Having your children adopted

[altarego]

I know this is very taboo but on balance I think this may be best. I’ll try to explain as best I can.

I cannot cope with my children. Ordinary child behaviour panics me. I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed very, very quickly and feel short of breath and the blood rushes to my head and I feel furious. This is frightening for them, they see my face.

From time to time it tips over and I lose it with them. I scream and swear and say awful things about them.

Things are fast getting out of control and I don’t want that.

I can hardly believe what I'm reading.

I really hope you get the help you need OP because your dc deserve better.

Go to the GP, and keep going until you get help. And try harder each day to be a decent parent.

I hear you when you say you don't want SS help but if you do want to go down the road of having them taken into care then you will need to engage with them. So GP is the first stop for this really and ask to see the Health visitor in our DCs are young. There are also a load of support groups like Gingerbread for single parents who will be able to offer you advice and support with how you are feeling and what you can do.

The worry is that if you don't change something, or try to engage with a group or someone, then nothing will change. Really consider if you want to be stuck like this (obviously you don't) do you are going to have to be proactive in finding a solution for all of you. I haven't RTFT so not sure if anyone has mentioned school support, though I know it's school hols now.

Social services can send you on a parenting course to help give you tips and techniques. I think that’s the next step

Parenting isn’t inherently depressing. Have you been feeling like this since the birth? Go back to the GP and get antidepressants. You can also self refer for talking therapy online.

Does the father have any parents/siblings, even if he himself isn’t in the picture?

Your children are unlikely to be adopted initially, possibly ever and will spend at least half of their current lives in care. Don’t delude yourself that they will move to a loving home and it will be happily ever after for them.

You don't just click your fingers and they're gone, there will be a process. I'd suggest SS would be your first port of call.

I'm so sorry to hear your problem OP. Can you try Samaritans? They have a safeguarding policy and may be able to navigate you to the correct people regarding the children. Whether that is SS or a charity like NSPCC that might be able to arrange respite or foster so you can keep in contact with the children until you feel strong again.
If you have made your mind up then please make it a smooth as you possibly can for yourself snd the kids. I wish you well in your endeavours.

Do you love your children? Genuine question.

It looks like things will just have to carry on as they are then.

Thanks for your replies, I am feeling desperate and considering what options I have. It looks like adoption isn’t an option, I’m stuck with them until they are 18 then.

Do you feel this is the last resort or would you be willing to try and keep your family unit together?

So you don't want us to offer options of support. What would you like from the thread do you need a how to? Are you after people who have done it to tell you what its like? Are you wanting to speak to adopted adults hear their experiences.

You need to access help, your children don’t deserve this.

@altarego you must be feeling so desperate and alone.
Please go back to the GP and explain clearly how you feel. You say you're not interested in support, but you will need support for your mental health, whatever happens with this.
How long has this feeling been developing?

You need to go to the doctor's, if they won't listen see a different doctor, you need to tell them how you're feeling, that you can't cope and need help. Your brain is chemically imbalanced, you can feel better than this, it doesn't need to stay this way. You can be calmer and happier. You don't have to stay feeling this way. You can get help and feel lighter, happier and able to cope. Can you see rationally that how you're feeling isn't normal? Please go to the doctor's and demand to see someone who can help you. Wishing you healing.

Is the dad dead or were they donor conceived? Other wise you would need to contact the father if he has parental responsibility. He may not be a suitable parent but still needs to be contacted regarding this.
ss will always try to place with family. In this case they may look at the dad or the dad’s parents/siblings.

This mentality isn’t going to help you or your poor children, get help for yourself and atleast try!
if you can’t manage after help, give them the chance to be with people who will care for them, take the necessary steps to do so! There little humans they deserve a good shot at life they didn’t ask to be born.
get yourself some urgent mental health help for yourself and them

I am going to say what a brave woman you are for admitting this is just too hard for you and you're struggling. But not to seek some support tells me that you're done in. This is depression possibly talking and it's really sad.

Please carry on being brave and yes, go see your GP and grab any help you can and give it a while. It may just turn your life around, that's got to be worth a try hasn't it?

Go easy. Take a breath, look at your options with fresh eyes.

You will damage them even more by relinquishing them.
You need help. Immediately.

Have you tried the health visitor? I know they can be hit and miss. Looking after young kids alone is a hell of a challenge. I feel we don’t support single mums enough.

If you are looking at options then you need to reach out for support. SS aren’t just for when you want your kids to be adopted. They can offer support to families are struggling too.

And fwiw one of my children is really challenging on a regular basis. It can be really tough at times and it’s reduced me to tears on a couple of occasions. There’s no shame in reaching out for support.

Do you mean you're not interested in support from SS. Or generally? Would you consider other agencies? For instance Homestart?

I am the parent of an adopted child and it's not easy, she is terribly traumatised thanks to her birth family and we adopted her when she was very little.

The harsh response is that ultimately being a parent is about the children and adopting them out is not necessarily the right or easy way. Parenting is a life long commitment and if you abandon them you'll damage them and yourself permanently.

The kinder response is you clearly need help and you need to talk to your GP and social services. Parenting is so so hard. But it also offers a lot of joy, finding help will help

Well you don’t just need to carry on then. You’re being dismissive of people who are offering advice and that attitude is a bit childish.
if you want support on how to feel better within yourself, reach out to the GP.
if you want support on how to manage the children better with parenting and behavior, reach out to your areas children’s services. My area does lots of things for parents such as courses etc.
are the children in nursery? Could you enroll them using the free hours to give you a break?
reach out to social services for support also.
are you in contact at all with their father? Can to reach out to him?

there’s lots of options.

Hi OP, I'm an adopter.

What i think you should do is reach out to social services and tell them you are struggling, that you are considering asking for your children to go into care, and can they help some way please.

Often people don't ask for help because they are worried their children will be removed, but you sort of don't have that worry.

Care experienced children do have 'worse' outcomes than the 'average' child, but that is in good part because of the reasons that led to them going into care in the first place.

I don't know the right answer for you, but I do think that Social Services is the place to start. Also the doctor. SS don't want to take children into care - that's expensive so they won't precipitate that unless they feel there really is a need.

If your children are being traumatised at home then you and they need help.