Having your children adopted

[altarego]

I know this is very taboo but on balance I think this may be best. I’ll try to explain as best I can.

I cannot cope with my children. Ordinary child behaviour panics me. I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed very, very quickly and feel short of breath and the blood rushes to my head and I feel furious. This is frightening for them, they see my face.

From time to time it tips over and I lose it with them. I scream and swear and say awful things about them.

Things are fast getting out of control and I don’t want that.

Young - preschool. That’s why I want to do it now, because it will hopefully be easier for them and be more people wanting to adopt them.

My point is that it’s not as simple as just waking up one day and saying you want to give up DC. It sounds like OP is having panic attacks, if she got a diagnosis it may be that there are more options on the table.

What?

If you truly have exhausted all options and simply can’t do it / don’t want to please do ring SS and report it, do it as discreetly as possible so the poor kids don’t hear

OP sorry you are struggling. It’s good that you care about your children but hard when it feels overwhelming.

Adoption is a complex topic and it has its own board where you may get more nuanced replies. It’s very hard to relinquish your children both emotionally and practically. It’s impossible to do it without upset and different stages before the adoption. The father/their families would be approached first. Your children could be in care for a long time before adoption.

You are interested in your children’s feelings and your own emotions so SS is the first place to start.

take care

I don’t think you can just give your kids away, SS will always try and keep families together where possible.

Also you say theres no father but does he have no relatives who would take the children on? If it were me I would take on my grandchild before watching them go into care in a heart beat.
is there literally any other family around?

OP, you sound overwhelmed. Have you seen your doctor? When I felt overwhelmed when my children were very young I was given anti-depressants and they were amazing. It meant I could change my behaviour, which meant they did too. Your children deserve a huge amount of effort here. Make an appointment for tomorrow at the doctor's - stress the importance to the receptionist.

True. I don’t think any of the responses are nasty, yet anyway, which is why I said ‘what.’

So to answer some questions, I haven’t seen my GP about the children because I do actually keep trying to do better and be better but I fail miserably. I just get so worked up and overwhelmed by them, by their sheer presence that it’s like I lose all sense of perspective and self. Like now, typing rationally and calmly is one thing it in the moment I panic.

They aren’t ‘easy’ children (although I accept that’s my fault) and don’t really do as they are told and hit, etc.

So today has been horrible for them and me and we’ve all been in tears so many times. I have to admit this just isn’t working and it’s true SS won’t just take them but I guess my point is, is, what do you do if you know you’re doing a bad job and damaging them … what then, I don’t know.

You must be really struggling to be considering this, and I notice in your OP you are talking about the negative effects on your children of your behaviour and the way you are feeling. It sounds like you think they would be better off with others and that you don't want to cause them harm. This shows you love them and are thinking of their wellbeing.
As Pps have said, you would need to engage with SS to talk about your children being taken into care (which is what would happen prior to adoption). You might find SS stressful as well. Would you consider speaking to your GP about the panic and anger, to see if you could try e.g. a beta blocker to help with this, as an interim measure? Even just to help you stay calm during the process you want to go through?

Your first step is to contact your local council's children's services department.

No, my parents are dead. I have a sister but she has learning difficulties and obviously isn’t suitable.

@altarego

Im sorry you are feeling like this.
From a purely practical and process point of view its not that easy to put yout children into care. And it can't be done without social services involvement. Care is a last resort and won't be dobe until support and other options are looked at.
You haven't said how old they are or how many. You should be aware that older children, ie over the age of 5 are difficult to find adopters for so your children may end up in foster care. They may also be separated.
You sound overwhelmed, it would be much better if you reached out for support

I know someone who was having suicidal thoughts and was so anxious they were convinced that was the answer, they were so unhappy. They're now on anti anxiety medication and it's changed their lives.

You're down the bottom of a big hole and you have my sympathies, when I was at my worst struggling with parenting, depression and a very unhelpful ex I had some awful thoughts and was scared of my own temper for myself and my children. I feel sad looking back that things got that bad, good for you for acknowledging you have a problem.

Presumably you still love them as you want what's best for them. The best for most children is their mother. If they go into care I believe it's less likely they'll be adopted if they're older children and quite possibly separated from each other.

Do you have any family you can talk to? You really do have my empathy, I used to cross the days off the calendar and that was the highlight of the day. Another day we made through. Can any part of you imagine moving forward and coping, therapy and medication and respite would surely be worth a try, don't you owe that to yourself and your children before giving up on them.

I can try the GP. I did go once before but they were so dismissive it didn’t really make me feel like pursuing it, so I didn’t bother going back.

They aren't puppies you can abandon to the system. You need to prioritise getting yourself help or support
Start with your gp.

Sorry you are struggling so much.

Are these feelings recent or have you felt exactly the same for a long time?

I think you need to contact SS asap, explain your feelings and your situation and they can start the process for you.

I would imagine they’ll do some kind of assessment of you and your children initially to find all the facts. It might be that the children can go to foster care initially whilst you seek help for yourself? But if this isn’t an option they’d ultimately progress to adoption if it was in the children’s best interests and safety.

I don’t want to sound patronising but I expect most parents would say they’ve got angry at various times, parenting is bloody tough, especially if you’re doing it solo. Of course there’s a limit as to what is normal and what is not a healthy environment for children to grow up in.

please do contact SS and let them help you make the best decision. Good luck.

@Ted27 thank you. it would be much, much better if they were separated; they are awful together.

I know I’m very depressed but it’s directly linked to parenting so that’s the problem, I kind of have to parent!

Speak to your GP or call social services. They can help you. It sounds like you need support.

This is horrendous OP 😢

You have to contact social services , whether you want support or not. They are the route to adoption.

But in all honesty they are going to make sure you have tried absolutely everything first , including getting your own mental health needs met. So you need to start there really. Ask for a meeting with your GP AND Children’s services. Then tell them how you really feel.

How old are your children?
Do you have any help at all from family or friends?
Looking after children when you are feeling the way you do right now is so hard. Are these feelings new or have they been going on since your last child was born?

Although a GP can of course help you that won’t be today. If at any point you feel you are getting to the point that you are out of control - put the children in a safe place and then shut yourself in a different room and call ANYONE. 999, 111, social services a friend a family member.
Right now you are reaching out for some support/advice on how to relinquish your children - it isn’t something that can be arranged in one day so ask for support today - call social services. A duty social worker can talk to you and maybe get you some help today.

Bless you.. they are very young, it's so hard when they're little especially if you're a single mum and don't have family support. Remember they grow up and things get easier then.

I think the fact that you are considering this because you believe it’s best for your children says a lot about your character OP and you deserve credit for that.

In terms of steps, you do need to contact your GP and you do need to contact social services to get any types of balls rolling. Do this sooner rather than later as your current frame of mind isn’t good for you or the children.
wishing you well OP.

Are they twins Op?
I agree with other posters you need to seek help urgently for this, the tone of your posts are incredibly sad and worrying