Was I unreasonable to object to my daughter sharing my PIN?

[LaSorbonne26]

Are my feelings unreasonable?
I've just returned from a week's holiday with extended family, near my daughter's home. Early in the week, she hosted a gathering, and I gave her my debit card to pay for the food which I often do, very happily.

At the party, I asked her for my card back as I have gone home without it in the past. She requested it from her new partner who pulled it out of his back pocket. I must have looked surprised so she explained that he'd picked up the food to help her out and she'd had to give him him my pin code to do so. I told her that this made me feel very uncomfortable but I'd discuss after the party. She said she would not talk about it and dismissed my concern.
All week, after that, her partner glared at me when we met and was very curt. I tried to discuss the issue but he told me he was extremely offended that I thought he'd run off with my money, and he walked away from further discussion. I hadn't thought that at all; he's a successful businessman, but I'm not sure why i feel so uncomfortable about the matter. I just feel my bank details are private information.
Neither of them are talking to me now. What should I do?

Change your pin, don't give it to anyone again. She didn't need it anyway because assuming she coul just pay for food contactless? Irrespective she was wrong to share it with anyone else and if he is glaring at you for that he is massively out of order.

Whaaat ?

Are you completely bonkers?

And have you bothered to read the T & C when you signed up for the card?

All of this. And not just the bank. I was interviewed by police twice as the victim of identity theft which was not specifically related to any particular card or account. One of the first questions they ask is if anyone else might have had access to your banking information.

Oh gee whizz!

I say again - did you read the T & C when you took the card out?

No, I didn't think so.

Contactless - not if the value of the transaction is over £100. Also, you are periodically asked to enter your PIN for security reasons - I've never counted but I'd guess it's a slightly randomised every 15 transactions or similar - so that if your card is lost or stolen, there is a limit to how much can be spent on it without the PIN.

The only solution which is secure and compliant with the terms and conditions of the account is for the OP to transfer money into her DDs account if she wants her to buy things on her behalf.

And I’ll “say again” that the t&cs are
irrelevsnt to me.

1. i completely trust those I have shared it with
2. and if my bag was stolen… then, I’d cancel card and bank would never know that I’d told others (in any event - had no impact on the situation at hand whatsoever!)

and this pin talk is all a dark ages. Contactless?

How on earth would the bank ever find out?!

What on earth are you on about

they would only look at cctv footage of the person who has stolen my card knew my pin
and no one aside from people I trust implicitly know the pin!!

@Chewbecca you are really struggling with the notion that my siblings and children are not going to defraud me

no one else knows the pin

so if my card is nicked…. The thief isnt going to know my pin. So why would the bank be looking at cctv footage of when the pin has been used?!

Why are you only reading tiny parts of posts?

CCTV footage of your card's usage is readily available. It is used all the time in fraud investigations. It's really easy for a bank to find out you have not kept your PIN secure.

I give up

How??! The thief would have to know my pin

and I trust my sibs and children 100%

so how would a thief know my pin?

Hallelujah!!! 🤭

Not because you are right, just that I can't do any more explaining to someone who just doesn't get it.
(Love from an ex bank fraud dept worker)

I know I am right!

and sure you were 😉

You are saying that you trust your daughter with the PIN but not her partner. He’s hurt about that. The fact that he is new will compound that as he was probably trying to make a good impression. He’s embarrassed.
If he's a successful businessman he must have a thicker skin than this, surely?
And who the fuck would spend the rest of the week glaring and being curt, and avoid having a discussion?
He needs to grow the fuck up.
Your DD really should know better as well.

Their reaction is so weird it would make me suspicious.
The normal thing to do would be for DD to say " Sorry Mum, I wasn't really thinking, of course I shouldn't have given out your PIN and I won't do it again."
Exactly this. I can't think of a single person I know who wouldn't do something like this, instead of taking a massive huff.
Then again, I'm pretty sure no one I know would, if I entrusted my card/PIN to them, pass it on.

Imagine visiting your adult daughter who is hosting a party… and you have to pay for all the food, and she accepts you doing this, whilst her “successful business man” looks on (and indeed uses the card).

All very odd

The point is not ‘they’re my relatives and I trust them with my life’, the point is that the bank won’t cover anything if you go against the terms and conditions you signed up for.

If someone had some fraud on their account and the bank check the CCTV and find Martin Lewis or David Attenborough withdrawing a tenner, they will close the claim down. The customer can then say ‘but that’s my dad, I trust him’ and the bank would not care. They told the customer not to share the pin. They have zero interest how lovely your relatives are.

And I had attempted bank fraud without giving my pin or card to anyone, I had the card in my hand when the fraud department called me. That was one of the first questions they asked me, I remember saying ‘no, I have my card in my hand, I’ve never given it to anyone’.

so in your example… the dad defrauds his
Child ?

No. In my example child says ‘dad, here’s my card and pin, can you withdraw a tenner for me?’ and dad says ‘yes’. (Ignoring the fact Martin Lewis would say ‘no’ 😁)

Separately, there is fraud going on, someone uses your details to buy £400 worth of clothing 800 miles away. Bank don’t notice. Transaction goes ahead. You attempt to get £400 refunded. Bank says ‘you told us you were a 18 year old woman but we have footage of much older men accessing your bank account.’ Claim for refund rejected because you’ve given other people access to your account.

You: ‘but he’s my daaad! I trust him! He taught me how to use a spoon! He fixed my leaky shower! I luffs him!’

Bank: ‘we don’t care’.

Why would they be looking at cctv transactions of cash withdrawal of £10 that I said was my transaction

and not simply focussing on the multiple very large ones all Carried out online?

answer: they wouldn’t

when you contact a bank re a fraud claim they ask you to identify the fraudulent transactions

Transaction goes ahead. You attempt to get £400 refunded. Bank says ‘you told us you were a 18 year old woman but we have footage of much older men accessing your bank account.’ Claim for refund rejected because you’ve given other people access to your account.

but the £400 transaction that is fraudulent so why on earth would they be going through cctv footage of a transaction if had not reported as fraudulent?!

A PIN code should never be shared.

Op stated it was a new partner. She has nothing to apologise for. She has every right to feel upset about it. The new partner will have to earn trust and if the daughter and he feel upset , then so be it. Unfortunately there are people out there, who will have no problem emptying your bank account. The daughter should not be passing around her mum's card. Hopefully she immediately changed the Pin .