Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

Well of course you'd say it's a good thing, since you were in that situation yourself. You're biased.

Does the BF have a job currently or is he studying in training? He needs to prioritise his career. If so is his job / career transferable to your DDs uni town. Is there any opportunity for her to go to a local uni to save getting into debt? Is she likely to be able to access sufficiently the social, cultural and club/society offerings if she is studying full time and caring for a child? Is it worth racking up accommodation debt for a limited experience?

Anyway in this case OP has an autistic child and an elderly mum to care for too. It's not just about the DD.
OP, do anything you can to get her to stay in uni. You haven't mentioned the bfs parents. Can they help with childcare?

But abortion is by far the easiest option in this case. I'm more surprised by people exhorting her to find a way through. Why would make your life more difficult if you could find a solution?

But then, I was always ambivalent about having children. Having said that, if I'd been pregnant after dc2,I would not have stayed pregnant. There's no chance now, but the thought of an unwanted pregnancy makes me feel physically sick.

Well you simply cannot do it, can you? You are going to have to tell her that. Say that while you respect her choice to go ahead with the pregnancy, there is no way on God's green earth you can accommodate her, her boyfriend plus a baby who will soon be a toddler and all the extra kit and household expense that will entail, when you don't even have space for your own belongings at the moment, let alone theirs.

And you have enough on your plate with an autistic son and an out of work husband.

If she wants to keep the baby then she and her BF are going to have to be grown ups and figure it out for themselves.

I agree.

An extra adult and a baby in your home would really add to the stress, OP, and you have enough on your plate as it is.

If DD and her partner start saving now, they should have enough for rent in advance and a deposit before too long.

I have a dd the same age, the offer would be for her to live with us if she must keep the baby, and the boyfriend visits every weekend/or she goes there preferably with a view to moving in together in six months time when he has a job and can support dd. I would be moving heaven and earth to encourage a termination. Her life is going to be very challenging for many years, and I would not allow any glamorisation of the reality of bringing a newborn into the world when she is barely out of childhood.

Your dh needs to get a new job too op. Perhaps speak to the GP about some counselling, you have a lot on your plate op

Understandably she doesn't want to look after a baby she wants to do a course. She has a right to do something for herself.
I'm so sorry OP it sounds a very difficult situation. Is there any chance that they could move to her boyfriend's home town?

Of course she's adamant she doesn't want an abortion. She's got you to pick up the pieces and look after the kid hasn't she. You can't take this on OP. You're already stretched to the absolute limit. I find it incredible that other posters seem to think women should always jump through hoops no matter how impossible their lives are already.

And as for moving in with you for a while 'so they can save' let's be honest, there isn't going to be any saving, is there?

He's going to arrive in your town with no job to go to. And as someone who has just left school, does she even have a job either? Who is going to give her one now she's PG?

Every penny they might manage to earn in whatever part time, minimum wage jobs they might find if they are lucky will go on buying stuff for the baby and contributing to the food and household expenses while they live with you.

She needs to re think the situation. There so many aspects does she think money grows on trees?
You and your husband need to speak to her and partner and ask them how they are going live and survive given the circumstances.

The DD already lives at home prior to starting uni. She won’t be moving in as she’s already there. As for the BF, most replies suggest not letting him move in - which is very sensible.

With the right uni support, the DD can still go to uni (with baby), just deferred a year.

For those recommending ‘family accommodation’ at university- this is as rare as hen’s teeth and where it does exist , is earmarked for staff or PG students only. I doubt there is a university in the country where a 19/20 year old UG can get student accommodation for a family. So OP, please don’t put that to her as a realistic option, it isn’t. Also, if her university has a nursery (and is anything like mine) the waiting list is likely to be very long. At mine, people would put their names down on the waiting list immediately after their 12 week scan and still there often wasn’t a place by the time the baby was born and maternity leave was over.

Ultimately though OP isnt really in a position to provide the sort of support her DD wants and would need.

At this stage the DD has choices and shes chosing to continue the pregnancy. She needs to understand what that decision entails and not just expect her mum to pick up the pieces

Sounds like the boyfriend could bring some much needed money into your home. Perhaps your daughter and the boyfriend both go out to work and you look after the baby?

What planet do you live on where an unrelated young man of 19 with a baby on the way wants to hand over all his earnings to his GF's mother to help them through a bad financial patch? They are wanting to live there so that her parents can subsidise them while they 'save up' for somewhere of their own. I doubt that subsidising her parents figures in their plans.

The OP is going to be worse off for having them there, not better off. Even if they pay for housekeeping it probably won't reflect the true cost of how much they eat, let alone all the extra utilities usage. Especially the washing machine once the baby is there.

Nope, there's no room for them, unfortunately. They'll have to stay with the boyfriend/hisfamily or get their own place. You can be supportive in other ways, but they are both asking of way too much from you.

Also, I don't know why anyone sexually active would be shocked about a pregnancy. Unless you have completely skipped biology class in school, the only 100% effective prevention is abstinence. They knew the risks, so they should be prepared to take the consequences.

Surely that’s 5 adults and a baby when it arrives in one house, how many bedrooms do you have OP?

If your DH has been made redundant, why isn't he his DS's carer? Then you could up your work hours.

And the suggestion upthread that your DD and her BF pay you some rent/lodging money might help too.

But it sounds as though you'll be very crowded.

It's tough as she's your daughter, and you want to support her. Of course you do. However, she's not really making realistic or adult decisions, is she? She's assumed that she can move back to her childhood family home & that you, her parents, will do everything she thinks she needs.

She hasn't thought through the years of childraising & how she'll support herself & her child. What does her BF do? And how secure is their relationship?

So can you talk her through these things and point out that she can't take permanent life in her family home as a given. If she's old enough to have sex, get pregnant, and not consider a termination (which would be the sensible adult thing to do in the situation) then she can't simply turn back into a child.

Although she is scarcely an adult of course - she's still only just out of childhood. But she and her BF need to grow up & face consequences of their actions.

That's what I thought, but I wasn"t sure. Pity.

The way to support her is to empower her to still go to university. If he moves in with her/she with him, there's all manner of ways he'll inadvertently (or frankly, deliberately) prevent her from going - money, unreliable with caring for the child, deciding he's too young for the responsibility.

Support is not cutting her off, demanding she terminates or make threats of taking her baby (which is the 'tell her you'll be the one parenting it' means). But it doesn't mean facilitating the boyfriend to come and live off your accommodation whilst he 'saves'.

Fact is that the majority of younger Mums do not remain with the father - sometimes it's the father leaving, sometimes it's her realising that he's a waste of space - but if she's got support to continue her studies and the security of knowing that you know she is capable of doing this, that will be the best outcome, as she'll have maturity, confidence and a degree.

It’s not like it is free either! It’s quite pricey and although the OPs dd would be entitled to more student finance because of her child, I doubt it will be enough. The people usually in this sort of accommodation are international postgraduate students who have brought their family over on a family student visa (less common now of course!)

Well clearly she and baby and baby father can't stay with you for any length of time. So she must consider her options and their joint responsibility to be a good parent to their baby.

1. Stay with boyfriend or his parents, if they have room.
2. Both contine to live at home , and conduct a long distance relationship,
3. Both get jobs and rent a flat and sort out a crèche for the new born and she defers university altogether or postpones attendance it until baby is older and her partner can support the family.
4. Seek advice about attending uni as a single parent and find out what's viable
5. Stay at home until baby arrives and then present herself as homeless to the local council who will find her a mother and baby hostel place and will help sort out benefit claim.
6. Adoption
7. termination although OP says she won't consider this. It doesn't rule it as an option though, even if ruled out.

Obviously it's not ideal situation to have a baby in her circumstances, but she needs to consider how she is going to sort out her life, and face up to the problems and issues. What support will her boyfriend realistically offer. You can still be a supportive grandparent but be very clear about t what that support means and it's limitations I.e is it occasional babysitting, if they live locally, or more than that: for example, does it mean any financial support like giving them a deposit on a rented flat, or standing as guarantor.

Don't panic. There is time to sort everything out and think carefully about it. She needs to have a job now so she has as much money as posible when baby is born. He can live and work where he is for now, and save without impacting on you. If you don't have room for all 3 you just don't. They need to start saving now for a rental deposit and rent to set up on their own. They will have to cut their cloth to fit. She may have to return to work earlier than she likes - I went back full time after 12 weeks - no choice. What you need to make clear is you love and will support her but that she is responsible for sorting this out. She just has to grow up very fast.

No, at the very least she should defer for this first year. Going ahead with pregnancy and starting uni the same year is complete madness. Unless she's superwoman she's not going to manage to do either one of those things well. And her uni is hours away from where her family live. How the hell will they make that work, even if the OP could take on any more caring responsibilities than she already has. Just no.

Also defer her place at uni and if possible transfer it locally