They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Wow they are awful people and frankly I wouldn't be inviting them to the wedding!

How bloody rude. I wouldnt bother with her again if I was you. Can you get a refund?
My Dil used to do this, critique every gift so I dont buy gifts for her any more.

Did you like the purse ?

thank you for your responses I had it in my head that I was unreasonable because I bought a gift that was obviously innappropriate and I should have known better

Obviously their reaction is horrifically rude but why on earth did you:

Spend £1k on a wedding gift

Buy a purse as a wedding gift! Shouldn’t it be something for them as a couple?

Include a gift receipt so they could exchange if not to their taste - I wouldn’t have the faintest idea what kind of purse my sister in law would like.

If I wasn’t well off I’d be a bit confused if someone bought me an expensive designer purse rather than something for my house I actually needed! I’d be embarrassed at my in laws spending £1k on me full stop to be honest as I’d never be able to spend that in return.

It was a bold choice as a gift but they’re both awful. Your husband needs to have a word with his brother about how ungrateful he’s being. You got it wrong but you were well intentioned. They’re being wildly rude.

It’s a very weird gift for a wedding present. Surely gifts should be to the couple, not just one of them. Bags are so personal, I wouldn’t buy one for my best friend, let alone someone I hadn’t met and don’t really know. I’m not sure of your family dynamic, but my siblings would definitely say something like ‘what were you thinking?’ If I bought their partner something like that.

just try and forget about it and resell the bag if you don’t like it.

It makes no sense that somebody who was so 'anxious about being accepted by the family' should introduce herself by blatantly insulting members of it.

That’s a strange way for her to act if she is actually really anxious about being accepted by the family. They both seem incredibly rude.

They both sound awful, and tbh he definitely doesn’t kind or well meaning either.

They were incredibly rude. I would never say that to someone's face. But that's a really weird wedding gift.

That was incredibly rude of them. I feel so sad for you OP.

They are being very rude and I would tell them that they are rude and hurtful

Did you buy him a gift as well?

Honestly, I would say that you take the purse back if they're not using it

But you should never ever spend such a ridiculous amount on the wedding gift. I mean you really need to think about that because that is a huge amount of money and you need it. You can't just give that amount of money away to other people unless You are very rich.

Well for a start they are extremely rude!

If they keep bringing it up then I’d be telling them how much it cost and you thought she may like it as a memory of her wedding day.
I doubt you’ll make them feel guilty as they seem beyond normal social etiquette in such matters.

Accept it back if they really don’t want it and think no more about it.
Don’t give them anything else and don’t invite them to your wedding.

If this is true, why did you only buy his wife a gift?

And I think they're not joking when they say they're going to regift it to you

So ask for it back now, you can sell
it on Vinted or whatever and then at least you get some money back for it

And then don't invite them to your wedding

They behaved very rudely, no excuse for that. This is the sort of thing we teach children.

I don't get spending that sort of money on something that you don't know much about though at least you meant to be kind. Save your kindness for more deserving people I guess.

This post nails it.

1. It was inappropriate as a wedding gift to a couple.
2. Why not just throw in a gift receipt?

They are rude, but I do think it was a bit bonkers to spend so much on a gift which is only for one of them, and for something which is very much personal taste when you don't know her very well, or much about bags. It sounds like a real waste of a big chunk of money. I wouldn't have been so rude to you, but I would definitely have been thinking the same thing.

They are rude but honestly that’s a terrible gift

Admittedly not a usual kind of wedding gift but you obviously put a lot of thought into it with the info you had been given from BIL which is lovely of you. They however, sound like truly awful people and not ones I’d particularly want in my life.

A ‘purse’ - I assume you’re American and mean a handbag - is a really odd thing to buy as a wedding gift.

A wedding gift is meant to be something for the bride and groom as a couple, for a start. Something they will use together. So I can see why your BIL was a bit miffed that you bought a bag for his wife rather than something they needed as a couple.

Also, just because she likes some designer things doesn’t mean she likes everything that has a designer label on it, or that she wouldn’t rather have £1,000 than a bag.

They should have been more tactful, certainly. They probably should have just thanked you and quietly sold it.

But it was an odd thing to buy as a wedding present in the first place. You can’t really expect someone to love something they never asked for and which isn’t to their taste just because you spent a lot of money on it.

So yes, they were rude in the way they handled it, but it was a strange and unwise thing for you to do in the first place.

Yes they are horrendously rude but that is a weird and insanely expensive wedding gift 🤦‍♀️

Just £100 and a card would have sufficed.

TBh I’d blame your partner as it sounds like it was his idea.

@RedTagAlan I'm not interested in designer or black. I would have gone for multicoloured sparkles from the pound shop so thats why I took advice from a friend. I thought it was a nice looking black purse.

Link the bag so we can see it or it didn't happen