Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

I wouldn't rule out university. Universities often have heavily subsidised nursery spaces and accommodation suitable for families

I’d say: “Happy for you if that’s what you want, but no you can’t live here.”

She’s an adult, making an adult choice so she needs to take full adult responsibility for it.

OP states she has caring responsibilities for her autistic son and has enrolled in course so she has something to do besides caring for others. Why on earth should she take on caring for her DDs baby? If her DD chooses to have a child the onus must be on her to care for it.

I read that, yes. Redundant = out of work = find a new job.

I wouldn't either but she may need to look a bit closer to home - so look ar clearing now see if that's an option - or loojk at what support her uni place comes with.

If you can't fit extra adults and baby into living conditions be upfront and clear about that - she an adult and soon to be repsonsible for another human being - say you don't want to see her on streets but her current plan is unworkable for any real length of time.

Also if not keen to be left doing childcare make that clear as well - so she knows where she stands but make it clear to offer what support you do feel you can.

The op said they had been using contraception so not feckless. The pregnancy was an accident, it could happen to anyone. I'm sure daughter and boyfriend are unhappy about it, especially as she planned on going to uni but they are trying to make the best of it.

In their circumstances, who else is there to ask other than parents?

I wouldn't want it either but something has to be worked out for the baby's sake, and it won't be forever.

I assume he's looking for one. It's not easy in this climate, especially if 50 and over!

I think if you let them live with you, you need to do it with the acceptance that they will probably be there a long time and that you will be stepping up and playing a major role in childcare.

Personally, it wouldn't be for me and I wouldn't agree if I was in the same situation but only you and your husband can make that choice. It doesn't sound like your house will accommodate a baby and 2 adults, alongside your other stresses and responsibilities.

I became pregnant with DD when I was 22 (very different to 18, but still very young) and I was still living at home with my dad. My dad said that I could live there with the baby if I needed to, but my boyfriend would not be moving in. It gave us both the push we needed to save up, rent a flat and build a life for ourselves. I'm grateful to my dad for giving me that, we now have a home of our own and are fully self sufficient.

You need to know that if you take her in and she has this baby, you will be the one raising this baby.

Ooof.

If your daughter thinks she's ready to enter the adult world of parenting, she also needs to know the adult world of finances.

Sit her down with your household budget and be very open and honest with her about your income and expenditure and the number of rooms in the house.

My stepchild wanted to move in with friends (no babies involved) when they were all 16/17 and working full time. It was very niave and pie in the sky.

They'd found a cheap place to rent and could afford the rent between them. We sat her down with a spreadsheet of all the other bills and expenses. Then another table which showed that rent money being paid to her mum and all the other disposable income she'd have to save, to go travelling, all that. They didn't all move in together in the end.

I didn't have a clue at her age about my parents income and expenditure.

Do you have room for this boyfriend? Is he already at Uni or does he work? How much money will he be bringing into the household? With your husband's recent redundancy you can't be subsidising an extra adult with no additional income.

Have you spoken with your daughter about longer term? I know it's obvious but babies become toddlers then school children, then teenagers and this is a WHOLE extra human being, not just a cute little baby.

It sounds like she's felt very loved and cared for and supported by you and her Dad, and that your home feels like a place of safety and nurture to her so it's where she wants to be and where she wants her boyfriend to be. But she does need to know some proper facts about money and household finances and family responsibility. I wonder if a visit to Citizens Advice would be useful too?

For me, my definition of feckless is not having an abortion when you can't support or house a baby, and expecting your exhausted carer mum/ laid off dad to step up.

Other people may have different defintions of ' feckless'. That's mine.

She obviously didn’t want a child as she was using contraception, so I wonder why, with her University place sorted and knowing the situation the family is in financially and health wise, your daughter decided continuing with the pregnancy was the best choice she could make. Hey ho.

I do wish the government would look into the failed contraception rate among MN posters and their children. It seems to be extremely high.

How many weeks, OP?

If in the early weeks, the best solution for her would be to see her GP to discuss the range of options open to her.

She may still be able to take up her place at University this year.

I would put it back on her. If you just say no she will get defensive. She's an adult so treat her like one.

"DD I want to support you but I have serious concerns about how we are going to make this work. Let's sit down and see if we can come up with a solution"

And really deep dive into everything. Make a list together of what baby will need - cot, pram etc etc. I assume she will want boyfriend and baby in current bedroom. Get a tape measure. Ask her where it will all fit. Where will boyfriends belongings fit?

Get a budget out. Show her you cannot afford to buy anything for her, boyfriend or baby. What money will they need to contribute?

Maybe she will see a solution you haven't thought of. But at least she will see how unfeasible this all is for herself.

It’s happened now. If she wants to keep the baby, you should support her emotionally for sure. But financially, that needs to be on the father of her child. First thing, she needs to put her name down for a council house immediately as it can take a very long time. I would let the father move in on the agreement he finds a job and they move out before the baby is born. Please don’t ship her off to his hometown - she will want her mum, especially when baby arrives, as you know how hard and what an emotional toll it takes.

If this was my daughter, she and baby would be welcome to live with us but it would be a no to the boyfriend. If they want to live together, I would say they need to move out. If they want to make the choice to continue the pregnancy and all be together, they need to be able to house themselves. Adult choices have consequences.

I would be hoping she had a termination if this was my daughter.

I feel for you OP.

She should look into applying to your closest university for the year after her baby is born. She’s not going to want to move away to uni when her partner works in her home town, you’re there and nursery will be there!

Every time there's a post like this, there's always a raft of:"well I did it and it was fine", completely forgetting what it's actually like out there.

University and housing costs are crippling. Young people can't get jobs; not even part time ones in McDonald's or tesco or any of the other jobs we used to get as teens. Middle aged people can't get jobs.
People on 2 wages are struggling if they have kids.

How the bloody hell are 2 teenagers, still living at home, supposed to make it work?

I feel like the anti abortion movement seems to be gaining traction in a way it really didn't when I was a teen back in the 90s. And it's not the dads who end up stuck with the child (yes, yes, I know- on mn you've all been with your partners since you were 16).

It might be the making of her.
Can she defer Uni to next year and explore available support whilst she is studying? You/she might be surprised at help available. In the meantime you need to be very frank with her about your living arrangements.

Abortion isn’t a straightforward or easy decision, no matter the circumstances.

Women are allowed to use contraception to prevent pregnancy but change their mind once they see that positive line! You can also go to university at any age.

@PearlyDewDrops Having said that, if your daughter is 100% on keeping the pregnancy then the best cause of action is for her and her boyfriend to find a flat. If they cannot afford one then unfortunately she would have the make the hard decision of an abortion, as it is simply not fair or sustainable to move her partner in and bring up the baby in your home.

If it was me I'd say no. You have more than enough on your plate without taking on two teenagers and a baby. You are not obliged in any way to do this. Imho.

I would offer to help her to find accommodation & work but make it clear that you don’t have the room or capacity to support her in the way that she is suggesting . Taking responsibility for the baby’s welfare is all part of parenting and something that she & her boyfriend need to step up to immediately. That means sorting out a home and income .
If they are not ready to take on that responsibility then they’re not ready to be a parents .

That would be a big fat no from me. She needs to face the consequences of her own actions.

If down the line the relationship breaks down and she needs to go somewhere with the baby, take her in.

You can support your daughter without having to agree to her boyfriend moving in and the three of them living with you indefinitely.
You already have an enormous amount on your plate with bereavement, moving, your husband being made redundant, caring responsibilities and your own health. It’s completely reasonable to say that you simply don’t have the capacity for this.
They’re both young and this is a huge shock, so I’d encourage them to slow down and look at what they can realistically manage themselves, work, housing, finances, childcare and university.
Tell her you love her, will support her and will be there for her, but that doesn’t mean your home has to become their long-term solution. Setting that boundary now is far better than agreeing and ending up overwhelmed and resentful.
You’re allowed to protect your own wellbeing too.

She’d be better at uni, the childcare is funded and she’d get family accommodation.