They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Sell the purse and give them a fraction of the cost.

You say that they are living abroad. Is your SIL british or a different nationality/culture?

Well that is just a shiny turd on top of the shit pie.

I hope you don't waste any more money on them or much more thought. They are not worth it.

They are unbelievably rude, it's not normal to have that reaction.

It's true that being 'designer" means nothing, you mean well but they can find it hideous or a complete waste of money.

There are very few designer handbags I find great personally, most of the bags I find either horribly mumsy or tacky. If someone wanted to gift me a designer bag, I would prefer if they ask me which one I actually love. Wouldn't dream of acting like a twat though!

But they are just rude and plain nasty

I would offer to take the purse back, sell it and give them £50 at most.

This just can not be real. No way

so when I discussed it with my friend who likes designer she said that a purse is and investment and something she can use, its small and black so a safe choice, she doesn't have anything designer at the moment. If she doesn't like it she can trade it in or sell it. But that a classic black designer purse is a really safe choice because handbags are more personal. So yes I got it wrong but I am clueless and just took her word as fact.

No, not everyone uses their phones.

This complete reliance on technology is weird. How many of you would be screwed during a power cut?

I am the only British one of the 4 of us, so yes there are cultural differences

This!

Take the bag back and sell it. Rude cow.

I mean my cards live in my phone case, do I only carry one thing.

since she’s asked you to sell it can you not return it to the shop and keep the 1k yourself? Buy her some cheap chocolates next time you see her if you can be bothered. Extremely rude of them.

It really doesnt matter what the generous gift was... being obnoxious about it is awful. Anyone would be hurt by her calling it ugly and making a joke out if it.

If its mentioned again, say "its yours but if you dont want it, I'll have it. Obviously I wont be selling it on your behalf and giving you cash, thats just wierd. We chose to give you it, and chose not to give you money, which is our perogative".

This whole thread is insane. You for spending that much money on a wedding gift and thinking buying a purse was a good idea, and them for reacting like that

You clearly meant well and they’ve been so rude about it. I’d get the purse back off them as soon as possible, don’t leave it til your wedding. Get it back now and then like pp have said, sell it and treat yourself to something nice.

I'd say it's foolish to buy an expensive purse (handbag?) for someone else as a wedding gift. For one it's only for half of the couple, for two people have very specific tastes and a designer bag would need to be something the person chose themselves.

But they should've just politely asked for the receipt as they loved the generous gesture but she might like to change the style. They are very rude indeed.

A purse isn't a wedding gift. You normally give a gift to the couple.
Even weirder was spending £1k on a purse for her when you have no idea of her taste.
However. She was rude.
Sell it and give them a smaller cash gift.

They were very ungracious over your choice of wedding gift when you were trying so hard to make her feel accepted by the family by choosing a personal gift for her rather than something off their wedding present list, assuming they had one.

I have no idea why they didn't simply sell it on Vinted or eBay If they really disliked the item, and never mention it to you again. . If I were in your position. I' d accept the return of the unwanted gift as graciously as you can, sell it, and then phase out gifting between you and them as clearly they are not worth the effort. A bottle of wine/ box of chocolates when you visit face to face is all that I would do in future.

I dunno, I quite enjoy the summer holidays. They're quite entertaining

It’s not a handbag, it’s an actual purse. OP has clarified this.

That’s your friend’s opinion - doesn’t mean your SIL feels the same way. There are likely specific designers or items she likes, not just an item because it’s a ‘designer’ item. It was kind of you to try and think of her and they were rude with their response but you did get it wrong. Sell the purse but don’t give her the money.

Sell the purse to help pay for your wedding.
Buy them two mugs.

It was a rude response to your thoughtful and generous gift.

You shouldn't have bought a designer purse, firstly a very strange gift for someone you don't know and secondly people have different tastes in handbags and purses. When buying designer for someone else you definitely need to check which one they like as many are not to everyone's taste. Put a link to it here and let's see how ugly it is.

A designer bag is a really weird wedding gift, sorry! I would have smiled and been gracious, but slapped that right online to re-sell as I’d rather have the money too.

One of Dh’s friends bought us a hookah and some shisha as a wedding gift. Neither of us has ever smoked shisha in our lives - and I’m asthmatic!

YABU.

Imagine if you’d got married first and they’d bought you a honeymoon trip to somewhere you wouldn’t ever want to visit, would you think, “great, I’ll ignore my own feelings and go anyway just to show gratitude”?

I think you were ridiculous to spend ££££ on a wedding gift for someone you’ve never met, have no real idea what they like and expect them to be grateful! Normally, that’s the stuff batshit MIL’s try to do 😳

Yes, you should have given them money (maybe not as much!) as that’s what most people do for wedding gifts these days. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As someone who has also gotten gifts wrong, I really sympathise. It’s awful realising that someone doesn’t like something that you put a lot of thought into.

None of the recipients of my gifts have ever expressed anything other than gratitude, even if I could tell they didn’t love it.

I would take the gift back and either get a refund or sell it on Vinted or similar. She certainly doesn’t deserve to be given the money, she sounds dreadful! Maybe give her a percentage of what you get for it just to end the whole sorry saga, and get something colourful for yourself with the rest.

Or give her nothing at all and tell her what you really think of her, if you can stand the fallout.