Was I unreasonable to object to my daughter sharing my PIN?

[LaSorbonne26]

Are my feelings unreasonable?
I've just returned from a week's holiday with extended family, near my daughter's home. Early in the week, she hosted a gathering, and I gave her my debit card to pay for the food which I often do, very happily.

At the party, I asked her for my card back as I have gone home without it in the past. She requested it from her new partner who pulled it out of his back pocket. I must have looked surprised so she explained that he'd picked up the food to help her out and she'd had to give him him my pin code to do so. I told her that this made me feel very uncomfortable but I'd discuss after the party. She said she would not talk about it and dismissed my concern.
All week, after that, her partner glared at me when we met and was very curt. I tried to discuss the issue but he told me he was extremely offended that I thought he'd run off with my money, and he walked away from further discussion. I hadn't thought that at all; he's a successful businessman, but I'm not sure why i feel so uncomfortable about the matter. I just feel my bank details are private information.
Neither of them are talking to me now. What should I do?

Apologise!

For what?

Don’t ever share your card and pin with anyone! Not even family.

But as you did, she is completely in the wrong giving it to him and then him keeping it in his wallet as if his personal possession. Why is he angry with you? Only because he was caught. And she has shut down the conversation because she knows they are both in the wrong.

Please don’t do this again. Change the PIN if you can as soon as possible. Or get a new card. Don’t give them access to your finances. If you wanted to pay for the food you could give them cash or transfer money.

Change the PIN and don't give it out to your daughter again. She shouldn't have passed it on to anyone, let alone a fairly new partner.

If fraud does occur on your account you won't have a leg to stand on, as your bank will be able to see if the PIN was entered correctly first time, which wouldn't usually happen if the card was stolen.

You should keep your PIN to yourself and transfer money into your DD's account if you want her to make purchases on your behalf.

Nope I disagree. I would not like that at all.

And the way they are reacting it childish at best.

I wouldn't apologise, I certainly wouldn't be letting them have the card again.

However, newish BF, happy to give you the silent treatment. Does your DD has previous for being defensive? If not, I'd be keeping an eye out for coercive control.

You have nothing to apologise for but I'd keep the door open for her, just in case.

OP has nothing to apologise for - the DD is in the wrong here.

Change your PIN and not share it again.
Then talk to them and tell them you are not comfortable with your PIN and card being shared when you haven't been asked. I guess it is about trust, but also about you controlling your data.

You need to apologise to them both. You've basically acted like he's a thief and that your dd can't be trusted to pick a decent normal bloke.

Change the Pin and don’t share it with family again. The new boyfriend was being out of order with you about it, you hardly know him.

You are saying that you trust your daughter with the PIN but not her partner. He’s hurt about that. The fact that he is new will compound that as he was probably trying to make a good impression. He’s embarrassed.

I get what you are saying about a PIN being private but, for that reason, you should not have given it to your daughter. You could have transferred her the money very quickly and simply after purchase.

If there is a fraud on your card and the bank ask “did you give the PIN to anyone?” there is no special rule that says “Fine if it was your blood relative”. The minute you tell ANYONE you have lost control from the bank’s perspective.

No, they are in the wrong. She shouldn’t have given her Mum’s card to a near stranger. And then to treat her generous Mum as if she is in the wrong is offensive. He doesn’t sound too wonderful - I doubt he’s the “successful professional” he seems.

How does OP know whether he's a thief, or not?

It doesn't actually matter.
DD has no right sharing someone else's PIN with someone she is just getting to know.
I happily hand my card over to my 15 year old, but if he shared it, that would stop.

Change your pin and never loan your card to your daughter again. She is not responsible enough to be trusted.

Change your PIN. And keep it to yourself.

Are you crazy? No one should have your pin. But if you choose to share it, IT IS NOT THEIRS TO SHARE
I can’t believe this is something that has to be explained to adults.

partners are not one person. If someone shares private info with you, it’s not yours to share with others.

I hope everyone you know realises anything private they share with you may well be broadcast to others

Some people can't be told.

The only acceptable response from them should have been 'argh, I'm sorry, I didn't think. Thank you for the card and the food!' (I mean, he did use your card to buy the food, so he did kind of run off with yr money, tbf!)

Change your pin.

Neither of them are talking to you? What should you do? lol. Stop being such a wet lettuce. 'Oi, you two, what's your problem?

'Glared' at you and was 'curt'? I would have laughed. What a baby.

You are all wrong. You shouldn't give your card and pin to someone else, even your DD.

She shouldn't have given your card and pin to her BF.

They are behaving like brats.

Why on earth didn't you just BACs the money into her account?

I think this is against the terms you have signed with your bank. They could in theory take action and, as others have said, you would be liable for any fraud on the card as you have been free and easy with your PERSONAL Identification Number. You should never, ever share it with anyone. You should never need to hand your card over for a payment in the UK and you should never let anyone else do contactless using your card, including your daughter or a shop assistant.

You've been daft and as said above, change the PIN and never share it again.

By default, accusing her DP of nefarious behaviour with your bank card.

Do not apologise. Giving a PIN number to anyone is foolish, that was your mistake. Your daughter passing than PIN number on is way, way out of order. She she apologise to you.
Change your PIN and don’t let your daughter have it again.

To those saying your daughter was right, have you never read the restrictions around PIN numbers, the horror stories of what happens when people don’t take care with PIN numbers? You immediately lose all financial protections, you have breached your terms and conditions.

Quite frankly, they should pay for the food themselves, if they are hosting! The OP was being incredibly generous and they have abused that. A “successful professional” would have refused the card in the first place!

Why on earth are you handing over your card and PIN to your daughter?! That’s completely negligent and irresponsible of you. And she shouldn’t have accepted it or handed it to her partner either.

She is in the wrong. If her husband was the one who would use the card, she should have asked you to give him the PIN directly. Regardless, her refusing to discuss it and his huffing and glaring are childish in the extreme. Change the PIN and don't lend the card again; I think it's normally in the terms of use that you don't share the PIN with people whose names aren't on the account anyway. You can give her cash or do a funds transfer if this kind of situation comes up again.

Does the daughter have a history of being a bit manipulative and controlling? Because this is how it seems?

You breached your banks terms and conditions by giving your pin numbers to anyone. You know you're not supposed to do that?

Why didn't she just do the shopping?And you do her a bank transfer after she gives you the receipt? Wouldn't hand anyone my bank card.