Was I unreasonable to object to my daughter sharing my PIN?

[LaSorbonne26]

Are my feelings unreasonable?
I've just returned from a week's holiday with extended family, near my daughter's home. Early in the week, she hosted a gathering, and I gave her my debit card to pay for the food which I often do, very happily.

At the party, I asked her for my card back as I have gone home without it in the past. She requested it from her new partner who pulled it out of his back pocket. I must have looked surprised so she explained that he'd picked up the food to help her out and she'd had to give him him my pin code to do so. I told her that this made me feel very uncomfortable but I'd discuss after the party. She said she would not talk about it and dismissed my concern.
All week, after that, her partner glared at me when we met and was very curt. I tried to discuss the issue but he told me he was extremely offended that I thought he'd run off with my money, and he walked away from further discussion. I hadn't thought that at all; he's a successful businessman, but I'm not sure why i feel so uncomfortable about the matter. I just feel my bank details are private information.
Neither of them are talking to me now. What should I do?

You shouldn’t be giving your PIN to anyone. Just transfer money into your daughter’s account if you want to pay for the food.

Quoted wrong post!

Hmm, I have been thinking that but then questioning whether it's just because he's made me feel uncomfortable.

Op gave permission to one person and they can't delegate that authority to another. If I let you drive my car, I don't expect you to give permission to someone else to drive it, certainly not with discussing it and seeking permission.

This isn't about trusting him, it's trusting the daughter to have good boundaries, she let you down and then let you down again by telling him.

Let's see if he would be happy for the Op to have his PIN number.

Absolute rubbish!!
They both need to apologise to her.

They're not entitled to have her card and she trusted her DD to take good care of it, not give it away to her current boyfriend.

Never give your daughter your card again and change your PIN number asap.

I’d be reading DD the riot act if I was her mum!

As other posters have pointed out, why didn't you just transfer money to your dd account? I don't understand leaving your card and pin with her?

But also if he is successful, why isn't he paying?

Hold on, he’s a successful businessman and he’s not picking up the tab for a party he’s co-hosting with your Dd?

hmmm… you could have transferred the money etc etc

no, she was wrong to share your pin.

you were wrong to share your pin. In future you can transfer money back if you’re so inclined, but never give your card to anyone else

Also, if he’s a sulker, your DD needs to get rid of him. Sulky men make very bad partners as it’s the start of coercive control.

What on earth?! You hand over your card and Pin to your teen?!

Teen?

Yes.
Why wouldn't I?

Not you. The poster who said they give theirs to their 15 year-old.

i mean you’re not unreasonable for feeling that way but by voicing it you are pretty explicitly saying you don’t trust this man, so I understand why he’s a bit miffed

But she should not be expected to trust him - she barely knows him. Trust has to be earned.

Even if he'd been a longstanding partner or husband of the DD, she shouldn't have passed it on without the OP's permission (and as stated the OP should not be sharing her PIN at all).

I can’t get my head around lending your card and giving your PIN to an adult child. She’s not a 10 year old being sent to the shop with
to buy milk. If you want to give her money just transfer it into her bank account like a normal person.

Not to mention that sharing your card and especially your PIN with another person is against your bank’s T+Cs.

Get your PIN changed and never give your bank card to anyone again.

Never mind changing your pin, I would cancel the whole card as somebody you don't know has had it. They could use the information on the card to buy things online. You don't even need a pin for that.

Well the partner didn't steal any money from you did he? He was helping you out!

Obviously you don't need to give your card out to your daughter. But I wouldn't assume the new partner had photographed the card and memorised the PIN. If you're worried just change it. You can do that very easily.

The successful businessman can pay for his own food from now on.
I don’t think you need to apologise. Change your pin.

So this “businessman” took your card and willingly used it in a shop to buy food? That’s incredibly unethical. I’d expect my daughter’s newish partner to be treating me to at least some of the food at their family gathering! He doesn’t seem a catch. Then he kept your card rather than immediately returning it and when caught he’s huffy with you??! Your DD should run a mile.

What sort of “business” is he in?

You’re breaking the bank’s terms and conditions. It’s the first basic rule - never give your card or pin to anyone ever.

The daughter should be the one to apologise!

This is shocking behaviour from her!

I know my mums pin, there is no way I’d give it to anyone else!

Your DD is completely in the wrong here.

My teen used to always borrow my card and use my pin.

I trust my kids.

Oooohhhhh they are uppity little feckers aren’t they?

Your DD shared your personal info and refuses to discuss it and her partner shuts you down?

Change the PIN and next time do not give her your bank card .if she asks remind her she doesn’t respect your boundaries and her DP is a successful business man and doesn’t need your money and thinks he’s more important - so he can sort it.

My DM frequently gives me her bank card to pay for things, e.g. I have Amazon Prime so she gets me to order stuff from Amazon for her or to draw cash from an ATM for her. My husband of 27 years does not know her PIN so I definitely think it isn’t unreasonable for you to expect your DD to keep your PIN secret.