Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

Sounds like the boyfriend could bring some much needed money into your home. Perhaps your daughter and the boyfriend both go out to work and you look after the baby?

I would suggest to them that the bf get a job now and find a place to live together elsewhere. It doesn't sound like your home can accommodate for the reasons you've stated.

Can she move to boyfriend’s?

If you think you are adult enough to have a baby then you need to be adult enough to support it.

You have enough on your plate OP

You can say no; she and her boyfriend can find jobs and set up their own home. You simply don’t have capacity to take care of responsibility for anyone else.

Personally I will never allow a partner in my home and certainly not in the circs you describe. Let them have a long distance relationship if she is so determined to keep the baby. She and the baby can live with you, if no other option.

We seem to have a post like this every other day, where parents are expected to upend their lives for feckless teens. It's hard for the young these days, but that's no excuse for this. She can't have everything.

Could she approach the local Council and get on the waiting list? She should have priority need if she’s pregnant I think, she just needs her MATB1 as proof. Must have come as a massive shock. I don’t have direct experience of this but did work with someone who got pregnant at 19 but went on to become a partner in a law firm so it doesn’t always mean that life goals are compromised by a pregnancy so young. Good luck OP, hope it all works out

You don't have the means to add another adult and a baby to the household. If she wants to keep the baby, that's absolutely her choice, but she needs to stand on her own two feet.

If she's deferred uni, she needs a full time job NOW if she doesn't already have one. Is her boyfriend not already working? Or is he in uni and also giving up?

They need to find somewhere to live together. For baby equipment, clothing etc they should shop marketplace etc - they'll get some great stuff. Baby stuff hardly gets used tbh.

You can obviously still help out as and when you can... be a loving grandparent, but you're life doesn't need to be thrown into upheaval.

Much better to be honest with her now, then she can make the correct decision. Tell her it is not feasible to live with you. Work out how much/what help you can realistically offer - childcare? Maybe not as you're a carer?

Then once you know your contribution, sit her down and get her to work out her sums, where would she live? What help would she get? She wants to be an adult, let her work it out.

Sorry OP, how stressful for everyone. I had dd1 at 17 though and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world, our lives have been very happy and we have a brilliant relationship.

If you do decide to let them move in temporarily then you need to set strict house rules and a deadline for them moving out. Also you don’t have to say yes to anything you can’t cope with, they are both adults and this is their choice and responsibility not yours.

Good luck

Agree be honestly about what you can realistically offer. I wouldn't want to have a child's partner move in either and if they are choosing to have a baby then they need to grow up and find their own housing.

Tell her it's not an option for the boyfriend to be housed by you. They're adults who have made choices and now need to arrange their lives. Their choices are not your problem at all.

Gosh. Why won’t she contemplate an abortion, seeing as she is not in a position to bring up the baby?

I think you need to talk with her, very gently, and say as much as you want to support, you simply can’t given the size of the house and your husband’s lack of a job. They would need to find somewhere else to live. Is this really the time to be having a baby? Try and get her to see the reality so that she realises the best solution is to abort.
This will most likely derail her whole life in terms of her getting the qualifications ans work experience she needs to support herself in later life so you would in fact be doing her a favour by not supporting her.
What does her dad say?

”Her choice of course” - I would say it is not her choice to have a baby and expect you to house and support her. Her choice to have it without your support, yes.

The barriers you have listed are financial and lack of space. Both very valid. What about the lifestyle change? If practical barriers could be surmounted, would you accept them living with you? If so, would it become workable if you could come to a financial arrangement whereby they both pay rent and contribute? This could actually be beneficial if you're struggling.

If not, and you just don't want them living with you, you know it's a non starter and she has to make other arrangements. That's the key point really.

I have begun to think that we need BPAS to give talks in schools and universities so a generation of girls don't grow up thinking abortion is murder, or whatever romantic notions they have about becoming a teenage mum. Please, no anecdata. The data shows teen mums are at a huge disadvantage.

Your actual question aside, I don't really understand why one of you isn't working. Surely only one adult needs to be at home to care for your autistic son? My friend's disabled son attend a local centre 3 days a week so both his parents can work (dad f/t, mum 24hrs.).

As for your question, personally I would not be able to not house my own child and would have them move in, making room somehow for them. They also could both get jobs until the baby arrives.

Suggest your DD moves to the town of her BF.
Is his family in a better position to accommodate them?
It would be best for the long term if boyfriend did not drop out of study or training.

Look into universities that offer xhildcare.

They are both going to need to find a job and save everything she can towards a rental property. I know she’s pregnant but she needs to start taking adult responsibility for her situation. Don’t let him move in with you and make it clear to your daughter that you expect her to start supporting herself and to have her own home by the time baby arrives.

I was in the same situation, 19 and pregnant on my gap year but I was living in a bedsit with my then bf. I’d just started a full time job on a short contract to which was supposed to end when I left for uni. Obviously had to forgo my uni place and then had to accept a second role to bring some more money in. Ended up going back to work 55 hrs a week with a 4 week old baby. I did a lot of professional qualifications when DS started school and now have two degree level qualifications. It can be done, my parents didn’t help an awful lot and I didn’t impact on their careers or free time.

Because her husband has just been made redundant. As she says in her post.

If she is old enough to make the choice she is old enough to move out and be the grown up she is pretending to be

She can move in with him then

I am amazed and impressed with the replies on here! I fully expected the Mumsnet "you brought your child into this world,you are responsible for them ad infinitum"..I just wanted to send sympathy for the awful time you have been receiving. .I have been in similar situations, except eldest DD was 21, I was working ft nights,3 other dks including a baby, ended up babysitting GS as well. Youngest DD (who was that baby) who had a baby and was pregnant squeezed into tiny cottage and her old bedroom, after lease ran out and partner cheated. The storage situation was a nightmare, smallest bedroom stuff up to the ceiling,shed full, and tender plants put outside because we needef the greenhouse.

The bottom line is you don't have the space or funds to house 2 extra people so they either both need jobs to rent or see if his family can help. You can't just magic money and space

It's all very well refusing an abortion but she is laying the responsibility at your door and bringing in another young adult (the bf) to boot.

Sometimes people just have to face facts. She/they cannot support themselves along with a baby. Nor can they land themselves in what sounds like a very busy household with not much in the way of money coming in.

How do you envisage life with an extra 2 mouths to feed OP? If they are set on bringing a baby into this set up they need to be sat down and made to understand what this household will look like - too many people, not enough space, disability and redundancy - it does not sound like an appealing prospect for anyone

Lovely, so she will spend the next 9 months dossing about not earning or studying, then probably further months dossing as she will be pretty unemployable with a small baby. Then it will be off to uni or dropping out and getting a job, while someone else (most likely you) raises her child.

Nope. Try again love.

In these circumstances, I’d suggest that you sit down with your daughter and aim to brainstorm at least five different ways of moving forward.

going into brainstorm mode will help both you and her switch out of panic mode and will help you both see that there are a few ways forward here.

possible options:

they all move in with you
they all move in with bf’s parents
they go to uni and try to get family accommodation (it does exist)
they move in with bf if he lives away from his parents etc etc.

i’d suggest doing this as your daughter is most likely panicking right now aswell and this will help her calm down and consider options sensibly,

once you’ve got a list of options you can spend a week or two writing down pros and cons for each one.

then you’ll have a much better idea of where her head is at and she will have hopefully flipped out of panic mode.

I don't think anyone would say a parent is responsible for their adult child forever?
Adults making stupid choices don't get to dump their problems onto anyone else.