AIBU to feel fed up with my sister’s behaviour during family visit?

[Aners]

Visiting my mum who lives quite a distance from me by car. Sister here visiting with her daughter too. I get to the house and park up in the driveway and they come out to greet me and mum says lovely car as we just got one, for context this is a new car we bought after 15 years of having our old one. Sister looks at it and says “is it a Skoda?” I tell her no it’s a Porsche Cayenne! It’s literally written porche Cayenne on the back and the front has the logo! She then responds “looks like a Skoda, I’ve never seen one this shape before usually they are smaller”. I tell her I’m not sure I don’t really know much about the different ones. We come in kids playing all good then she asks me how much is cost and I told her I’m not sure as DH purchased it. She said “probably around £30/40k” I know it cost much more but I didn’t want to get into it with her.

The kids (my 2 aged 10 and 8 and her DD aged 12) were playing hide and seek to which she shouted no her DD will hurt herself! I reminded her her DD is 12, which she responded “yes exactly, she’s only 12 not 22”. I wasn’t sure what to respond about this.

Kids carried on playing monopoly instead in the living room and I went in the kitchen and sister called me a “bitch” twice! Not in a fighting way but jokey way like “come on bitch let’s make tea” I told her politely please don’t use that word in front of my kids to which she continued again twice.

I walked away to sort clothes out and put our bags in my room and My mum looked upset and told me quietly not to start any fights! I told her I haven’t. As the youngest I always get blamed for everything. Mum then said I should know what she’s like and I should ignore her and be sensible. I’m really trying to get through these next few days just for my kids, please can you advise how I can? Also she is being a total cow isn’t she? I’ve been here for 3 hours and feel so fed up already.

Put your kids in the car and go
home and arrange to visit your Mum another time - you don’t need this.

Hiya, yes it is clear to me that she gets to say shitty things to you and you are not allowed to speak up otherwise you are the one causing problems.

FWIW my father had a Porsche 911 and told us that people said things like 'Ah you're doing well then, so we don't need to give you this business then do we??' and it cost him business.

People like to put people down who do too well, just so they don't have to feel bad.

Going forwards, how can you minimise contact with your sister?

Storm in a teacup. She sounds like a pain in the arse, but there’s nothing you can’t rise above.

I would have it out with her away from your mum and ask what her problem is. Then I would make a mental note to never stay there again when she is there.

It's too hot and to draining to have to put up with people like your sister. I would leave.
If you Mother knows what she is like why dud she invite her knowing she would try to goad you?

Sounds like you've reverted to your childhood sibling roles. Rise above it.

I would say: You are right Mum, I won't cause any issues as we are leaving.
Lovely to see you. Bye!

My mum keeps making passive aggressive comments like she just wanted a nice weekend with her kids but we making her life hard! I have literally not said anything back apart from asking her not to call me a bitch. She’s trying to wind me up with the car isn’t she?

she just made another comment as I’m typing this (told her I’m checking work emails) and she just said word for word - I always thought (DH Name) was stingy but how comes you got a porche? She also asked be to remind her what job he does. This is rude isn’t it? I always felt sorry for her when middle sister would fight with her and I defended her saying she doesn’t mean to. Middle sister coming over too and will be here in few hours. It’s just us 3 girls and I’m usually the buffer between them.

I genuinely used to think she doesn’t mean half of what she says and could be ND as she doesn’t see how her words come across. She’s also made a comment we are all going to the beach tomorrow in my car as she doesn’t want to get her car dirty! She drives a focus incase anyone wondering.

She’s very obviously jealous. I just would get on with it for your Mums sake but next time decline an invitation at the same time as your sister. Once I know someone is jealous it makes it easier for me to deal with, I would try and find some sympathy for her, it must be an awful way to live, pulling others’ down and also because it will make it easier for you.

It sounds like she knows what she's doing about the car-don't let that bother you. You could look puzzled and say why do you want to know the cost, are you thinking of buying one, or when she made the comment about the age of her daughter, say 12 is generally at the old end for hide and seek, not many 22 year olds play it. It seems like your mum knows she tries to wind you up, but pretty sad she's still doing it now.
I guess I'd be sad if my kids don't get on to the point they can't even visit me together, when they grow up, but unfortunately, recent posts on here as well as what I hear in real life make me think that very few siblings nowadays get on at all.
Just don't let her bother you. Ask you mum exactly what she thinks you should do about it?

I don’t really understand what the issue is with the car? A lot of people have no idea what car make is what, loads of cars look the same these days (many are the same as they use the same wheel base). My siblings and I discuss how much cars are, my brother recently bought one and I know how much it costs.

Yes, she should have taken it on board when you told her not to call you a jokey (possibly a bit rude, but depends on your relationship) term of endearment. Does she think you’re a bit uptight? It sounds like general sibling teasing to me.

Not sure what you’re pissed off about really…the car thing is irrelevant, some people are shit with cars. Worrying her 12 year old is going to hurt herself is fair enough isn’t it?

Calling you a bitch is a bit cringeworthy and tragic but I agree with your Mum, just let it go.

None of these are worth getting cross over. It’s just sibling crap.

Given your mum has asked you to be the peacekeeper when you’re not the aggressor, I’m going to assume she’s always behaved like this, and your mum enables it because she’s scared of her. She’s pissed off that you have an expensive car and is now trying to rage bait you into a row. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Take your kids home, and offer to visit your mum another time with the understanding that you will go when she isn’t there.

I know I shouldn’t let her get to me but is my car ugly? Please be honest!

She’s making me feel it’s horrible. DH did choose it and I was happy with it as wasn’t worried about it breaking down, it’s bringing back memories of my childhood!

Just leave?

I feel so sorry for your mum. How lovely that she has all her family around for the weekend. But it’s going to be ruined with jealousy and tit for tat bickering. You’ll both really regret it if you mess this weekend up! Your mom won’t be around forever.

@Aners, I would have taken the wind right out of her sails and said ‘actually you’re way out on the price, it cost closer to …….

And as for calling you a bitch - just say ‘yep, but I’m not your bitch so get over it’.

She sounds jealous. just rise
above it and don’t linger too long

You definitely don't have to stay there, you can go home whenever you want.

Regarding your sisters attitude, she's confident that you will play the peace maker, and feel like you need to explain yourself, which probably started when you were young. These family patterns can feel set in stone but you need to be a good role model to your own child.
How would you want her to react? She's learning from you and notices more than you realise.

You can leave early, and you can be polite and challenge her by asking simple questions.
"she's 12 not 22!"
"what do you mean?"
Do it in a neutral voice, genuinely interested in her thinking.
"it looks like a skoda!"
"we like it/it suits us" etc

From what you describe your other sister's arrival isn't going to help much. There was another thread yesterday from a woman who said when she was growing up her parents always blamed both their daughters when there were arguments but she was adamant it was usually her older sister's fault. Now her sister was trying to carry the dynamic on and refuse to accept her own daughter could be at fault. Sounded absolutely toxic.

Not all siblings are close, not all siblings get on. I'm sorry.

Your car isn’t ugly.

It’s not an ugly car, but if you are not a car person, it’s not what you expect when someone says “Porsche”. It’s looks a standard car (if that makes sense)

Not wanting her child to hurt themselves - maybe they are particularly clumsy, or maybe they are off on hols and want to avoid injury.

As for “bitch” it looks like a clumsy term of endearment…either ignore it, use it back, or tell her you don’t like it.

Oh come on; if there is anything going in there that merits a bit of fretting, it certainly isn’t whether or not your car is attractive.
It’s just a car; you are proud that it’s a Porsche, but it doesn’t mean others must be awed by it.
Don't bother about your sister’s remarks. If you are happy with your car, that’s all that matters, but either way it’s an irrelevant element.

I must say your dear old mother wants her head examined though, organising such a guaranteed-fractious get together. Maybe she’s being paid by Mike Leigh, or Sally Wainwright.

Just this. Visit your mum when DS isn't around and also tell your mum you won't be putting up with sis behaviour anymore. Your mum wants to keep the peace but she expects you to be the one to enable that, not your sis. You really don't need this.

She does sound like she’s trying to get a rise out of you so personally I’d try not to give her the satisfaction and just rise above it but only you know how much you can stand. She is being a bit of a cow but we can’t control other peoples behaviour, only how we respond to it. I’d play dumb over comments re the car, your DH etc.. and pretend you don’t know what she’s trying to do.

From your mums perspective, she sounds to me like she is just trying to keep the peace as she just wants her children/ grandchildren together for a while. I know my mum values those occasions as they’re rare in our family so perhaps it’s that rather than blaming you as such but again you know your mum and we don’t!

If it’s really that bad and you can’t manage not to let her get to you then make an excuse to leave early and visit your mum without her next time. Much less stressful! Life is too short for sibling rivalry!