Was I unreasonable to object to my daughter sharing my PIN?

[LaSorbonne26]

Are my feelings unreasonable?
I've just returned from a week's holiday with extended family, near my daughter's home. Early in the week, she hosted a gathering, and I gave her my debit card to pay for the food which I often do, very happily.

At the party, I asked her for my card back as I have gone home without it in the past. She requested it from her new partner who pulled it out of his back pocket. I must have looked surprised so she explained that he'd picked up the food to help her out and she'd had to give him him my pin code to do so. I told her that this made me feel very uncomfortable but I'd discuss after the party. She said she would not talk about it and dismissed my concern.
All week, after that, her partner glared at me when we met and was very curt. I tried to discuss the issue but he told me he was extremely offended that I thought he'd run off with my money, and he walked away from further discussion. I hadn't thought that at all; he's a successful businessman, but I'm not sure why i feel so uncomfortable about the matter. I just feel my bank details are private information.
Neither of them are talking to me now. What should I do?

Nobody should be sharing their PIN with anyone! If you pay for things for family members ask them to transfer you the cash afterwards.

NRFT Are you refering to the OP? If so why should she? Her d has been a complete knob handing the card and PIN to her partner. They are acting like twats because they know they are in the wrong. Having said that OP shouldn't have shared her card nor PIN. Not the smartest thing to do and is common sense, banks are always warning customers against doing that.

Your DM will not be protected if she is victim to fraud.Stop this immediately and get her a new card and PIN and tell her never to share either. If she lacks capacity, look into getting a POA.

Your DD is being incredibly unreasonable.
The new partner can get fucked giving you dirty looks.
Given that you can check your bank balance if you put your card into a cash machine, he could have your bank card details, your pin and knowledge of how much money you have because of your daughter’s misplaced trust.
The only reason she felt comfortable to do this is entitlement unfortunately, you’ve given her your card freely, often enough that she now has some sense of claim over it to then hand it to somebody else.

They are defo in the wrong, never give them the card again! Change the number. They’re being very disrespectful of your generosity here. If you want to treat them in future just transfer some money across to their account.

🙄Hell would freeze over first. OP shouldn't have handed it over to her d and d shouldn't have given it to her new bf. How do D or OP know he wouldn't take money from the account ? The long card number can still be used online with out the card ffs.
Besides the fact how does anyone know he's a decent bloke, he's only been on the scene a short while. Nice blokes at first can turn out to be dodgy once they get their feet under the table.

My husband knows my PIN but I've been with him 35 years and he's not run off with the contents of my bank account nor told it to anyone else. And in these days of contactless payments we regularly give the other our card to nip to the chippy or whatever. There are a handful of people (eg very close friends, siblings etc) that I would similarly trust to give my card to to make a contactless payment in a pub or cafe or whatever.

But I would be FUMING if my husband (the only person with my PIN) passed this info to someone else, or someone else got hold of my card to make a contactless payment. Firstly for betraying my trust, but also because by giving them this info the bank would hold me responsible for giving the card and/or the PIN. Your daughter is wrong.

Your DD owes you an apology. And who cares if the new boyfriend is a bit miffed. Tough shit!

You should change your card number as you have breached the T’s and C’s of the product.

And the person using her mum’s card regularly, that is madness and puts your mum in a weak position if she is ever scammed or compromised. Get a POA if she needs help with life admin.

I’d let things cool down with your DD, then you can either not bring it up again or you can explain to her she had no right to share your financial information regardless of who it was to. I’d probably just leave it but never share the card with her again.

Your DD was way out of order. Change your PIN.

The bank would already hold you responsible for giving the card and PIN to your “trusted person” . There is no exemption! Why can’t people understand this?!

Have you checked your statement, OP? How much did he spend? Any other suspicious transactions?

Sharing your PIN is a really silly thing to do. It's supposed to be proof that a transaction is really you. Giving it to your daughter was the mistake - change ut asap and don't do that again. You can set up prepaid virtual cards on apps like Revolute that allow you to give a card to a friend or family member to pay for something on your behalf without giving them free rein on all your finances.

Your daughter was very irresponsible in not respecting the importance of the information you gave her but tbh if you had a proper respect for the importance of the information yourself you wouldn't have shared it with her. You can certainly say to the boyfriend that you meant no disrespect and certainly don't suspect him of dishonesty, but you were shocked that your dd would share such private data with anyone at all, no matter how honest.

I agree with this.
Why didn't DD give you the card back asap without having to be asked? If she had, she should have got it back from him as soon as he came back - and you'd be none the wiser BUT she shouldn't have given your card to anyone. Your trust was placed in her hands. Surely she should know by now you don't share such matters of your own let alone play devil's advocate with someone else's.
If he was such a successful businessman why didn't he pay for it?

They both know they were both in the wrong but some of the younger generation seemingly like to take offence and can't be held responsible for anything - so it falls to you to walk on eggshells.

Ask him for his PIN, I doubt he would want to share it.

OP, you obviously shouldn't give your PIN to your daughter! It's hypocritical to do this, then complain she gave it to her partner. Change your PIN, keep it private and then apologise to your family.

I'm not going to criticise you for handing over your card and PIN to a family member in the first place, I consider that a perfectly normal thing to do and regularly use my mum's or my dhs cards as and when it's useful to us. But I've been married to DH for 13 years and not a chance would I give him my mum's PIN and card without her express permission. To give it to a new boyfriend and then be surprised when you take issue with it is ridiculous. Clearly she can't be trusted, so change your PIN and don't share it with her again.

I wouldn't have said anything but I would have changed my pin. In some ways it's unfair to give someone your pin, if there was a fraud on your card you have made them look guilty.

The mind boggles really that people are freely sharing PINs with people. No, no, never!

Exactly!
when my dm was alive she wanted cash from the bank and would want me to tsk her card and pin and I always refused for this reason. I took cash from my account and she then paid me via Internet banking.

Maybe this answer depends on your set up it wouldn't bother me as i have hardly any money in my bank account and it pings through on my phone the second its used but if I had 100k sat in my account I would feel very very differently

There’s really no reason in 2026 to need to give someone your debit card, this whole situation was avoidable.

You should have just sent the money electronically. For the sake of keeping the peace I’d have not said anything, changed the PIN, and next time ask to send the money directly.

Dont give your card to anyone. Set up transfers to your dd account from phone appt it is usually instantaneous

If you give your PIN to anyone else, you lose control of it.

He’s got some balls being pissy with his new girlfriend’s mum when he has been accessing her bank account without her permission and eating food she paid for.

I don’t think I’d do anything other than check your account and change the pin.

When they get in contact, talk then when it’s cooled down.

But they are both very much in the wrong. Don't give your card to your daughter again, you can’t trust her with it.

They both sound immature. Maybe arrange one of those prepaid cards the next time. There's a small fee but you won't have to worry about their nonsense.