They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

I'm curious to know which culture doesn't normalise cash gifts at a wedding.

No quality bag is reduced in value because fakes are out there! There’s loads of designer sales sites where authentic goods are sold. However for £1000 it might be a purse but few handbags will be this amount that retain value. It won’t be a Chanel, LV or Dior. It’s a totally bizarre gift. So try and sell it via Vestiere or similar. But, if it’s not a sought after make, it’s worth a lot less than the purchase price. Only holiday holdall bags or sports gear bags are ok as wedding presents. A purse (or handbag?) Definitely not.

How 'ugly' can a black leather purse actually be?

People seem to lack manners now, such that buying gifts is a thankless task and not worth the bother! I was brought up to thank the giver, pretend to like it and then quietly pass it on once the giver had gone home! Certainly to appreciate the thought and to not make the giver feel like shit! Your sil has no class and doesn't deserve the effort you made.

Unfortunately not, it’s not that kind of item!

Umm… you did have the best of intentions, but yes, you did mess up. So what I would’ve done at that time and you should certainly can see what you can do is see if it can be returned. And if so, offer to return it for them, since it’s not something they will use or value. Or you can simply reply to them that you are sorry that they feel that way and that they are welcome to sell it and use whatever they get for it in whatever way they choose. If they regift it to you, then you can either return it, depending on the brands policy or sell it. Depending on the brand in the style, you may be able to sell it for what you paid for it.

And then you decide how you wanna move forward. On any other giftgiving occasion, you can choose to not give a gift and just say the gift you gave landed so badly that you’re not going to exchange gifts with them going forward. And then it’s not an issue. You took a swing you missed it happens. You sell it or return it or let them sell it or return it and just move on.

Im shocked you would spend £1,000 on a purse 🤯 that’s insane. I would also never buy such a personal gift for someone I didn’t know and whatever I bought I would definitely make sure it was refundable. That said, they have nevertheless behaved appallingly. I’m not sure why you didn’t just say “give it back and I’ll get a refund” I would then have gifted them vouchers for £200

Write to them.

"Dear brother and SIL,

You have made it very, very clear on a number of occasions that you are unhappy with the gift we gave you for your wedding. As such, please return it as soon as possible.

Under the circumstances, please do not feel obliged to buy us a wedding gift. We can consider ourselves square on this issue. If you do not feel you can attend the wedding on this basis, we will simply wish you the best of luck for the future."

I'd be tempted to add a "Go fuck yourself with the fat end of a pineapple" at the end, but I fear you would lose the moral high ground.

You bought something very expensive AND personal for someone you'd never met after obviously discussing her (hearing things about her) beforehand.
According to you, this is someone "not well off" who '"likes designer things" but "cannot afford them" Honestly, I can't imagine that discussion where it is not dismissive or negative. And how does "designer things" translate to a purse? Surely there are plenty of "designer things" that would suit a couple as a wedding gift?
Anyway, I can totally see how this "show" may have been taken by the new bride. Aside from actually saying how many hours of work and thought the gift took, did you also mention "I know you like designer things"? at any stage because I'd be WTF? We've never met. And if you did, did you also add "but we know you can't afford them" Not really relevant but I am curious how she knew your DH bought it?
It was never going to end well. She was rude, yes, but she may have been covering much bigger feelings that such a moment should not evoke. Presentation of such a gift can be taken a number of ways and I suspect you are being a little disingenous here.
Regardless, it is a complete overreaction to be so worried about it being regifted to you. If that were to happen, you just sell it and recoup as much as you can and lesson learnt.

Was it not to stop this sort of rubbish that wedding present lists were invented? Life is so much easier if you buy from the list - the couple might even get what they want!!!! Hooray! Job done.

this is all a bit strange. Not sure this post is real. But if it is.

strange gift for a wedding - usually it’s a joint gift for the home. £1k is mad for a gift budget. Especially when you hadn’t even met her and you’re not well off.

BUT regardless- they are very rude and I would uninvite from wedding. Horrible people.

it also makes no sense for someone you’d just met to be so rude either. This is why I’m unsure if real. Why on earth did you go back when they were so horrible. Take it back and get a refund.

Just get her to send it over, sell it and then give her some money. But I wouldn’t be giving her much at all. That will then be the end of it.

Well they are very rude but it is an odd gift! You spent waaaaayy too much money on a gift that was really just for her. Aren’t wedding gifts usually for the couple? Something for their house or money towards their honeymoon? And something like a purse- people have very personal tastes on stuff like that. Sorry but I would find it utterly weird to spend that much on something you couldn’t be sure I’d even like. I’d never say so though. Or at best I might very gently and politely say ‘I’m so sorry but the purse just isn’t my taste. I’m saying this because it was expensive and I hate to think of you wasting your money- maybe you could get a refund?’ And then I would not mention what to do with the refund.

Such a shame because if you were excited to get them something, £1000 cash would have been an amazing present for them! They’d have been thrilled, they’d have thought it was an amazing present and everyone would have been happy!

Instead, a hugely expensive purse that neither you or her actually like, that can’t be returned, and was chosen by a friend of yours who has nothing to do with anything, is the oddest present ever.

TBH I don't want to reignite the conversation about the purse. Their postal system isn't good and very expensive so I doubt it will be sent. The next time we see them in person will be at our wedding. I don't want to give them an opportunity to bring up the conversation again then because it will play on my mind. DP did agree to sell it for them so if they bring it we will sell it and give them the money.

it's just been at the forefront of my mind a bit when I think about them and I don't know how to prevent this from tarnishing our relationship.

DP thinks we should just forget about it and if they bring it to us we will sell it.

' DP thinks we should just forget about it and if they bring it to us we will sell it. '

sorted !

now put it out of your mind, I am sure you have things to plan / think about re your wedding...
so do so

It's not even your brother, it's your partner's brother.

I hope what DH has said has helped to ease your mind a bit. Although really, they could just sell it themselves.

They haven’t dealt with it in polite way but i’d be struggling to know how to handle it. I wouldn’t want a £1k purse, I don’t believe they are an investment as fewer people are using purses (i don’t use cash) but i’d feel worried about telling you i’ve sold it.

I don't get why it's on you to sell the purse. They can just sell it themselves? That's just cheeky-fuckery on their part.

Agree with this. Tell her to sell it.

It would honestly make me feel sick to know that someone spent so much money on something pretty useless(especially if they were not rich themselves) such a waste of money and not appropriate for a wedding present which should really be to help the couple make a home together. If you don't know them well cash or a voucher (if they didn't have a wedding list) would have been super generous of you. Your husband was wrong and your judgement as a couple to buy a purse/bag is dubious. I suspect there is more to this. Liking 'designer' stuff is one thing..not affording it is something else..and people who appreciate a certain designer are something different. They won't want something they don't find aesthetically pleasing. It's like art if you appreciate a Rembrandt you wouldn't want a Lowry

DP thinks we should just forget about it and if they bring it to us we will sell it.

Your dp is right.

You (as a couple) got it completely wrong, but there's not much you can do about it now. Try to forget about it and focus on planning your own wedding.

Hopefully you'll all be able to laugh about it in a few years and think 'wtf was I thinking ?'

@penslas did they know how much it cost you?

I think I’d be annoyed having a purse worth £1k in my home, especially one I didn’t like, if I really could have done with the £1k cash instead. It would be infuriating to me that someone could waste that kind of money on a purse unless we were all mega minted!

I think they are very annoyed with you both that you got it sooooo wrong.

They are both indescribably rude, ungrateful and frankly horrible people. I would ask for it to be returned and then either get a refund for it if possible or sell it if not. You did a really nice thing and they treated you horribly. Would your husband say anything about it to them? I assume it’s his brother?

Surely somebody who covets designer things but can’t afford them would want something they can show off, not something hardly anyone will ever see or know they have? What’s the point of a status symbol that’s hidden down the bottom of an ordinary handbag?

so yes we got the gift wrong. We thought it would hold its value, be easy to sell or swap and be so appreciated in the first place she wouldn't want to do those things. But I can't get past their reaction. There wasn't an ounce of gratitude. I do think it's altered how I see SIL. Maybe unfairly as BIL was the same but I expect BIL to be blunt but it was my first time meeting her. If someone had gone out their way with that much thought and money for me, I would appreciate the gesture and make it known. Yes I may go on and sell it, but be so thankful for the thought. So I want to move past and forget it but i'm also afraid I may just burst into tears if they bring it up again as a joke.

I get how you can't just unsee someone's horrible behaviour. Remember if they make a nasty joke it reflects badly on them and not you.