Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel

Yes, I agree. Daughter needs to know the reality of the situation.

As a mum of teenagers, if this situation occurred I would not want it framed as my child felt forced into an abortion.

Not being able to assist with free childcare, or free accommodation or other money doesn’t mean the mum and dad cannot be supportive and positive.

I can't see how this situation is going to work for your Autistic son?
In practical terms, you don't have the space for the boyfriend or a baby, so surely it's a no?
Your daughter seems to have thought all this through without considering the impact on her family (and the new baby).

Fuck me, do you seriously think that trying to find another job hasn't occurred to the OP and her DH?

"Her choice of course" - except it isn't because it will have a hugely detrimental effect on the entire family.

As many others have said she needs to either abort or realise she and her boyfriend have to be wholly independent of the OP.

Would also add whenever these things are posted on MN, the OP rarely returns to update.

There are a lot of options when it comes to contraception in the UK. Apart from condoms most contraception is accessed through a clinic or a GP who are able to advise on the most suitable for the patient whatever their physical needs or life style.

Wow! So many replies already!

To answer questions about my husband he is indeed in his fifties and in an industry that is already being affected by AI technology. There are some freelance opportunities that he is actively pursuing and he will do anything to get some money in otherwise. And as soon as possible.

I agree that many people manage in this situation and I like the idea of sitting her down with a budget/tape measure and asking her to take a look at the figures and numbers.

Luckily she is adamant about still going to Uni, and I like the idea of family accommodation.

Thank you to everyone that has replied so far. It seems the general consensus is yes to our daughter and the baby living here and no to the boyfriend.

I am a soft touch and we need to put boundaries in place before the situation becomes one which is difficult for us all.

I‘m off to take my Mum to a physio appointment but will drop back in later. Thank you.

Dontgetitt

Of course it is her choice.

It doesn't have to affect wider family to the extent she lives with her mum.

I’m not sure most responses are saying DD to move in with you.

My mother sat me down and went through the family finances when I was a teen (I'd been whinging on about something). It was one of the best things she ever did - it was a real eye-opener.

Something that all parents should do.

Why can't her and her boyfriend get thier own place? She could put her name down for council accommodation today.

I definitely wouldn't allow her to stay home with the baby, it'll be too disruptive.

It would be a good idea for her to verify exactly what would be available re accommodation at the University she wants to go to, OP.

There may not be an extensive amount on offer as family accommodation and it may be limited to post-graduates.

Which subject does she want to read?

She has a partner and he will really need to step up now. Don't let him move in, this sort of living together in close proximity rarely works with a baby. I would make this clear and this takes the full burden off you. They're adults now. Who knows in a year, you will have a beautiful new baby in the family and they've sorted out their arrangements. Be honest even if they don't like what you have to say, they have to respect it.

If condoms and other contraception was being used, I would not use the word feckless. Makes me wonder if the boyfriend was pressurising the DD to have sex without condoms.

I don't think moving into the OPs house is the answer.

I wonder how many of these replies are from parents of toddlers. It's much easier to project what you would do/say when it's far outside of your current experience.

As the young woman who was pregnant at 18 I am ever grateful for the support of my mum and other family members. We were not a high income family and had other challenges to navigate too. But the practical and emotional support helped me to stay on track to a good path. Me and my children have met most of the tick boxes of what Mumsnet considers a successful life.

It doesn’t sound like you have room for the boyfriend. He can get a job locally and rent a room or they can go to the council. I don’t think this is your responsibility op. I would be encouraging uni and helping with childcare where possible so that dd can still attend even if it’s a local uni. If her and the baby live at home that may be possible but I think a baby and a child with autism would be a difficult combination due to age differences and possible noise sensitivity.

Is her uni near your location, or boyfriend, or elsewhere?

And agree sticking with uni very important.

My friend got pregnant at uni and dropped out of course, I think she did get her award but not for many years.

It seems the general consensus is yes to our daughter and the baby living here and no to the boyfriend.

I think the replies are pretty unanimous that the two adults house themselves, not burden you. Your life sounds really difficult already, there's no need to sign up for making it worse.
The woman wants a kid-fine, she needs to plan and arrange her life to facilitate that.

Can she get on the council list? I’d assume that moving in with you would make her lower priority. If she can go into temp accommodation with the council she’ll probably get housed quicker. But be better for her long term (and you as well). You can support her if she’s local and it will be less stressful if you aren’t all cramped in one house that’s too small.

How will your autistic child cope with a screaming baby in the house?

If it was my daughter I’d be pushing her to make sure she’s 100% prepared to go it alone without boyfriend. If she’s not it’s going to be really tough for her if the relationship doesn’t last.

She can’t move her boyfriend in. You haven’t got the space, emotional capacity, or money. You should be encouraging her to think seriously about an abortion. She’s about to waste her life on her 6th form boyfriend

I am the mum of two adult DC. Both live at home, without paying rent. ( though one moving out shortly).

That's my support.
Won't support babies before they are ready though. When DD was in uni and thought she had a false pregnancy scare, she had BPAS already on her speed dial. I encouraged her. Because neither she or I think abortion is a sin.

Also if she does go ahead, she should NOT defer her uni place. Switch to a similar course at your local uni. Most of them have on site daycare facilities for which she will get a discount as a student. She will never go back otherwise and end up a case study of women unable to find suitable work around childcare because they haven’t achieved professional role and never make enough to be self sufficient.

I know someone the same and it’s not for want of trying but she has had many knock backs. Had first baby at 18, second at 20. Did a degree many years later part time but can’t afford the childcare on an entry level salary in any professional role. She’s done odd jobs here and there - the latest being trying to set up doing aesthetics but it’s a lot of up front cost and hard to get clients. Never had the money to learn to drive so that limits options also. Still with the father of her children but they’ll likely be stuck renting a small house forever and they have a lot of debt. The system is not set up for women to enter to workplace after children.

Im quite surprised by how harsh many of these replies are, and that so many people seem to take abortion so lightly. I really can’t imagine the circumstances when I wouldn’t at least try to muddle through and make things work in the short term if this was my daughter and she wanted to keep her baby. Of course space will be an issue if youve had to downsize, and I realise that money may well be tight, but you’re talking about your daughter and future grandchild.

The jury's out for me whether abortion is a sin but I've had one as it was the right thing for me at the time (late 30s). If my child chose abortion I would support them through that. But I cannot fair weather parent. The extent of my support runs very deep. When it comes to my children I would set myself in fire to keep them warm.

If discouraging babies before an education and job is a fair weather parent, then yes I definitely am.

I'm afraid under the circumstances you've described, this is the better option.