They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

You bought an inappropriate gift. They were rude. Both those things can be true at the same time.

I would be raging if I got this as a wedding gift. As ye are family I think they are right to be straight and nip this type of giving on the head.

Thanks for the reply. So you did not like the bag yourself ?

We got him a gift too. The gift we got the BIL was not of monetary value but was really appreciated. It would be too revealing to give it away but we have a skill that takes many hours to create something. I can't think of a parallel example

Did they have a 'wedding list' or ask for money as as wedding gift?

Also do you mean purse or do you mean handbag?

For someone who was apparently very anxious about being accepted by the family your SIL is being horrifically rude about your gift. As is your BIL.

But, I am amazed you spent £1k on a gift for just her. That’s just nuts. Lesson learnt there op.

If they bring it up again I really would use the oft repeated Mumsnet phrase ‘Do you mean to be so rude?’ They deserve it. Rude fuckers. Put them in their place.

No I mean a purse. As in a female wallet. No wedding list and no ask for money.

@RedTagAlan like I said it was a nice purse but I have a multicoloured taste which is not shared by most of my friends

It's a very strange wedding gift.
It's not for the "couple", it's extravagant beyond your means, it's not to your personal taste and you didn't know that it was definitely to your SIL's taste.
If I was your SIL I would have been thinking "I'd rather have had the money" too, though probably wouldn't have said it. I likely would have tried to sell it. And made comments like "you didn't need to spend so much" to prevent you wasting your money on me like that again and "I'm keeping it for very special occasions" to explain why you don't see me using it.

she has asked me to sell it for her and send her the money

They were rude, but you were very thoughtless, despite putting thought and effort in. It was clearly inappropriate.

You’re not rich and wouldn’t buy expensive designer things for yourself so when your brother was getting married, you decided to spend £1000 on a designer purse for his bride who you have never even met just because he made a comment about her liking designer things? You had no idea what this woman likes but spent loads of money on her - this would be a lot of money for you to spend but you didn’t think to get a gift receipt. And you also didn’t think to buy your actual brother anything at all?

That’s nuts!

She should appreciate the effort and if she has expensive taste she should at least appreciate the designer nature of the gift, really rude to say it's ugly. Why doesn't she sell it on Vintage or ebay? Send her one you like from the pound shop for her birthday.

You spent £1000 on a purse/wallet for the bride without knowing if she actually wanted or needed it? As a wedding present?

That's beyond weird.

like I said it was a nice purse

Well, obviously the recipient didn't think so. Taste is a very personal thing.

They are rude. Your gift was bonkers. I can kind of see how may have them a bit speechless- so generous and yet so inappropriate! I would never normally do this but why not just say ‘I’m so sorry about the present, I had a moment of madness but got it wrong. Let me try to resell it and I will get you something from your wedding list if there is anything you didn’t receive at the time.’ And don’t spend £1000 this time!! £200 max, and something that they will both benefit from.

Somethings are too personal to get right on a guess - handbags and perfume at the top of the list. My dh knows me well and wouldn’t risk these without checking.

Cool. I don't think I would buy such a personal gift for someone if it was something I myself do not care for much. Difficult to explain.

As for the reaction, any tips on her culture ? That might play a part. I am not a cultural expert, but some posters will be.

The brother got something special they made themselves and liked it.

Yes you sell it but keep the money! How ungrateful.

Sometimes things turn into a joke that shouldn’t turn into a joke but people don’t realise it’s hurtful. Some people can laugh it off but others cant. If you can’t then you could say next time it comes up ‘we honestly were excited about getting you something designer. Can we leave it at this because it honestly kills me a little every time it’s brought up’.

I do think it’s hard learning that not everyone will like the gifts you give them and you win some, lose some (learnt only because most gifts I give that I’m excited about barely get a chance in expression. I still try my best still but I’ve had to accept you win some you possibly lose more😉)

An actual purse - everyone uses their phones now don’t they ?

Dont send her the money, that’s too transactional - get an appropriate gift instead.

She was rude. By the sounds of it your gift was a very expensive mistake though. Bags are very personal things and people's tastes are very different.

Was this meant to be a wedding present? I ask because if it was shouldn't the gift be for both people?

What an ungrateful pair op.

Sorry op but thats one of the weirdest gifts ever for a wedding.

Purses are such personal things. Not sure what you were thinking. Tbh I probably would have been a little blunt as 1k in a bag is insane.

Sell it and gift them the money

God, they’re clearly rude as hell and should have just gritted their teeth, thanked you and moved on and tried to sell it themselves - but what a very weird choice of gift.

I think you need to let your db know that it is too upsetting to joke about!

Indeed! Seriously OP stop beating yourself up. These are extremely strange people. It's one thing to be ungrateful, it's quite another to keep bringing it up.

I'd be telling them they'll be lucky to be invited to the wedding at this rate. Start standing up for yourself and where's your bloke in all of this?