Having your children adopted

[altarego]

I know this is very taboo but on balance I think this may be best. I’ll try to explain as best I can.

I cannot cope with my children. Ordinary child behaviour panics me. I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed very, very quickly and feel short of breath and the blood rushes to my head and I feel furious. This is frightening for them, they see my face.

From time to time it tips over and I lose it with them. I scream and swear and say awful things about them.

Things are fast getting out of control and I don’t want that.

Where is the father?

Please dont do this. I was you in the early 90s. I had 3 small children age 3,2 and 3 months. I had to kick their father out because he was abusive and a heavy drinker. He left me with nothing. I had to ring Socail services to ask for some formula milk for the baby. A nice man brought some and asked if I thought the 2 older ones would benefit from nursery places. I agreed and got 5 mornings a week nursery. It changed my life, I was happier and so were the children. So my advice is talk to SS and tell them you are at the end of your tether and need some help

I think I was born too late. I read posts like this and wish we still had proper local communities. Then, maybe if someone was struggling a few of us equivalent MNetters of that time could have a confab, descend on said Mum and give her a hand and a break, get our kids all playing and keep an eye. We all need a village and parenting alone, when depressed, guilty, feeling like a failure must be the worst. Know we have online but it really isn’t the same.

OP I was a single parent for a time too, there are days it takes you to the edge of yourself. If you had a magic wand 🪄 how would you like things to be? Trying to ascertain if you really want to give up the children or if you needing support and a rest.

Also they would have to track him down if possible and get him to agree to the adoption. As PP have said though, there is no way they will remove the children.

@altarego there is information on the Childline website about the adoption process.

Also, I think your first port of call would be the children’s services department of your local authority/council & they should be able to help answer your questions, or at the very least, be able to point you in the right direction.

As far as I understand it, social services would always be involved, as part of this process.

It may be that after talking it through with some of these organisations, you find out that what you actually need is better support which they can provide, or help you source.

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this OP. It must be very hard not to have help. I hope you are able to get support from your local services.

You're going to have to get SS intervention, you can't just drop them off somewhere.

You need antidepressants and anxiety medication, you need to speak to social services and get support in place and parenting classes. If you do or don't work, check on entitled to website and see if you can get financial help for childcare. Even if you dont work, you can often get a place for them in nursery and referred by a social worker, from 2 years on. Claim child maintenance if you aren't already.

It feels difficult but if you can get the correct medication for depression and anxiety, it really will help. And the age they are now is one of the most difficult.

Have you considered if you are neuro diverse? How old are you? I'm 44 my kids are 5 and 8. The last few years I have struggled with managing my emotions, I get very overwhelmed with noise and whining and constant pulling and tugging. I also am perimenopausal and have started hrT. That has helped with my sleep and emotional regulation. I also suspect I have ADHD. I am very sensitive to noise and I get overwhelmed quickly , this seems to have got a lot worse since my kids were born. I don't know what I would do if I was a single parent honestly. Admitting you're struggling is the first step and then talk to your health visitor and GP. If there's something else at play such as hormone imbalance that can be treated or neuro diversity meds can be helpful. Sending you a big hug. Being a parent is very hard.

I would prefer not to. But it looks as though I don’t really have a choice (I do understand this.)

Thanks @TeenToTwenties . Useful getting an insight from the other side.

@somanychristmaslights i wasn’t trying to be dismissive. Just replying honestly saying that it doesn’t look as though adoption is an option and so we are sort of stuck with the situation as it is. That’s isn’t intended to be dismissive and I am very sorry if that’s how it came over.

I feel things have gone beyond Homestart etc, I have no bond with them, if I’m honest I would say I don’t like them very much and they definitely feel the same. We are just permanently at loggerheads I suppose is how you might put it.

dh was adopted as a small child as dm couldn't cope. I would say it may be the best course of action, but shouldn't be your first. You're post about them being young, so hopefully it will be easier for them. I will say that a lot of trauma can still happen despite the young age (but that can sometimes be the better alternative). Go to a dr (a different one) have everything written down so you dont get flustered and tell them you are struggling and the rage emotions, as adoption or no adoption, you deserve to feel mentally stable and there is help available for that (it can just be a pain in the arse for drs to take womens mental health serious). You should also contact your local social services and local authority adoption team, and just really explain how much you are struggling

I do think it’s possible @Higgeldypiggeldy35 but then the other things other parents with autism / ADHD do to help them have made no difference to me - I had very high hopes for Loop earplugs but nope!

Please don't say this. It's patently not true in many cases. The care system is no ones first choice but there are many worse things that can happen to a child than going into care.
OP how about contacting social services and telling them what you have told us? See where it goes from there.

Please seek professional help OP. MN is not the place for you I’m afraid but I sincerely hope that you get the support you need and you and your children are safe 💐

Are they in nursery? Have you looked at parenting classes? Are you still under health visitor? You need to contact someone be it health visitor, GP or social services. You may get referred to organisations who may give you support.

No you are not stuck with them until they are 18.

The first step to getting them taken away from you is, as many others have said, to contact social services (child services at your local council).
You will have to fight hard to get them taken though, because there is no money in the system and keeping children in care pending adoption costs a lot.
So the social workers will do everything they can to persuade you to keep them. But if you really don't want them and the social workers eventually see that, they will be taken away from you in the end.

Not saying I think that is the best thing for you or them. But contacting social services (and your GP) has to be your first step.

Wow. Poor kids.

@altarego adoption can be an option, but it isn’t as simple as asking for it to happen. You will have to deal with SS. They will want to assess what support you might benefit from.

Pragmatically, they want to know that you won’t want them back 18 months later when your hormones settle down, and that the DC will be better off elsewhere.

Do you have any diagnoses? Neurodiversity, mental health?

You probably need to see the GP and go in saying very bluntly that you are not coping as a parent and are trying to explore adoption. That you are struggling with managing your anger and are afraid you will hurt the dc. Those phrases will trigger the GP to pay attention.

Health Visitor is also a good place to kick start this. Using the same wording above, that you are not coping, having rages, etc.

They are in nursery, I have done online parenting classes but it was not helpful.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, OP.

If your MP has a decent surgery/constituent office, they can be absolutely ace at helping people access services and help. I work with some organisations and our local MP's office is brilliant at that kind of thing.

I also agree with a PP about Home-Start. It's a brilliant organisation and their volunteers and staff can be a perfect answer for parents struggling to cope.

It's actually not like you can do that sorry to say. Social would want early help, support, foster care first etc. If you drop them at a police/fire/social services building and don't take them back you'd be criminally charged. Goes on your record and effects your future job prospects. Can't ever work with kids/elderley/vulnerable people again.
There are a massive shortage of foster carers. Reality is your kids would be split up and bounced around emergency placements for a while. Adoption would take a minimum of 12 months. And is unlikely if any of your kids is over 2. Most likely long term foster care. Quickest route would be to say you're scared of harming them and are not safe, but they'd want you committed in hospital for that to fly. Then even if you say no they'll find your family and offer kids to each of them even without your consent. They will then discover who the bio dad is and then offer kids to him/them and all their family. They will offer them money to take the kids short term sometimes so sometimes people will do it for the wrong reasons.
2 months down the line you're feeling better. But a 2nd cousin twice removed of the bio dad who you've never met wants legal guardianship of them. It's granted and she never let's you speak to them again until they're 16 and it's their own doing. Maybe they don't want to.
I'm a foster carer..adoptive parent and have guardianship of a distant relatives child.
It's just never that simple.
Get help for yourself.

If I felt the way you are saying you do right now i’d be ringing 111 or a mental health service urgently, you say you have no help, don’t like your children ect.. you need to seek some help now, it isn’t fair to them. Are they safe with you?

You can google your local council and duty social worker number. Such as - Glasgow duty social worker phone number. Then call and speak to someone today about how you feel.

You need sertraline my love!
Everyone feels like thst sometimes, but if you are feeling like that all or most of the time yu need help.
Do an EConsult first thing on Monday morning and be very definite thst youare st breaking point and need medicstion

Does their father not see them at all?

You need parent coaching/ support so you learn to manage your emotions and take control of situations.

Have you family around to help?

Adoption is the not the answer. The solution lies with you getting support so you can cope better.

See your GP and explain how you are feeling.