Was I unreasonable to object to my daughter sharing my PIN?

[LaSorbonne26]

Are my feelings unreasonable?
I've just returned from a week's holiday with extended family, near my daughter's home. Early in the week, she hosted a gathering, and I gave her my debit card to pay for the food which I often do, very happily.

At the party, I asked her for my card back as I have gone home without it in the past. She requested it from her new partner who pulled it out of his back pocket. I must have looked surprised so she explained that he'd picked up the food to help her out and she'd had to give him him my pin code to do so. I told her that this made me feel very uncomfortable but I'd discuss after the party. She said she would not talk about it and dismissed my concern.
All week, after that, her partner glared at me when we met and was very curt. I tried to discuss the issue but he told me he was extremely offended that I thought he'd run off with my money, and he walked away from further discussion. I hadn't thought that at all; he's a successful businessman, but I'm not sure why i feel so uncomfortable about the matter. I just feel my bank details are private information.
Neither of them are talking to me now. What should I do?

No, not at all. Eg: you maybe buy something online, but at the same time your card is also being used 20 miles away. That would be flagged.

Sorry if I misunderstood. I thought he just went to pick up the stuff that OP daughter asked for. Not buying things for himself.

But yeah the daughter shouldn't always take things off her mum.

Your daughters in the wrong and they are both in the wrong for not speaking to you.
Your daughter should respect you and that this is private information.
No one is saying he would run off with your money but we are told all the time to not give out our personal information it would feel wrong to me too .
Don't apologise for wanting to keep yourself safe and secure.
I would let my sons use my card but I wouldn't want their girlfriends knowing the pin its a boundary they need to respect it.

lol I know my parents pins and have for years. It would never occur to me to not!

Why ”lol”? It’s incredibly negligent and irresponsible of them to share their pin with anyone. Really shocking.

She should have asked if you were happy for her to share the PIN with him. YANBu.

the partner did nothing wrong he was given it by the daughter
Yes he did. He spent a whole week glaring at the OP at every opportunity, being curt, told her 'he was extremely offended' (diddums), and refused any further discussion.
He needs to take his share of responsibility.

That’s fine for you but imagine what it does to family relationships when people discover they have been defrauded usually to pay for drinks, drugs, gambling, buying expensive goods. This is not uncommon. Bank workers especially those in Fraud have heard it all.

I imagine the only people who would want a card and the owner’s PIN number rather than just getting the cash transferred to them are those who have no funds or have maxed out the overdraft.

As a successful businessman he can pay for the shopping in future!

I’d eat my hat if my close family ever defrauded me!

If I trust close family to care for the two most precious things in my life (my children)
I darn well trust them with my PIN number!

You sound like that poster from yesterday.

It’s nothing to do with trust. It’s to do with the bank saying ‘ha! You didn’t follow our rules! This means we don’t have to pay you back!’.

I don’t really follow how, having had it explained multiple times, people are still saying ‘but I trust my family’. No one is saying you don’t. No one is saying they’re untrustworthy.

@InAcmeLyre

Another one here on team DD and BF are out of order in their behaviour.

I’m sure they didn’t mean any malice, but shutting it down like that and being so defensive stinks of twattery!!

It’s exhausting isn’t it @ParchedGarden ?

But hey, the bank will explain it to them if they ever get scammed by a stranger and want their money back.

This. Simples

So is it against the t&c to have a card saved on, for example, Amazon? Because I can easily imagine a scenario in which I go out shopping and my DS calls me and says he needs something for college the next day and it's on Prime and needs ordering now to get next day delivery, and I say go ahead and order it. Is that wrong?

All these hysterical posters claiming that banks look through CCTV (or use AI, which is surely regulated) every time a fairly modest fraudulent transaction takes place are ridiculous. Do we really think if I ring up and say a £200 purchase has been made and it wasn't me the bank then looks (or uses AI) to look through all the times my card has been used in, what, the last week, month? And if the fraudulent purchase took place in, say, Mexico, where I have never been and no other transactions have ever been made from my card there, they will still look through the CCTV of my card being used in this country on the off chance that I have leant my card to someone and they can then get out of paying me the £200 back? Really?

Obviously we shouldn't lend our cards and pins to people but some of these posts are a tad OTT.

So is it against the t&c to have a card saved on, for example, Amazon? Because I can easily imagine a scenario in which I go out shopping and my DS calls me and says he needs something for college the next day and it's on Prime and needs ordering now to get next day delivery, and I say go ahead and order it. Is that wrong?

No, because you don't put your PIN in.

The CCTV review obviously doesn't occur for every fraud reported, that wouldn't be cost effective. But if a full investigation was launched, it might be.

The upshot is, there is simply no need to share PINs, there are plenty of other easy options to resolve the issue of one person paying, why not do a safer one?

Family don’t defraud you, eh? There are a lot of inheritance battles going through the courts these days because siblings are fighting over money. Marriages - end in the divorce courts more than half the time with battles over money. Partners can drink your money away or gamble it or spend it on OnlyFans. You are naive if you don’t think these things happen all the time!

@Chewbecca So that post is irrelevant then? Good. But I thought the poster was making the point that the card was being used twice and both uses couldn't be the card owner. So that's ok and it's just the PIN you aren't allowed to share?

People do it because in reality it is pretty safe in most cases. The chances of significant fraud of the scale to warrant a full investigation with all relevant CCTV being accessed (though it isn't even present in all places where PINs can be entered) being perpetrated on the account at the same time as you lending your card to someone is pretty slim. If a massive fraudulent transaction took place on my account and the bank asked me if I had ever lent my card to someone I doubt I would even make the connection with the time 3 months ago when ds took my card to the shop to get milk and would answer 'no' in good faith.

He sounds like a petulant child. Petulant children can be petty. Change your pin.

He’s not responsible for the daughter freely giving him the pin
but nobody would appreciate being told there untrustworthy and probably stole off them which is the insinuation

I’m 1000% behind OP I wouldn’t like it and it would piss me off
but it couldn’t be undone so it was completely unnecessary to raise it just change the pin new card and don’t do it again
it’s changed nothing and was completely pointless

I wouldn’t assume that at all, much less take umbrage at it. I’d assume/understand that sharing a card and PIN with anyone, trusted or not, is a security risk that banks will make customers pay for, for reasons rehearsed over and over again on this thread.