he has always brought home the bacon - pig farms full of it, so he's easy to forgive.

the poster I was quoting had a blanket, "very selfish to use a BBQ" statement I was querying.

I would find this unattractive too. It is nice when a man is handy around the house but fine if he does not have that skill but others instead. So he is not working, isn’t handy around the house. How is he domestically.

Sparks can fly and catch fire anywhere.

Unfortunately when someone doesn’t pull their weight in a relationship you do lose respect for them.

Have you been this blunt with him? Have you sat him down and said “I’m losing respect for you because you aren’t contributing financially or to the household. This cannot continue. I’m not happy- you need to step up and contribute to our shared lives or ship out.”

It sounds mean but sometimes these mean things need to be said to shock someone into action. He clearly can’t see this for himself / hasn’t got the hint!!!

This made me giggle. In the past if he attempted a flatpack it would invariably end up that he put one piece of the furniture on upside down at the start and would realise at the end and have to dismantle it while having a full blown Basil Fawlty moment. Honestly, just no practical skills and lack of attention. But I guess it has come to a head with him being out of work and not able to even pay people to come and do those things...

Because tiny sparks can cause great danger in the current tinderbox we have.

Quitting his job like that when we have a family to support would have pissed me right off.

Maybe read the OP??
They have two teens that won’t need a lot of ‘childcare for’.
He isn’t doing anything in the house. The OP is doing it all in the top of working full time.

ok. fair enough. I mean, even when it's not super dry, if I was doing a charcoal BBQ, I'd always be extremely careful to ensure it was away from vegetation, especially anything that's easily combustible, and I've always used "proper" barbeques that are much easier to manage but I guess if people are being a bit more lax, things could go pear shaped pretty easily.

I'll stick to my gas BBQ! Although franky, it's been so hot, we haven't been outside!