Having your children adopted

[altarego]

I know this is very taboo but on balance I think this may be best. I’ll try to explain as best I can.

I cannot cope with my children. Ordinary child behaviour panics me. I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed very, very quickly and feel short of breath and the blood rushes to my head and I feel furious. This is frightening for them, they see my face.

From time to time it tips over and I lose it with them. I scream and swear and say awful things about them.

Things are fast getting out of control and I don’t want that.

Have you had a lot of trauma in your life altarego? Have you ever heard of 'the window of tolerance?

If you haven't heard of it, we all have a window of tolerance in which we can generally cope quite well with day to day stresses etc, but sometimes after a lot of trauma or chronic stress the window gets very narrow, meaning that the slightest thing can set you into fight or flight mode.
Does that resonate with you?

Because the reaction is happening in the body, and not the mind it is very hard to 'think' your way out of it because it's the body that needs to be reset instead.

People can go into hypo-arousal or hyper-arousal or alternate.

Hypo-arousal would be where you get numb and spaced out and frozen and Hyper-arousal can make you anxious, angry, out of control etc,

It sounds like in your case you're going into hyper-arousal when dealing with your kids,* *here are some techniques here which can help to regulate your body in the moment, things like shaking your body, jumping up and down etc or even just sipping water through a straw.
https://lunaintegrativecare.com/blog/opening-the-window-of-stress-tolerance-techniques-for-self-regulation

If any of that resonates with you then therapists who do EMDR or sensorimotor psychotherapy can help.

You need medication for your depression OP. It’s as simple as that

This is utter bullshit, and it frustrates me people write this shit. From what she’s written her children may well benefit from being seperated as will she. Sometimes people cannot parent. They cause damage. The op it appears is one of them,

Hi @altarego we’re really glad you posted. You’ve done the right thing by saying this plainly, especially when you’re frightened by how quickly things are escalating. Please don’t try to manage this alone today. Tell another safe adult exactly what is happening and ask them to take over with the children, if that is possible.

Please contact your GP or urgent mental health support today:
Call NHS 111 and select the mental health option
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

Please also contact your local council’s children’s services or Early Help team and tell them that you need urgent support at home. You can find your council here:
https://www.gov.uk/find-local-council

For additional support:
Family Lives: 0808 800 2222
https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
Samaritans: Call 116 123 free, day or night
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258 for free, confidential, 24-hour text support
https://giveusashout.org/get-help/

Please arrange not to be alone with the children while you feel this close to losing control, wherever there is a safe alternative. If you are alone and feel things tipping over, call emergency help rather than trying to push through it.Your fellow posters can listen and support you here, but this needs help away from the thread today.

They’ll be far more damaged in the care system. Or worse, abused physically or sexually.

a bit of yelling or even a lot of yelling is not that bad and whereas not ideal is much better than care system or unknown family which can be much worse AND won’t be their real mom.

if you are thinking that would be better for them I can assure you that it won’t.

go to the GP and get some meds please

@altarego I admire you hugely. Despite how you feel, you obviously care about your children because you know that you're all struggling.

Please contact Social Services. Don't worry about what people are saying about how difficult it is, etc. Just phone them and say how you feel.

You need to contact SS and engage with them. I doubt you can simply give them up in a day - its a process. But if you show you can't cope they will be taken off you.

Poor kids though.

Edited - you do realise that your kids could end up in a situation much worse than what they are in now, right?

You will always get people on MN saying you can do this but in reality Social Work can only act when all other options have been completely exhausted and there really is no other option. Such cases involve extreme or very distressing circumstances. It's not helpful for any one to suggest that this can be done by parental choice. Social Work may signpost to parenting courses or suggest speaking to your children's school about clubs they may run. You have the right to ask Social Work to assess your needs but even if your need is deemed to be very high ( child with complex and severe disability ) they will want to give you a small budget to pay for local services - if you can find any. They will not be thinking about adoption ! I don't know why so many people think children be relinquished at any stage - too many Victorian era novels maybe...

OP -
listen to me -
I can see how desperate you are feeling
you are on your own with it all it
and you have been trying by doing parenting classes and all that
what area you live in and I’ll find the duty desk number for this weekend for your social services-
you can start by telling them you are at the end of your rope and can take it from there

OP, are your children safe?

A) She can’t just dump her children into adoption legally so there is no point in encouraging this line of thought. Its harmful to pursue it, frankly, as it delays her getting help.

B) Whether you look at this from her side or the children’s intervention and therapy are absolutely indicated and she can’t either seek it out or the children should be offered it by SS.

C) Having a depressed and irritable mother is extremely damaging to children. Ask any therapist! Her described behavior purs the children at a very high level on the ACE scale (Adverse Childhood Experiences).

Her thinking is quite unusual and extremely negative and black and white. We are all suggesting gently snd kindly that as the children’s current adult in charge she owes it to herself and them to get help.

It’s not parental choice this is extreme and distressing, can’t you read what she’s written, why on earth would you tell someone struggling so much, children at clear risk it’s not possible, what’s wrong with you.

op call social services, if it’s as bad as you say they will work for the best outcome and if that’s remove the children they will do that in the end,

No one said she could just dump her kids. Not one person.

if it’s a reading comprehension issue, ask.

You can't just have your children immediately adopted but this is what you can do.

1. Go to your GP, tell him that your are depressed and struggling with your children.
2. Ask for a referral to SS with a view towards having your children temporarily fostered while you work on your recovery.
3. Engage with social services
4. Prioritise your mental health and focus on counselling and medication.
5. Continue you visitation with your children.
6. As you being to recover you may feel differently
7. Only then does it become a choice.

At the moment you are atriggling with two issues. You must address your mental health as a priority for your sake and theirs.

You said they are preschool age.

So say between 2 and 4? These are notoriously hard ages.

Doing it alone makes it much harder as you never get a break.

When one of them starts school it will improve. Maybe not the first term as they will be tired and acting up is common then, but after that.

When both of them are at school things will be very different. Not just because they’re out of the house for longer but because they are older.

You need to hang in there. Do whatever it takes to make it more bearable for the next year or two and to avoid losing your rag - earplugs or headphones, CBD oil, anti depressants maybe. “Fake it till you make it” - cuddle them and smile at them even if you don’t feel like it. They will respond positively at this age. You need to get out of the vicious circle you’re in.

How long are they in nursery for per week? Can it be upped?

Ask to speak to safeguarding lead at nursery to talk through the options.

Speak to your health visitor

and gp.

You know that saying about putting on your own oxygen mask before you help anyone else - get yourself sorted out at the doctor with some anti-depressants. You'll feel a lot better very soon and they will pick up those vibes from you.

parenting small kids is hard, but you can’t just put them up for adoption. It’s just not feasible. They’d more likely be stuck in care which would be awful. They’re your responsibility and if you can’t cope you need to reach out for support x

Hang in there they won’t be small forever, it gets easier x

Keep talking to us on here if that's helpful.
How are you feeling at this moment?

I have read what what the OP wrote. How would it help her to tell her that her local Social Work Department will do more than what I have outlined ? She can certainly phone SW and take it from there. We are giving essentially the same advice but we differ in our views of what will happen next.

So why attack me for proposing the obvious interim steps like getting help to mitigate the damage she acknowledges she is doing to the children? And the damage she is experiencing feeling so angry and helpless i her role as sole parent.

I don’t know why you are picking on my comment as I haven’t said anything else than every responsible adult has said on this thread. We all think there are important first steps for OP to take to safeguard children and herself.

Speaking of bullshit: You are doing her no favours by encouraging the fantasy that the children deserve to be separated from each other because they are somehow bad or arguing or even hit each other. These are very young children! Their behavior is totally age appropriate! She can’t manage them but she clearly is in crisis.

Separation from each other and their orimary parent is not a good solution! No study shows that preschool or primary age children are better off separated from their siblings or in foster care. The UK, specifically, has tons of data going back to the goddamn Blitz studying the effects of family separation, abandonment, and foster care on children. Look at the wirk of Ainslee, Bowlby, and Winnicott. You are completely wrong in your supposed support for OP’s fantasy.

Do they have a nursery place continuing as normal over the summer? An option if you felt comfortable would be to talk to the safeguarding lead at the nursery, they can trigger the help for you. Is it a local authority nursery? They can help be really helpful if they’re already involved in any behaviour issues with your children at the nursery? If they are both pre school age, you can have access to a health visitor, which will be done via your GP, or an appointment with a nurse at your GP practice.