Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

It's a shame, because there was a lot I'd agree with in the rest of that post.

I too have family who definitely don't see their autism as a "gift".

Abortion may seem obvious to everyone else but it's the DD choice and even if she is making her life a lot harder - that's her choice.

I know one of Dsis close friends got pg at 16 got chucked out - she also had a disabled sister who took a huge amount of parental attention - she had it rough two kids and a DP who stuck around years then committed suicide - her parents were never a help and were angry - think plan was she'd look after sister once they passed so in end I think alternative plans had to be made which I think ultimately were better for everyone. She had it really rough - but she says she wouldn't change the choice to keep her first pg- kids were her focus and her joy.

Only thing to be done is give her all the information - medical fiancial and set out realistically what support you can give and be firm that it that what's on offer even if things get bad for her - you have limits.

If she feels she can cope then she may have to live it deal and find and grow up a lot - sometime people have to learn the hard way and live through stuff most parenst how ever young have no choice but to step up.

OP I think it's time now to cut the apron strings and let your DD 'paddle her own canoe'.
How many times do our teeneage daughters tell us "I'm not a child, stop treating me like a child !"
Well she's 18, so not a child and time to make her own way in the world.

What about the boyfriends family?

But the point is she feels she can cope because she expects to be housed by her parents who do not have the space or mental capacity for this.

Hopefully after the weekend the OP comes back with an update on how the daughter and her boyfriend plan to get appropriate jobs and housing sorted.

Every post I've said Op need to make it clear what she can actually do support wise if anything and that doesn't include housing them.

Op as a kind and loving parent needs to make the actual position clear to her - but DD may still decide having baby is best for her and as long as she know living with her parents isn't on the cards when she does so she can still make that choice.

So while it's obvious to everyone else that having a baby at 18 is not best thing for her and will be really hard - she may make a different decsions for herself.

Sister friends at 16 parents thought throwing her out she'd do what they wanted and have an abortion - she didn't and yes there was more support housing wise - but it basically destroyed her and GC relationship with parents.

Decsion making in other peoples heads isn't always rational.

Op you also need to make her aware what if the baby is disabled. It does happen and can happen, and sadly seems to be on the rise. Can she cope with a disabled child?

Thats a bit random hsving a disabled chikd csn happen to anyone and most people cope because they have no choice .

More likely to happen here bevause of the genetic factors OP mentioned in her update. Pre-eclampsia does not run in all families.

Then she would need to speak to the Drs to see how big the risk was and wether its an inherited condition.

But this is a very different situation. The OP and her DH have a strong loving relationship with their DD. If she moved out to her own home, uni accommodation etc - it’s not them throwing her out. IMHO they could possibly even give her more time (as they would be more rested and have a peaceful sanctuary) and would be giving her and her BF privacy and the opportunity to grow their own family independently. There is no suggestion that the OP is throwing anyone out. There are logistical, financial, spacial, emotional issues at play and the best environment for everyone in the short and longer term is space.

I've not said OP is throwing her DD out at all.

I've mentioned a friend who was and that still didn't change her mind about her being pg and having her baby.

Some posters are suggestion abortion is only way forward and I'm saying the DD may never agree with however bad her siatuation gets/appears.

I'm am saying Op should state the facts and her DD then with that information should find out what she need to regarding uni place and accomodation and/or moving in with with boyfriend finding work. The DD can plan her future based on realistic information.

I agree @LolaGold but I think both of those things can be true.

it’s one of the cliches of the teenage single mother, isn’t it. “I wanted someone to love and to love me”. It’s a cliche and a stereotype but often, there’s a bit of fundamental truth in the cliche and the stereotype.

In a small update both DD and BF got very good A’Level results today. BF is here now and we are all tucking into a Chinese to celebrate.

DD is very much wearing ‘rose tinted glasses’ because we have all had to cope and carry on when it got horrifically tough recently. Our family are ‘copers‘. She’s seen us all do it and thinks she can too. This is why I am all in favour of DD and BF discovering for themselves the reality of their situation. Lots of good suggestions on what to say/include. I can be unwaveringly honest but with love, too.

None of DD or BF’s fiends are in the same boat. DD is the very first of her friendship group or peer.

They met through a friend of a friend, whilst BF was up in our City visiting their mate. Quite traditional for once! They have been seeing each other as often as possible at weekends and in the holidays.

To those who mentioned DD may be subconsciously creating her own family unit. I hadn’t thought of that. It’s not impossible I suppose. She expressed wanting children but always indicated that this would be post uni and finding a good job. I do think the pregnancy is an unfortunate statistic.

In the past DD has had trauma therapy due to the situation with DS and we can certainly re-arrange for her to go back. In fact, I am going to ask if she thinks it’s good idea tomorrow.

i have asked her already if she will have a chat with a GP about our family medical history and she agreed. So that’s a positive tiny step.

DH and I agree they need to ‘paddle their own canoe’. We are worn out. I hadn’t even considered that we should sleep anywhere else but downstairs.

We are all eating dinner together tomorrow night so we will have a gentle probe. They will have been able to chat together so we should know a little more about their plans.

I have a lot to think about…

That's good. Try your best to keep her in uni.

@PearlyDewDrops

Which subject would she like to read at University, OP?

You're amazing, @PearlyDewDrops I hope things go well for you all.

yeah but I always wonder if its "yeah mum we used protection honest we did"

Huge congratulations for both on their A level results. That’s a great start. It’s also great that you and your DH have found your stance - you know your boundaries. You have been through so much more than most people have to shoulder. I admire your resilience and ability to cope BUT really you are just about holding everything together at the moment and all of your existing issues will by nature only become more burdensome as the months and years progess. No one would have the emotional, physical and mental capacity for this never mind financial and logistical. Please conserve and prioritise your health if you can’t do it for yourself do it so you are functioning for your DH, DS and DD.

The conversation needs to be crystal clear with your DD - not vague and gentle. She needs a rocket up her so she can research and understand the implications of continuing this pregnancy in the next few weeks. She needs to go see rentals etc

It's all very well suggesting that the couple rent somewhere. Who is going to pay the rent? More importantly, who is going to be their guarantor?

The rental market is really difficult right now as so many landlords are selling up so there are fewer places to rent now.

Exactly

The OP, of course. Because you can't advise daughters to have abortions- they will hate you for evermore- but equally no GP would be able to stand by and see their grandchild struggling, so they will always pony up, at great cost to themselves.
I can't imagine any young person allowing their ill mum to sleep on the sofa, but this is apparently what parents are required to do these days to keep a relationship with their kids.

That's for them to figure out. If they think they are able to be parents then they need to get it together.

You know full well the OP will pay.
It's what I would do as I would not be able to see a GC suffer..Or my DD for that matter.

The OP who doesn't work? The GC won't suffer... his /her parents will grow the eff up and get on with the life they've chosen.