Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

Exactly, they’re not! Most people are saying if she wants to keep the baby she has to realise that means finding somewhere else to live.

How ridiculous. She needs a dose of reality!

If she wants to play at ‘mummies & daddies’ tell her she needs to find somewhere to live before the baby is born.

You’re clearly not in any position to support her financially or accommodate them as a couple so you need to be crystal clear about that and don’t let her think you can be persuaded by a bit of crying.

I don’t take abortion lightly at all but it doesn’t sound like bringing a baby into this situation would be good for anyone involved, most of all the baby.

given the published statistics in the efficacy of contraception, I am always amazed about the amount of contraceptive failure pregnancies we see on MN.

She could receive support with housing etc from your local authority Children's Social Service because although she is an adult her unborn child will count for Children's Services. There is a lot of support for young mum's out there. Wish her well

It doesn’t sound to me like they can really realistically live with you. How much space do you actually have??? Xx

I find this quite typical of mumsnet
People say they are pro choice but only when its the choice they think people in less than ideal circumstancs should make
Whilst the Ops DD needs to know the reality of her choice
Young women should be supported in choice which is right for them.

Tbh, deferring is more likely to mean that she never goes at all, whereas if she is already there, already receiving advice and support from Student Services and can see that this is manageable, she's likely to stay (and not end up in substandard accommodation with an unemployed boyfriend).

Playing devil's advocate here, if she was so shocked at getting pregnant, then that suggests it wasn't planned, so I don't understand why she's keeping it. She clearly wants a baby. So I strongly suspect she planned it.

I would never in a million years have kept a baby at 18 by a lad I had been with for only one year, and when I had planned on going to University. This is her life now. A mother. At 18. Her future mapped out and the tie of having a baby. Another human life being brought into the world that she is responsible for. She is a teenager, and will not be able to put herself first, until she's in her 40s. And her money will never be her own.

She has postponed her Uni place, but she won't be going to Uni now. She may think she will still do her degree in the next 2-4 years, but she won't. It will be far to difficult with a baby to look after and support. A few posters will pop up and say they - or someone they know - had a baby and did a degree at the same time (in their late teens/around 20,) but the truth is that it will be extremely hard to do, and most people will end up not doing it.

I think you're a good mother supporting her @PearlyDewDrops but I doubt very much that this pregnancy/baby is unplanned.

In 2026, no-one needs to be having a baby at such a very young age. No advice really, other than just be there for her, because she clearly intends to keep this baby.

There seems to have been a lot of posts recently about young women ‘using protection’ yet falling pregnant.
Seems they are not using it very well.
Im not sure if it’s lack of education or laziness while using said ‘protection’ but when used correctly protection is 99%+ reliable.
Abortions are also through the roof and seem now to be used as a form of contraception.

In the 1920s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s our female ancestors died on kitchen tables having backstreet agonising abortions or at best ended up infertile.
They would have killed -literally- for safe, reliable contraceptives.
They would not comprehend how a pill, injections, implant, coil and the morning after pill could be there for free and yet young women couldn’t be arsed to use it properly in order to prevent conception.

@PearlyDewDrops If she’s old enough to fall pregnant and decide she wants to keep said child in the full realisation that it’s over 90% likely she will be a single parent then she’s old enough to provide for her own child. You sound like you have more than enough on your plate -don’t let her decisions negatively impact your life. No way would BF be ‘moving in’ and if she wants to be a teen mum then she should move out and provide for her child.

Having a baby at 18 is not a light decision either. A child is for life, OPs dd has to raise and financially support her child and she has to come up with a plan for that. You cant just "make things work in the short term"

OP is a carer for an autistic child, she doesnt have space in the house, she has no income. How do you propose she muddles through?

The reality is going to university with a young baby is going to be very difficult, supporting a family of 3 on one 18/19 Yr olds income is incredibly difficult. They are unlikely to be able to save for a deposit whilst caring for a baby even living at home. If OPs dd choses to continue the pregnancy she needs to come up with a proper plan on how shes going to do that, research what financial support she maybe entitled to, what accommodation. She cant just sit back and expect her mum to "muddle through"

IME a lot of young people are lazy about contraception and have had their heads turned by stupid TikToks about the dangers of the pill. Too many friends' daughters getting pregnant too young, who should know better. Luckily they have had the sense to have abortions.

OP, the majority of people on here AREN'T saying your dd should move in with you. You say you're a "soft touch." I feel for you but you have to put your foot down. Tell her she can't move in, do the maths and explain abortion is a solution we are lucky to have available. Going forward, get a jab or go on the pill.

There's discouraging which I think many/all would do. Then there's turning your back when your child needs your help. Not the same.

Nowhere have I said it's a good thing.

Who do you think is turning his or her back? I haven't. Nor have I advised the Op to do so.

Apropos, it would be interesting to hear from your mum on what she had to sacrifice so she could be a good parent by your definition.

This

This is exactly the message I gave to my children when they were younger. If you want to have sex then you have to be able to deal with all of the possible consequences.

I think you have to tell the young couple that you can't house them but you will support them in ways that are practical given your circumstances. BF can get a job, as can DD at some point, and they can claim benefits if needed. You may be able to offer some babysitting and other help. DD is young to be pregnant but she's not 15 and still a child who needs protecting from the results of this unexpected pregnancy.

Even if they’re worried about the dangers of hormonal contraception (and frankly I don’t disagree on that) then condoms exist.

In nearly 30 years of using condoms as contraception I’ve never accidentally fallen pregnant. Why? Because a teenage pregnancy (and an unplanned pregnancy once I was older/married) was absolutely the last thing I wanted and I/we were extremely careful to make sure it didn’t happen.

I was a young parent too and frankly if the same happened to DD I would absolutely not want her partner in my house. If it was only her and the baby fair enough, but if it will be the 3 of them then they need their own family accommodation.

I’m always surprised so many young women don’t even consider termination but like you said it’s their choice. Be supportive of her but definitely place some boundaries, she’s in for a shock.

@PearlyDewDrops

This.

I wouldn't agree to a baby in the house if she has siblings, it's not fair. And the BF needs to step up here if he wants to live with her.

I wouldn't put pressure on them but I sure as hell wouldn't make it easier for them or pick up any of the responsibility.

It seems the general consensus is yes to our daughter and the baby living here and no to the boyfriend.

@PearlyDewDrops How are you going to fit them in though? You said in your OP that you don't have room. Does your DD have her own room?

I was a teen mum.

No way would I have the bf move in.
He sounds like a decent guy wanting to move in and get a job etc but 3 of them in one tiny bedroom spells disaster.

An entire extra adult living in your home is going to have a massive impact on everyone, not forgetting a baby too.

There is also the concern of your DD not wanting to continue with the relationship but feeling guilty about him being homeless etc

I would be very supportive and pleased for her (secretly gutted) but tell her that she needs to live at home and he can stay on weekends only.

I personally would be encouraging her to go to uni close to home.

I guess the question is how much you want to be involved.
If the dad lives 3 hours away, then he’s not going to be very hands on and a lot may fall to you/your DH.

I would not want to take on a parenting role I’m finally getting my independence back, however I would much rather help out with nursery runs or babysitting etc if it meant not having to have the bf live with me.

Gosh definitely don’t encourage her to have an abortion. If she felt pressured into that she could regret it and resent you for the rest of her life. It absolutely needs to be 100% her choice.

Unsure why you couldn’t allow the bf to move on too. He can earn money and help with the baby - forming a strong bond and being an equal parent so it isn’t all on her.

If you have boundaries and expectations clear it shouldn’t result in extra work or stress for you. You may enjoy the company?

Also how far along is she? There may still be a chance of miscarriage and it may be premature to make all these decisions so rapidly.