My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

And yes, I've said all of this - have done it in a calm(ish) way where I acknowledged how he must be feeling about being in this position. When that didn't yield results I blew up at him and said that enough was enough. That instigated him to sign up to be a delivery driver but frankly, that isn't even the best solution. He has a bad back so I can't see that this is viable long (or even short) term but I'm certainly not talking him out of it. Meanwhile I trawl the job listing sites and send him ideas of things locally to apply for that would be more interesting and not physically taxing. He acknowledges them but I don't think he actually makes any effort to apply.

To be clear I would never threaten to kick him out. We have teenage children who love him and I'm not ready to give up on him.

🍷🍸🍹

Give him a deadline.
He needs a proper job within X weeks - not a delivery driver on zero hours/min wage, or you cancel the cleaner and he and the kids do everything.
You will also cancel all subscriptions.
There will be no more days spent with his arse welded to the sofa.
He can youtube most basic DIY jobs.
You need to tighten the purse strings too.
No takeaways or alcohol.
The extra moaning from 2 teens should motivate him a bit too.

eta cross posted. He still needs a boot up the arse.

I think you're missing the point here, although PPs have actually said it: she married him so she wasn't necessarily looking for Popeye (or whoever) - but she now finds herself with someone who is not pulling his weight, neither financially nor about the house. If he was great at cooking and cleaning, she'd probably be fine with that. But he isn't doing that either.

I get the thing about men who know how to "fix" things - my dad was the same, and as it turns out my DH is pretty good at it too. That's not why I married him though - it's not a character trait in its own right - but I do feel it's something that would bother me if he (we) were struggling to pay for work to be done to the house instead and he wasn't able to do anything. If you've lots of money to pay someone to do it, then fine - but as it is, what exactly does he contribute? Being a nice guy?

Because in practice, @applesandoranges11 is both providing the finances and doing the work, and stuff is still not being done. It's perfectly understandable being resentful of someone who seems like a dead weight.

Any sympathy (of the "maybe he's depressed" kind) vanished when I saw that he voluntarily quit his job. OP, in your shoes, I'd be incandescent! His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

As a single mother who raised 2 children alone on one income while working full time, I can relate to the pressure you're under. However, there's a difference - I got on with it because I had to, I had no choice! There's no reason that you should be in this position because of his selfishness.

I think the DIY is a bit of a red herring - some people are just rubbish at stuff like that, and as you say, it wouldn't be such an issue if he could pay someone to handle it.

I think the real issue is that he's leaving you with all of the mental and most of the physical load. I would be very, very clear with him about what you need from him now - make a list - and what the potential consequences for your marriage will be if he doesn't step up.

(sorry, think I'm a bit triggered 😀 - but honestly, you shouldn't be having to live like this).

The trouble is that when one partner does everything and keeps taking on more, oft-times the other partner will happily do less and less.

I had this with my XH, and only realised one afternoon after work when I went to hang out the washing in a gap between helping DS with homework and making tea, only to find XH sat in the garden doing absolutely nothing. He gave not one f*ck that I had done absolutely everything that day, including paying for the bloody cleaner because he could never "find time"...and just happily watched me exhausting myself.

That was the moment I started questioning what I was getting out of the marriage. You might like to do the same @applesandoranges11 as you are being taken savage advantage of.

And OP’s DH sounds very lax around their BBQ. Now I suppose they could be in the area where there has been adequate rainfall so not a tinder box but even then I wouldn’t say he sounds like someone who is supervising the BBQ safely

Why are you sending him job adverts??? Taking on even more mental load.

This is not your problem to solve OP. It’s his problem!

Detatch! Present him with the problem and let him solve it! Make it plain if he doesn’t change you’ll leave.

Neither DH or I are good at DIY despite our parents trying to teach us. Doesn’t bother me that DH can’t do it as I can’t either. We are happy to get someone in.

The DIY stuff I get, better to have someone in to do it or you do it than it being bodged.

But cleaning, basic fixing things, basic gardening, shopping and cooking are all pretty easy.

The fact that you are having to pay for a cleaner because he won't do it rather stood out for me I'm afraid.

My husband went mad and was off work for a year - he did the cleaning.

If i was at work.all day and he had no child care commitments i would expect everything to be done. He is taking the mickey

It's been quite windy which has caused issues too. Sparks are quite dangerous currently.

Oh OP, I can feel your pain. In fact, I nearly put on a similar post last week as feeling so fed up. My OH of 30+ years cleans the house but basically nothing else.

He used to do more than 50% of the childcare when the DC were young (because of his work hours) but now...
I earn more and have done for most of my life. He walked out of his last professional job and wouldn't get a job for over a year until I applied for one in his name.

Won't ever cook (even when I've had broken limbs I have to do all the cooking). Won't even BBQ and guests end up doing it!

He's almost totally impractical and has in recent years even started refusing to paint so I have to do it all myself.

I look after all the bills and the money - he doesn't know or care who out utilities are with or anything

I choose the car and arrange tax MOT and insurance
I get the shopping and plan the meals
I do all the gardening
I deal with arranging tradespeople
Liaise with the dog walker and arrange dog care whenever we go away.

Make arrangements and plan our calendar
Etc etc etc
I am sick of it really and just like you say i don't feel like I have much respect for him.

But its been going on for so long that I worry that I wouldn't trust him to take charge of anything.

God, we'd kill for some wind here.

But i take the general point - certainly, I'm always a bit surprised by people doing BBQs on hot, windy days. It's so unpleasant with all that smoke blowing around, even without the risk of embers.

Plus a request not to use any charcoal ones. Gas seems to be OK.

OP, I was the one who painted the house, mowed the lawn, looked after the kids and worked as a childminder when they were young. We are divorced now!!!!!

I’ve got second hand ick reading this! My 19 year old son is more useful than this, helping with big jobs and flat pack, etc. I’ve been unwell and he recently took it upon himself to change a broken toilet seat. Without me asking!

I think the 'masculine jobs' thing is a red herring. It sounds like he is a lazy selfish man child who you're having to parent. He quit his job 2 YEARS ago and hasn't found anything long term since then yet still isn't picking up the slack around the house? You've told him how you feel, and he has applied for one job? He is taking advantage of you. But if leaving him isn't going to be an option because the kids love him then the only options left are -

• do everything yourself
• don't do everything and accept stuff won't get done

(surely they can still love him if you're divorced? It sounds like at least one of your children would understand if they've commented on how much tv he watches during the day...)

Separate issue - don't have a BBQ just now. Charcoal ones are notorious for sparks and that won't help you at all if you have to clean up after a fire!

I'm not a big fan of gendered roles - there's a list of 'stuff to do' and 2/3/4 people to do that stuff (depending on which things my 13 and 10 year old can do) and then we split them up. My husband tends to do outside things as I have loads of allergies, I tend to do anything shopping related as I enjoy it and have the patience for it, he does 100% of the cooking, I do 100% of the laundry... etc etc.

I think it's really unfortunate to keep comparing him against your dad as you didn't choose that sort of person to marry and that's not really fair. Not everyone is inherently skilled at DIY and I'm sure your dad wasn't great at other things!

But him doing nothing? That's just unacceptable. What do your teens do? I see a list of things but loads on there that they can get on with to at least help with the house. He clearly can and should be doing more, but it sounds like they need to do more too. And honestly... you don't sound super fond of him so maybe this has just run its course. You can obviously support yourself and your kids so maybe it's time to see what that looks like.

What is the point of such a lazy loser?
He's an awful example of manhood for your children.

Mum run ragged paying and doing it all whilst lazy dad sits on his arse.

He's a waster.
Stop tolerating it.
He doesn't deserve you.

I'm not ready to give up on him.

He is not a project that you 'give up on'. He is who he is, and won't change.
However, I can understand if you meant you are not ready to give up on the relationship.

First: resentment and disrespect are toxic to a relationship. He is disrespecting you and you are resenting him.

For the disrespect - point out to him that sitting watching TV during the day then leaving you to do various housework jobs is disrespectful. Tell him that you and he need to re-distribute household tasks whilst he is unemployed. Tell him that you recognise that he is not great with practical things like DIY, so instead he should do cleaning and laundry (or whatever - sit down with a list and agree who does what). You should aim for both of you having equal down-time or free time for yourselves.

For the resentment - you have to accept that as a mid-fifties man, he will find it incredibly hard to get another job in this economic climate. His age is against him. His career and role as a provider for the family may be over. The best you can expect is for him getting just any job to bring in some money.
You also have to accept that he is not practical like your dad, and it is not helpful, to say the least, to make that comparison. If you keep wishing he was someone he is not, you will never find yourself attracted to him.
Instead, think hard about his other qualities: kindness? patience? emotional support? humour? creativity? What do you love about him?

Second: how do you see retirement with him going? It is not that far off now (and for him it may be a whole lot sooner if he is effectively early-retired now).
When you are both done with working, what will be his contribution to the home and the relationship?
Are you happy with what you foresee?

It means that the UK is into about the ninth week of intense heat and no rain, everything is tinder dry and, as in much of Europe, there are wildfires burning out of control, endangering homes and lives, and wreaking desperate damage on the environment, We are not supposed to light fires or have naked flames out of doors, and government sent an alert a few days ago banning BBQs yet still a few idiots throw cigarette butts away, and some still light BBQs.

Did you secretly hope he would set the garden on fire, then get in touch with his inner soldier as he manfully strode round fire-fighting, rescuing the sausages and reassuring elderly women and small children?

As someone who had a dad like yours as a husband (now ex) i have had to learn but was very much independant anyway prior.

Whenever I done the "manly" things, I was accused of emasulating him 🙄🙄.

So yes this would give me the ick......however I am not confident on a bbq and usually pre cook and nominate a man to finish off at parties 🤣

I'm in exactly the same situation! My DP got made redundant in April but it was very stressful for the 6 months before then knowing something would happen with his job but not what or when. He's OK if he has a project but not good at looking around house and thinking ' oh we could do with shelves there or I will fix this' with him being of work its exacerbates this as understandably he is less motivated. I don't know what the answer is?
I have just had a week om my own and managed to paint most of a bed room and hallway. I re did the bathroom while I was on mat leave during baby napp times.

I know he feels self conscious about it and also feels overwhelmed and lacking in confidence so I'm also treading on egg shels and not able to directly talk to him about it.

He’s at home all week and you have a cleaner you can barely afford? Ridiculous! He can learn to clean and do it, even if it takes all his spare time. He’s a selfish oaf, and the longer he stays out of work, the more comfortable and work-shy he’ll become. Home needs to become a less comfortable place for him. He can flippin’ well wash up the dishes too!

I don't do DIY and have no interest in it. Losing a job can lead to depression as well