My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

Just one more thought - you've tried to get through to him in various ways and it hasn't worked. A couple of people have highlighted that this isn't a great example to your children - is that a point you've raised with him? That he really isn't modelling great behaviour and he wouldn't want his children to grow up believing that this is what they should expect from/can impose on a partner?

Grown adults in a household need to contribute. Why on God's earth are you spending 12 hours out at work and then doing the washing up when there is another adult who has been sitting on his ass most of that time?!

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about contribution to the family. I don't think it's about gendering tasks or any of that - its about you doing 99% of everything your family needs and him being a freeloader (in every way, I don't just mean financially).

Separate issue - don't have a BBQ just now. Charcoal ones are notorious for sparks and that won't help you at all if you have to clean up after a fire!

It's currently raining heavily here, thankfully!

as a side note, I was annoyed that the big alert didn't specify being careful with cigarette butts. I STILL keep seeing people just casually flicking them away. It's INSANE.

. I did ask him to do some painting a few months ago which he did (and a good job) but even that cost a fortune in paint and materials.

So he can do some DIY but you object to the cost of materials.

My dad thought he could do DIY but he was rubbish. I grew up with wonky shelves and badly painted stuff. I can do a bit but even with YouTube it's very basic. My FIL was excellent at DIY but never taught his two sons.
DH can't do any DIY and doesn't have the patience to learn but he's an expert in some other very useful areas that I'm not. Plus if I want a job done that I can't do he will get someone in.

I can understand your annoyance with him not doing housework but to say you don't fancy him because he can't put up a shelf is unreasonable.

I can totally sympathise and agree that the sheer uselessness is a complete turn off! My DH can't do any sort of DIY without completely cocking it up! He once decided that he was going to put some shelves up in our sons bedroom, he eventually managed to get one to stay up. Son then put a very lightweight skull on the shelf and it totally collapsed. He yelled 'I didn't say you could put anything on it'. Any flat packed furniture just stays in a heap. Apparently they always give shit parts and poxy instructions. Five years ago he tried to put up a new light fitting outside our front door, hours later after every other fuck was a word he gave up and just covered it all with masking tape, it's still just a ball of masking tape. The most recent cock up was the day before we were due to drive to Devon he decided that the car might need the airccon to be topped up with gas (it didn't). He decided to just buy a DIY gas cylinder from Halfords. Ended up completely busting the aircon and we drove to Devon in 30c and of course no one was allowed to mention how awful the heat inside the car was.
It is hard to bear sometimes!

Competence is the most attractive and under-rated quality in a partner. My husband isn't very competent and I hear you - it does give you the massive ick.

I read something the other day - a shitty meme but it was so true. Women don't want a man to look after them. We just want a man that is able to look after themselves.

When you're placed in the caretaker/caregiver role and have to take charge of all the decisions and co-ordinate all the things (he does the shop, but under your direction, he starts a BBQ but it just goes wrong and needs rescuing), then you become something of a boss/parent and they are subordinate/child, when what you want is a partner. My dh would, like yours, blame the charcoal or the wind, rather than his failure to ensure airflow for the fire, because he isn't practically minded enough to know what a fire needs. But he's arrogant enough not to be told by someone else.

It's massively icky.

I can’t imagine this is news to you, it’s been 20 years, mate. Many women actually don’t need men; you work, you cook, you parent. You deserve better.

I have to say I’m a bit puzzled.

Youre saying your dh does stuff. You say he is doing the weekly shopping and is cooking 5 evenings a week.
is that it?
Im chronically ill and can do very little. Housebound mainly.
And I do as much as your dh is doing 😵‍💫😵‍💫 which I thought was really little. I’ve been told on here I’m a burden to my dh etc etc….

I’m sorry. I get that looking for a job is disheartening.
I know that, for him, those 2 years will have been long.
But surely he can agd should have been able to do more?

The difficulty is to find something that impacts on him if it isn’t done. Everything he doesn’t do impacts more on you than him.
If you don’t send him job ads, he doesn’t look at them himself. Impact on you.
If you got rid of the cleaner he wouldn’t care. Impact on you.
He doesn’t do things for the kids organisation wise. They come to you. I sympathise. Can he take responsibility for eg the family budget so he sees on a day to day basis how his not working affects the whole family?
My DP has intermittent issues with depression, but I’m aware he can also fall into a pattern of behaviour. I tried being understanding of the issues for him, also explaining how it impacted me but with no result. It took me really losing the plot with him once to almost shock him into seeing things differently, and even he says it did him good to make him recognise how much he was affecting me, so don’t feel bad about losing it with your DH.
The other thought is, are there any mental health issues involved with your DH? Mine has hopped from job to job over the years and I realised it was because although he has qualifications, he can’t cope with the stress that comes with those sort of jobs. He tried being self employed on a few occasions, but really it was just a way of escaping the day to day pressures of “official” employment.
I’ve been with him a long, long time because he is a lovely person (and good at DIY!) and a great dad, and that outweighs the times I could have happily throttled him. I’m sure you’ll work something out. Good luck.

I think OP what you’re looking for is a partnership and team work. I believe most of us want the same. It’s hard to stomach when you’re working so hard and he’s loafing about the house. What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t want the repairs and DIY sorted like you do? Is he just blind to it? Or doesn’t care?
I’m with the thought that if he can’t do it or doesn’t want to do it, then pay someone with the skills that can…but that requires a JOB!
You have my sympathies.

I think it could be worth focusing on getting him back to work, that's the thing that has changed - you weren't so bothered that he wasn't handy around the house when he was working, and it must be affecting his sense of self worth too, hanging around not doing much - he sounds checked out, and possibly a little depressed, but i don't think that requires your sympathy, he just needs to get moving again so he has a sense of purpose and usefulness.

What a lucky man,

He has to do a few household chores but is basically a house husband (a bad one, it sounds like, as he doesn't have to do much)

He is living the life, why would he want to find a job? There's a cleaner, he doesn't even have to do DIY, your do it.

I wouldn't have married him in the first place.

I completely agree! Really puts me off when men can’t do manly things ha. I wouldn’t get as far as 20 years though 😅major ick for me

You lost me at “man’s man”. Ick from me for that!

I actually kinda feel sorry for him as a fellow incompetent 😅 My dh can do a perfect job of everything he touches, I generally ruin/ break/ can’t work out things. It’s a bit different as I do most things around here in terms of cleaning, kids etc and I work ft but still- he has a lot to live up to if you’re saying your dad was so good and you’re that good too!!!!!!!

I could have written this. My Dad could do anything ex husband quite the reserve and was full of excuses for everything. I got the ick quickly. Even more so when he had an excuse for not helping with the children. Drove me mad!!!

This is the crux of the matter I think. You’re no longer attracted to him because he’s acting like another child, not an adult partner. I don’t think whether the tasks are generally seen as manly or not is the real issue. He’s treating you very unfairly, dumping everything on you and expecting to pay for a cleaner to boot when you’re worried about finances and you’re entitled to be angry about this.

Was he like this before he lost his job? If not, he may be depressed which saps agency and pro activity. Time for some very straight talking.

It's just disposable BBQs 🙄

If you'd actually read the post you quoted, there'd be no need for the eye-roll 😁

"It's just that everywhere is tinder dry here due to the heat so BBQs are rightly frowned upon and disposables banned."

Why? Many millions of Australians are able to use BBQs in far more severe 'drought' situations. Ridiculous.

Yes... disposables as they tend to be used directly on the grass. Why would regular BBQs be frowned upon? Absolutely ridiculous statement.

I think I too would find it easier to forgive if mine brought home shitloads of bacon, so to speak

But women get criticised all the time for being overly helpless. Especially if they are SAHMs. Especially if they are SAHMs who not only don't work, don't do DIY but also don't do the stereotypical "female" things like cook, clean etc. I don't think men have to do the "men's" jobs and women the "women's" jobs. But competence in men is sexy. It could be sorting out a nappy on a wriggling toddler while also watching the five year old. Or it could be building a wardrobe. Or successfully dealing with a utility company overcharging. And equally, lack of competence/strategic incompetence is unsexy and a turn of. I dont think that's sexist. It's more that women aren't usually attracted to men they are forced into a "mothering" role to (with good reason).