Was I unreasonable to object to my daughter sharing my PIN?

[LaSorbonne26]

Are my feelings unreasonable?
I've just returned from a week's holiday with extended family, near my daughter's home. Early in the week, she hosted a gathering, and I gave her my debit card to pay for the food which I often do, very happily.

At the party, I asked her for my card back as I have gone home without it in the past. She requested it from her new partner who pulled it out of his back pocket. I must have looked surprised so she explained that he'd picked up the food to help her out and she'd had to give him him my pin code to do so. I told her that this made me feel very uncomfortable but I'd discuss after the party. She said she would not talk about it and dismissed my concern.
All week, after that, her partner glared at me when we met and was very curt. I tried to discuss the issue but he told me he was extremely offended that I thought he'd run off with my money, and he walked away from further discussion. I hadn't thought that at all; he's a successful businessman, but I'm not sure why i feel so uncomfortable about the matter. I just feel my bank details are private information.
Neither of them are talking to me now. What should I do?

You feel so uncomfortable about the matter because you are having to face the fact that your DD isn’t as responsible as you thought.
Actually OP, neither were you in lending it to her in the first place (though I’ve done it myself.)

You just have go back to them and explain exactly why it’s a problem and how you could have lost out financially if anything had gone wrong such as him having had it stolen.
Let them know that the fault lay not with your DD and not with her BF but with you for not explaining properly that by lending out your card, you were invalidating any hope of the bank taking positive action on your behalf should the card be lost or stolen. It’s nothing to do with trust or lack of trust.
Use the incident to apologise for the offence caused and set things straight as well as to educate them as to why you were wrong to lend it out with your pin in the first place.

You need to apologise to them both. You've basically acted like he's a thief and that your dd can't be trusted to pick a decent normal bloke.,
Nonsense!!

Rubbish !

Oh, also, when you have the conversation with the bank about trying to get your money back after a fraud, they will ask you “has your card been in your possession at all times?” And “Have you given your PIN to anyone?”

If you lie and say you never gave your card or your PIN away, that is fraud and a criminal offence.

And if you tell the truth and say “oh I only gave it to my trusted family” then it doesn’t matter in the slightest that the fraud was perpetrated by a total stranger. You broke the ts and cs and the bank will tell you that they are under no obligation to reimburse you.

I have known my parents PIN numbers since I was a teen…my husband and children know them too. Our kids know our ones too. With contactless though a pin is rarely required.

sounds like your daughter/partner feel you were making judgement that he wasn’t trustworthy!

Why on earth would you tell the bank that you’d told a family member in the past and they’d used it with your permission?

I would simply say “nope”

I would not accept that sort of treatment from your daughter or her uppity partner. You bought them food and this is the thanks you get - a heaping big pile of attitude from both of them.

The 'successful businessman' should have whipped out his own card to buy the food. I bet he doesn't share his pin with friends of friends.

Tell them they are both welcome to apologize to you any time, for sharing the pin and giving you grief in the case of your daughter, and for freeloading and giving you attitude on the part of the new partner.

I'd change my pin if i were you, and resolve never to buy them as much as a small order of chips from now on.

Grow up. The daughter shouldn’t have given the pin to someone else, irrespective of the relationship. The bloke might be a normal decent bloke, but the daughter can’t be trusted.

@HwalkingL you've had multiple people tell you how it actually works as opposed to how you’d like it to work, including one who works in a bank fraud department and you’re fighting back to everyone.

It’s your money, ultimately it doesn’t affect me, so carry on however you want to. I’m sure it’ll all be fine.

Why should OP apologize? She was happy to share her pin with her daughter, not anyone else. Daughter should be apologising for giving out the pin. Partner could be a closet gambler for all OP knows. It was not daughter's pin to give out without OPs permission.

Change your pin immediately.

Sweet Jesus

WHY would the bank go trawling through cctv footage for a transaction that I had NOT reported as fraudulent ie one that my
siblings or children had carried out? They wouldn’t.

if I reported a fraudulent transaction it would NOT be via use of a PIN number. Why? Because the people who know it are me and people I trust implicitly. So it would be online fraud or contactless.

Agree.

He's not even trying to disguise the fact that he's an entitled and manipulative twat for the benefit of the mother of his partner.

I have always let my children use my cards, from when they were teens and I do still now they're young parents themselves. But I know they would never-ever give my PIN to their partners, although they have been together a very long time and I have always known and loved them. The fault is with your daughter, not you.

👍

Thank goodness for that!!

Don't make a fuss,but change your pin asap and don't give it to your daughter again.

I wouldn’t like it
but she probably made a poor ju call as in she trusts her partner like you trust her

I would of just taken it back changed my pin got a new card and wouldn’t do it again

not sure what you thought you’d achieve by mentioning it to them

My mum sometimes tells me her PIN if she wants me to buy something for her with my debit card, but it’s only very occasionally. And of course I wouldn’t defraud her.

She shouldn’t have shared it, and he definitely shouldn’t be offended that you told her she shouldn’t. But if he is offended that is up to him.

you didn’t tell your daughter you thought he would steal presumably, so why he would be offended I don’t know. Anyway if he is offended he doesn’t get to be rude about it, that’s not ok.

Dd was wrong to give your personal details and card to bf

you know in future to not give to your dd

You are owed an apology.
It's not okay for your daughter to give your card and PIN to her partner.
I've been with my dp 25 years and wouldn't even consider give him my mums card and pin to go shopping with because it doesn't belong to me.
Did you speak to your daughter about it in front of her partner though. A private conversation would have been better .

Massive breach of trust by your Dd.

It isn't that you worry that he might have robbed you it's that you just don't do that. Same as if you are a Dr and know people's details you just don't share confidences. You took HER into your trust and took a risk (as against bank T&C) . That doesn't give her the right to pass that on to A.N.Other, whoever it is.

It's the principle.

And New Partner is ill mannered and self absorbed if he can't see that - how dare he behave like that?

I would tell your Dd all this. Maybe without the partner bit - but say you are a disappointed that he reacted like that.

Your dd takes you for granted...you paid for the food , she assumed she can bandy your card about, she assumes she never has to reflect on what she did....

She should be apologetic, say in hindsight she realises she shouldn't have done it and she should be bloody grateful for you paying for the food.

This is all on the daughter
the partner did nothing wrong he was given it by the daughter
and yes people are sensitive wether it was meant to or not it’s going to come across as you can’t be trusted and insinuating there going to steal
he should of never been put in that position in the first place

The source of all the issues is your actions in the first place. Don’t share your PIN with anyone. This rule is actually a very sensible fraud avoidance measure and if people followed it they would avoid all sorts of bother. Family fraud is a thing.