They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

I wish mumsnet had an everyone is at fault reaction.

You were bonkers for spending that much on such a personal item from your small salary and for giving it as a wedding gift.

She (and he) are exceptionally rude for reacting the way they have.

What designer was it @penslas ?

It's a bit of a weird gift in all honesty but they have been quite incredibly rude about it.

As she's asked you, I'd absolutely accept it back and sell it. I'd not give them the money for it though. I'd just never speak of it again.

If they chose to bring it up, then I'd explain how shitty they were and that I wasn't giving them the money because they didn't deserve anything from me following their rudeness.

I'm sorry you're in this position when you'd intended to be kind and welcoming, even if I do think you went about that the wrong way. It's genuinely shockingly obnoxious behaviour. If you get a gift you don't like, you sell it, give it away or hide it in the back of a cupboard. Quietly. You don't berate the person who gave you a well intentioned present.

I suspect this is where the wires fit cross.

As a guess, there was no wedding list because that’s not what they do where they live. The answer is always an only money.
So you got hurt by your SIL response and found it rude. But then she probably felt the same way too. Hence asking fr you to sell it to get the money she was expecting.

My advice would be to ask your BIL about it. Be specific (he is autistic!) that you’re enquiring about your SIL cultural expectations (and those of the country theyre living in if they are different), not about his.
And if this is indeed a case of cultural misunderstanding, then I’d apologise and explain why this happened.

What is that relevant to? I don't understand why the OP liking or not liking the bag is relevant. Must you only buy gifts for others that you personally like? 🤔 I don't think that's how it works, don't you buy a gift based on what the receiver says they like, in this case designer goods?

They were rude but it's a really strange wedding gift. Imagine how far £1000 would go if you're saving for or doing up a house? That sort of money would buy an all singing, all dancing washing machine or fridge freezer if that's what they needed.

I'd probably be WTF to get a purse (I hate designer stuff though) instead of something useful if I knew you had that to spend. I'd probably just rant to my best friend about it for the next 50 years though.

Sorry, you meant well but next wedding you're invited to just get a toaster or bung £100 quid in the card.

Surely at this price you had the receipt...???

They have been very rude and you were very generous with the gift.

however, it is a bold gift for someone you don’t know given that everyone has different styles (to the point that you wouldn’t have bought it for yourself) and it’s a lot of money to spend on something that might not be to their taste. This isn’t something I would buy for someone without knowing them well/ getting input from someone who knows them well or from the person themselves.

“I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again”

I’d say “it actually really upsets me when you joke about it as although clearly we got it wrong, we actually put a lot of time, effort and money into that gift so it’s hurtful when you make fun of it”.

I wouldn’t be selling it for her FFS.
She can sell it herself.

Or if she hates it that much she can return it to you. That’s why I’m interested to know what designer it is.

Why is everyone going on and on about the bloody gift?

It's almost like you missed the part in her first post where she said "I know we messed up with the gift"

See, this shows that you're an individual with your own taste. So is your SIL. You didn't know her so it was a mad move to spend so much on something specific simply because it was 'designer' and you had some general ideas of her being poor and wanting designer things. I think it's fine for her to ask you to sell it so she can get something useful with the money. I'd never have spent that much especially on your salaries. I can see it came from a place of good intentions, but it's still misjudged and as it's the first real experience she's had of you, it's inevitably become a thing now. Not saying she's not rude to laugh about it when you're uncomfortable and regret your choice, but it's fair enough for her not to like it. I guess she could have pretended and resold it herself but that's rude too. Lesson learned and try to laugh about it/own the boo-boo, and get past it too.

You did a really nice thing. Don’t ever feel bad! Why doesn’t she sell it on and keep the money?! Why do you have to do it? Could you return it to the shop and give her vouchers to buy something she’d prefer instead?

well my phone would still work for 8-24 hours after a power cut.

Whereas the lights, fridge, and till in the shop, cookers in a restaurant, etc would all cut off. So even if I had a fist full of cash I couldn't spend it!

As power cuts are more likely to be localised I could, however, use my phone to order and pay for food from outside the immediate area to be delivered, or go and buy something.

Therefore phones are actually more likely to be useful in a power cut than cash. If you can even find somewhere that takes it.

I agree.

They were not very polite about it but:
It may be a blunt honest culture in her country of origin.
They felt they should be truthful as she wouldn’t use it.
It may have made her feel very uncomfortable to have such an expensive gift out of the blue.
They felt they should be honest in case you kept doing similar daft things.

In one way it was very kind and generous of you, but massively inappropriate and completely bonkers!

I don't think we should pile it on OP who has already admitted she messed up over the gift. They were unbelievably rude and I would have said so to their faces.

Many years ago I bought a hand made coffee set as a gift for a friend of mine who was getting married. Subsequently we had a row and she told me she though it was ugly and glad when the last piece broke, I never bothered to contact her after that. People have given me gifts that were not to my taste but I always managed to style it out before consigning the gift to the back of the cupboard. and later the charity shop.

One persons horrible gift is another's vintage find!.

The title is about them not liking the gift. It's a fair aspect to respond too, if we'd have liked it/done that, whether the OP has acknowledged the screw-up or not.

They were incredibly rude but I would never buy someone a bag of any value unless I knew they wanted it. It’s so personal.
Also a wedding gift should be for the couple , usually something for the house or vouchers. I know some people ask for cash as well.

What an odd wedding gift. Too generous and a weird choice.

Surely this isn't true. It doesn't make sense, she's super anxious yet she was rude to you. Who would buy a purse as a wedding gift, a thousand pounds. I find this very hard to believe.

They were rude but you were bonkers for spending that much on a wedding gift!

Purse is a US term; I think this has been pinched off Reddit.

Fuck. That. I wouldn't have made the same gift choice but her behaviour and lack of manners is outragous.

Outrageously rude. Entitled and unkind .
Don't have them at your wedding.

I honestly don't want to make you feel worse. Your SIL was incredibly rude.

But really... what possessed you to spend that much money on the couple? It's an incredible amount of money, I am gobsmacked. Your salaries don't justify that sort of expenditure surely. And to buy a designer purse that you won't even know she would like? I'm taken aback!

My sister got me a Mulberry purse (not handbag, purse) for a big birthday. I was incredibly grateful to her and thanked her a lot. However, I don't use purses at all, because I keep my CCs in a tiny flat wallet thing and that's it! But no way would I tell her or be rude to her so your SIL was out of order.

Just say to her "feel free to sell it"