AIBU to feel fed up with my sister’s behaviour during family visit?

[Aners]

Visiting my mum who lives quite a distance from me by car. Sister here visiting with her daughter too. I get to the house and park up in the driveway and they come out to greet me and mum says lovely car as we just got one, for context this is a new car we bought after 15 years of having our old one. Sister looks at it and says “is it a Skoda?” I tell her no it’s a Porsche Cayenne! It’s literally written porche Cayenne on the back and the front has the logo! She then responds “looks like a Skoda, I’ve never seen one this shape before usually they are smaller”. I tell her I’m not sure I don’t really know much about the different ones. We come in kids playing all good then she asks me how much is cost and I told her I’m not sure as DH purchased it. She said “probably around £30/40k” I know it cost much more but I didn’t want to get into it with her.

The kids (my 2 aged 10 and 8 and her DD aged 12) were playing hide and seek to which she shouted no her DD will hurt herself! I reminded her her DD is 12, which she responded “yes exactly, she’s only 12 not 22”. I wasn’t sure what to respond about this.

Kids carried on playing monopoly instead in the living room and I went in the kitchen and sister called me a “bitch” twice! Not in a fighting way but jokey way like “come on bitch let’s make tea” I told her politely please don’t use that word in front of my kids to which she continued again twice.

I walked away to sort clothes out and put our bags in my room and My mum looked upset and told me quietly not to start any fights! I told her I haven’t. As the youngest I always get blamed for everything. Mum then said I should know what she’s like and I should ignore her and be sensible. I’m really trying to get through these next few days just for my kids, please can you advise how I can? Also she is being a total cow isn’t she? I’ve been here for 3 hours and feel so fed up already.

Honestly OP, just smile and nod and try and find it funny as that will wind her up even more. If you appear the reasonable happy one then she'll just get herself in a tangle.

If I were you, I just wouldn't be able to resist winding her up by going , "no darling, it's not a Skoda, it's a Porsche. I can't believe you don't know what a Porsche is, have you never seen one before" or if she calls you "bitch" I'd probably treat her like a toddler and say "we don't use rude words or do name calling thank you" but I'm really petty like that.

If I had a Porsche no way would you all be going to the beach so I'd tell her you can go separately and she can muck up her own car but do it with a smile on your face.

Sorry OP, it's annoying but if it helps i love Porsches and will happily take yours off your hands if you don't want it 😆

Actually I like this, don't be petty like I've suggested 😂

@Aners Go home.
Nothing good will come of this visit.

As someone else pointed out, this is just a reversal to childhood roles. It will inevitably rankle. She is getting to you because she knows how to and you are reacting the way you are because that's what you do. You are asking us if what her intent is, whether she is being rude etc. She may be, but you are also highly sensitised to her so it is a combination of things. You'll have to break the pattern. It will take time, patience and boundaries. If you don't have that, make an excuse and leave!

Your sister is insanely jealous. You must see that?

I really couldn’t be bothered with all this. Can’t you just go home and relax?

I'd be saying to Mum that I hope she's going to be saying something similar to sister, given she's the one that is speaking inappropriately around the kids, and clearly trying to stir something up.

Obviously though, your sister's role is to dish it out, and your role is to take it. Newsflash - you don't have to. And if you decline to do so, for instance, by saying, 'you know what, life's too short, and it's too hot to sit around for this bullshit, I think me and mine are going to call it, and leave'', that doesn't mean that you've ruined the holiday, and your Mum's clearly unrealistic expectations of a family get together. It means your sister, once again, has, and so has your mother, by not pulling up the one actually causing problems, and once again expecting you to shut up and take whatever sister dishes out. Again.

If this is a regular pattern I would and have stopped going there.

It sucks but you can’t have her speaking to you like that in front of your kids. If your mum is allowing her to behave that way in her house, she’s equally to blame.

Look up golden child and triangulation. It explained a lot to me.

Sorry that happened. It’s shit.

Btw, sister is very obviously a jealous twat. I have a similar sibling. They can’t be happy for you - it’s all a competition you don’t know you’re part of. As you’ve seen though, ultimately they end up the one who is as miserable as hell.

@Aners text your DH - get him to phone you in a panic 😉

There's water coming thru the ceiling, or NDNs hamster is trapped under your floor, or he's got food poisoning and can't find a bucket, or any other really crappy reason...Anything is better than sticking around and being bullied by your sister.

And in your shoes, if she'd called me a bitch in front of young kids, there's no way she'd have a functional mouth for half an hour afterwards - she'd need ice and it would smart a bit.

Maybe your mum just heard don’t call me that and assumed it was you starting arguments? Or maybe you sounded more argumentative than you thought saying it’s not a Skoda and telling your sister they were just playing? I’d say ride it out and get out asap!!!

I would pull her up every time she is nasty and would not visit your mother again if she is going to have your sister at the same time. Make it clear to both your mother and sister that them bullying you is not acceptable. I would go home if it continues.

You have a beautiful car that must be great fun to drive too! Your sis is obviously seething with jealousy and is struggling to contain herself. She’s pathetic.

Just lamp her. She’ll soon shut up then.

Your car isn't ugly but it does look like many other SUVs and Skoda does have some really nice similar models. I think you associate Skoda with crap and cheap which has rubbed you the wrong way because WE HAVE A PORSCHE!!. The other stuff doesn't seem that significant but because you're on the defensive already it seems bigger than it is. Chilli out ,let it wash over you. Come down in the morning with a casual S'up bitches.

I actually don’t see what she is supposed to have done wrong. Is the point that you think she knew it was a Porsche and said Skoda to insult you? I mean she could have done but equally maybe she just didn’t know - Skoda do similar SUV type vehicles. Equally I wouldn’t assume that saying the car cost £40k was an insult.

worrying about her 12 year old hurting herself was quite unlikely to be an insult even if she was being a bit wet.

Calling you a bitch - I mean I wouldn’t like this either but if it wasn’t meant as an insult why take it as one?

Maybe try a premier Inn or Travelodge? Its for a few nights only though ,so maybe worth sticking it out for Mums sake if u can.Sounds like shes jealous to me .

My MIL used to be like that with us, before we decided to not put ourselves through it anymore, any extravagant purchase, and we’re doing ok, we’re not rich, it was constant passive aggressive comments. Bitching about us behind our backs to siblings. And trust me it was not Porche extravagant! I think I’d take pleasure in saying ‘oh you know Bob, he likes nice things and we can afford it so why not - oh and it was 70k’ 🙃

People like that will be jealous and bitter about anything you do. Just negative for the sake of it. If you want to stick it out just play ignore her and know that the reason she’s like this has nothing to do with anything you’ve done

You’re too worried about what anyone thinks about your life choices and that is probably what’s causing some of the tension.

Just stop caring what car you have and what car she has. If you aren’t worried about the status of it no one will judge you.

Next time she brings up the car just shrug and say “ask DH - he brought it. now what are we doing for dinner this evening” (or weather or tv programmes and anything else mundane so show her the car conversations so mundane that the weather is more interesting!)

Just leave and arrange to visit your mum another time. It might be best avoiding her in future though not fair on the kids. Jealousy is an ugly trait. People like that like to nitpick scrutinise everything little thing and get into arguments about nothing.

She's definitely trying to get a rise out of you, has she always been like this? It sounds as if she's jealous of you.

You can't control how she feels so try to give bright and breezy responses, don't rise to her jibes. Her behaviour is childish for a grown woman and I feel sorry for her DD if her Mum fusses about playing hide-and-seek, talk about a helicopter parent!

Are you really having a bit of a humble-brag about your car? I'd struggle to give a shit whether it was a Porsche or a Fiat Panda and who cares what it cost?
This is all about the car isn't it?
FWIW the Porsche Cayenne is a bit fugly and certainly doesn't look like it warrants the purchase price.

I'd go home. Can someone explain why they are playing hide and seek I thought that is more for 3 year olds.

She's jealous of you. Go home. Invite your mum to yours.

Definitely case of the green eyed monster here . How long are you supposed to be staying? I'd be tempted to cut this one short

I wouldn't be offended about the car comment it's just a car and I don't see why anyone would be offended by someone telling them their car was ugly or if they mistook a Porsche for a Skoda why does it matter?
Calling you bitch was annoying but is it just the way she is ? As you say she wasn't being aggressive with you.
I feel more sorry for your mum who just wants a nice time with her daughters
Is it a special occasion for your mum as all three of you are meeting at her house? If so can you just bite your tongue and get on with it for your mum's sake?