Having your children adopted

[altarego]

I know this is very taboo but on balance I think this may be best. I’ll try to explain as best I can.

I cannot cope with my children. Ordinary child behaviour panics me. I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed very, very quickly and feel short of breath and the blood rushes to my head and I feel furious. This is frightening for them, they see my face.

From time to time it tips over and I lose it with them. I scream and swear and say awful things about them.

Things are fast getting out of control and I don’t want that.

Separate the issues
-your mh and need for coping strategies as I suspect it is not only an issue with your dc but affects other aspects of your life
-need for a break from your dc, perhaps holiday clubs or foster care to start with, adoption is rarely quick and can be quite damaging for those involved

if your dc are still young perhaps start with hv, if older Gp, school safeguarding/welfare officer or ss.

Oh FGS- meds are not the answer.
OP needs help with parenting techniques.
Not dampening her emotions.

Have you felt like this since they were born?

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk
try these two organisations which are there to help with parenting
or https://www.home-start.org.uk/

Did you not read the part about how she can't control her emotions and screams and shouts at them because she's so overwhelmed easily. She absolutely could be doing with meds.

They can't be adopted without passing through socail services so I would start by phoning then asap. They always have a duty SW on the end of the phone. But it won't be a fast reply.

You also can't give up children without invoking some kind of child protection case. If you really think this is in the kids best interest them I'm really sorry you are struggling so much. But I think that's the only path.

I think there's a presumption that the bar is low and SS rush to take kids, but the have a shocking high bar. But that's not to say it's not possible. It clearly is

OP, I am really sorry to hear this. I think you need support. Start with GP for how you are feeling and health visitor if kids are preschool. Be as open with both about how you feel. I suspect everyone is right that adoption isn't a quick or straightforward option and being with a parent who isn't coping is considered a much better outcome than going into care, which is what would happen, at least in the short term. There is no guarantee of adoption or the kids staying together if you did relinquish parental control.

Do you have any childcare in place currently? It is possible that this could be extended if not full time already? I think everyone's first approach will be to try to provide you with support to improve this situation. If you can, try to engage with this, I think you'll be doing everyone a favour. You sound at the end of your tether with limited coping strategies currently. Do you have anyone who might intercede to help out? Family, friends etc?

If you feel you won’t get help from
GP go direct to children’s services.

You need a social worker to help you
manage your way through this and that will include looking at your MH, parenting courses etc.

You obviously are a great deal about your children and right now feel someone else would raise them better.

You may still feel that way in 6/12 months or support may change that.

Im so sorry you feel overwhelmed. I hope you get some useful support

That's obviously not always the case so your comment isn't helpful. Plenty of children are worse off with their parents than in care hence the care system exists.

Call social services if you repeat yourself often enough they might remove them is the father on the birth certificate? Him or his family might take them

@ChaiLou This is not a helpful comment. Meds can be very helpful for depression and anxiety. OP said she feels depressed and she is clearly not experiencing a normal emotional response. She may be suffering from PND that has gone untreated - it can start up to a year after the birth.

Thanks for sharing this. Everyone needs some help sometimes. I am really glad your experience was so positive and think it's really brave and helpful to share this.

Please try again, ideally seeing a different doctor next time. Be completely open with them about what is going on.

Also please consider contacting social services. They may be able to help out with respite care or something similar.

OP, please don’t write things off as being ‘beyond Homestart’. They work with some very at risk children and families, plenty of whom have social services involvement. They could be part of the solution for you.

EXACTLY THIS! This is really really serious and you need immediate intervention. Please call either 111 or your local out of hours social services team and explain exactly what you have in this thread. Your children need to be safe and loved and I say this with no judgement but it doesn’t sound like you are able to provide that for them at the moment. Sending care, please call someone today.

Would it help you if you just shared some of your thoughts on here and maybe people can help?
Are the children safe at the moment?.

Pre-school children should still be under HV - if GP was unhelpful try your HV and be very clear what the problems are and how you feel.

Also try Home start

You will have to talk to SS - as they won't just adopt the DC they will want to work and support you first.

I’d start by referring myself to Early Help which is under the umbrella of Children’s services. Depending on where you live there may be different names.
this link on young minds explains a little more about it all. I suspect you could ask
GP
or health visitor or nursery to refer you.
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/early-help-and-early-intervention-services/#:~:text=This%20might%20be%20suggested%20by,directly%20to%20your%20local%20authority.

Don’t give up. Go to the doctor and tell them that you want to relinquish your children. Tell the GP that you believe they are at risk because you’re not coping.
Ask for emergency intervention from social services. Exaggerate the situation if you need to. You need support urgently.
it’s awful that you’re so alone with this.

I fIf they children are at nursury - can you make an appointment with staff there so they can refer you on for help?

This is true at the moment, there are scant numbers of adopters and its a struggle finding adopters for small babies who have no specific needs

Yours are pre school and you say their behaviour is difficult.

There is no guarantee they would be placed together

If in care there is no guarantee they would be placed together, its also impossible at the moment to get foster carers even for the youngest most compliant placid children.

Please try these helpful links.
You won't be judged, people will want to help you

I'm sorry things are so hard.

Whether you are looking for help or looking for your children to be taken into care the Local Authority/Social services have to be involved.

Refer yourself to social services and ask for whatever support they can give. Respite care? Parenting classes? Therapy for your feelings if abandonment/grief/neglect/overwhelm.? You need everything.

Its technically quite difficult to relinquish your children to the state and despite what you think they will not benefit from being separated. You probably had very inadequate and neglectfuparenting yourself. Perhaps your sister sucked up what was available. Toddlers snd young children can (and should!) be persistent and test limits. That is how they get their needs met and survive. You experience this as intrusive, upsetting, bad behavior, whatever. You need a lot of support and parenting classes to learn to reparent yourself and them.

Op. Call social services, of course you can put your children up for adoption. They of course need to ensure this is the right decision and there is no other option, which it appears there is not, and I assume they will come to that conclusion quickly. As the children are at risk. Maybe not physically although I’m not sure, but mentally,

so just pick up the phone, when they are not there and tell them what you’ve told us, as they are nursery age, hopefully they will find a new family who will love them, they won’t remember their start in life, and you can go on with your life.