Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

I thought teen pg rates had tanked - and even abortion rates in teens were down - pretty sure it's higher rate in older women now than teens.

I also thought many teens were more than aware of the cost of kids - hence why so many don't want them or don't think they'll have them.

I think this particuar 18 year old may need some budgets and obvious facts pointed out - but abortion should be a choice and I don't think it ever unless very early on a easy one.

Tell her no she can’t stay here and she needs to continue with uni.

Get her to ring the uni. As pp says there will be more support there and hopefully she will meet other young mums.

I don’t know where you live but we are in a working class town and yet all the baby groups are late 20s mums up to late 30s/ early 40. She will struggle to find mum friend support as it’s just completely different life stages.

She doesn't want an abortion, fair enough. But they have to be adults now and find somewhere to live/ support the baby.

What does the boyfriend do? You said he lives 3hrs away, does he have a job there? Would it make more sense for her to move there for a while?

Is rent crazy or will they manage? Can she get support from the social?

Also she needs to be working and saving from now.

She needs to understand that if she’s making the choice to go ahead with the pregnancy then that choice involves having to find somewhere else to live as your house and situation means you can accommodate her baby and her boyfriend.

Maybe she’ll reconsider the abortion faced with a more stark reality.

Gosh so many different opinions! Your head must be spinning. I’m sure you will sit down with your daughter and her boyfriend and work out the best plan for all of you … including yourself. Good luck and I hope it all works out. It usually does!

Another thing to consider: will her autistic brother cope with living in the same house as a baby crying on and off through the night and day? I wouldn't entertain it OP. There is no more room for another adult and a baby by the sounds of it. She needs to either move in with her boyfriend's parents or they need to get a place together.

The world does not revolve around her and her wants - honestly I managed to use contraception for 30 years without getting pregnant - and the time I did want to get pregnant, I got pregnant first time. It's not that hard if you're using it properly.

What is her BF doing? Has he got a job where he is? If so surely it would be better to move to where he is? If he doesn't even have a job then they are both clearly feckless and there's no way I'd have them all free loading at your house when you've already got an unemployed husband.

I agree with this post.

Your daughter may have had a knee jerk reaction "I would NEVER have an abortion" but she is very clearly not in a position to give a child a good life now. She is purposefully starting her own adult life on hard mode and adding to your, already very considerable, workload.

And yes, I know many posters will say how they had a child young and now they're a Doctor / Barrister / Astronaut, but the fact remains that it is significantly more difficult to achieve things when you have a baby, an undeveloped frontal cortex, and parents who aren't millionaires. Why do that when you don't have to?

Personally, I would stress they do the need to find a home together, a rented flat cannot be that much and between the two of them they should be able to work and support baby and each other, they are adults.

It sounds like you have your hands full with caring duties so you need to Stress you cannot provide free childcare.

If money is tight you cannot buy equipment for baby.

Having been in her situation and fell pregnant at 18 whilst in my first year of uni, dd born at 19. Myself and now dh got a rental property, I left uni after first year as hated the course anyway. I worked full time behind a bar until the week before dd was born then I went back when she was 16 weeks old and done a double shift (13 hours on a saturday) my mum had my dd the Saturday. Then I moved to another job when she was 6 months old. Dh worked the whole time.

I then went back to college when she was one and childcare was funded by college. 21 years down the line and she's about to graduate uni. We are married and have two more children. Own our own house, DH has been running his business for 16 years and I've got a decent job.

The best thing they can do to get into an adult/parent mindset, is get their own place. It's going to be hard work but with a bit of support and guidance they they will manage. If she's choosing to have the baby then she needs to step up as an adult on her own two feet.

It’s all well and good that your daughter wants to continue with the pregnancy. That being the case then she, and her boyfriend, need to find a way to live independently of you. Actions have consequences and finding the solution shouldn’t fall on you.

Do not have her BF moved in with you! As your DD is still living with you and would have still been living with you if she’d gone to uni, then you could continue to have her at home while she’s pregnant and early on in the baby’s life, but I’d help her make a plan to go to uni after that. That’s what my friend did - stayed with her family, gave birth, then went to uni when her baby was around 1 year old. The uni had a crèche.

If she doesn’t want to do that, then she needs to find her own place to live. I definitely wouldn’t encourage her to move near her BF. I’d want her fairly local to me so I could support her if needed. The relationship could end anyway as they’re only young.

Contraception failures aren’t that rare when you consider many people don’t realise oral ones aren’t as effective if you’re over a certain weight (60+% of British adults are overweight or obese), they also don’t work if you’ve vomited or had diarrhoea recently and people don’t realise.

If she really wants to have the baby - and you are currently not working I’d accommodate her and the baby(not the partner) - with the proviso she works and pays you rent and childcare - no such thing as a free ride and you cannot afford them. I’d be getting your own DH out the door to work too (alternatively you go back to work and he takes over all the caring and works Pt too- whoever gets a job first)

The daughter's choice to go ahead with the pregnancy is totally her own and I would never suggest a family member try and influence her. If this were to happen, (either abortion or a suggestion to abort the baby) that could affect the daughters relationship with her mum, the OP.

Her choice indeed - she also needs to cope with the consequences of her choices. It sounds like you’re not in a position to help much. I think she and the boyfriend should move to his parents and figure stuff out from their home.

This.

It's none of your bloody business why OP's setup isn't EXACTLY like your friends.

OP should tell you to shove your implied judgement where the sun doesn't shine.

Yes it’s her choice to keep the baby but she needs to understand that choice comes with consequences - like having to find somewhere to live.

She won’t contemplate an abortion.

Then she and her boyfriend will need to find a solution by themselves. From what you have described, there is simply no room for them to move in with a baby.

In reality it is likely you OP will finish up doing the work here if she keeps the baby. You already have quite a lot on your plate. I would strongly encourage your DD to look at living with the in-laws. Not ideal, but none of this is.

It's about time people stopped quoting that nonsensical "#% of people are overweight or obese" stat when they are two distinct conditions and not at all interchangeable

I think that’s reasonable. The OP and her household are stretched to capacity. If her daughter wants to have this baby, she needs to think how she can support it and herself while studying.

If they want to be adults and bring up a baby - they need to be adults and actually bring up their baby! If they can't afford to do that then they abort.

If they are mature enough to have sex and decide to carry on with a resulting pregnancy, they should be mature enough to find a way to house and feed the baby that doesn't rely on freeloading off you. Time to be hard-hearted.

I am not saying that abortion is an easy choice, but it is a choice. And in making a choice about whether to continue with an unplanned pregnancy when you are very young with few resources to fall back on you need to weigh up all the options, taking into account personal and family circumstances, accommodation, current financial and relationship situation, future prospects for employment, the level of support you can access, the quality of life you want to offer any future children etc etc.

Reading the OPs original post it seems to me that her daughter has grabbed the easiest options for herself ie to move back in with mum, and moreover expect mum to house and financially support daughter, boyfriend and baby for the immediate future and possibly beyond, By apparently barely considering the problems this will probably cause for her family who are already at breaking point it shows a level of immaturity even for an 18 year old ( bright enough to be offered a university place) which doesn’t bode well for the daughter or her child in the future.