They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

You need to call them out on this. If anything is said again, get cross with them, tell them how bloody rude they are and to give you the purse back. Dont get them a replacement present, either you keep it or sell them. Ungrateful cow.

I think you're just going to have to laugh it off now! Ask her if she wants the matching handbag for Christmas! If they do regift it back to you, have a laugh about it and you're also quids in if it is an investment for the future!
Don't let it ruin your wedding - they are obviously quite tactless and rude so don't worry about offending them any more and try to put it behind you - she'll probably regret it in the future and wish she'd kept it! Good luck!

Give them the receipt to so they can sell as genuine.

'. We thought it would hold its value, be easy to sell or swap and be so appreciated in the first place she wouldn't want to do those things.

But I can't get past their reaction. There wasn't an ounce of gratitude. I do think it's altered how I see SIL. '

We ?
or you as I cannot imagine your partner getting so involved in the purchase of a PURSE !

' There wasn't an ounce of gratitude.'

There is actually more to this isn't there ...
as you started your thread with information / comments like:

' We heard some things about her. '

heard or were told ?

who by - her new husband to be ? or his mother ? who ?

does it sound like someone was gossiping, maybe even bitching behind this girl's back ...

' and be so appreciated in the first place she wouldn't want to do those things '

it was a Wedding gift !

not a bed for the night for a homeless person or a sandwich for a beggar outside a supermarket !

Were you to trying to be Lady Bountiful ?

' She is not well off, ' so what ?

are you suggesting she is a money grabber / gold digger / different class level to how you see your partner's brother and in turn your partner and in turn yourself.

' really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, '

many people can't afford ' designer ' goods / items it doesn't make someone a lesser person...

Normally one does not buy a gift thinking ' We thought it would hold its value, be easy to sell or swap '
why were you even thinking that when you were in Channel or wherever the purse is from ?

' hold its value ' it wasn't stocks, shares or jewellery it was a purse,

purses usually get used and over time the card bits stretch and the coin bits get grubby this wasn't an ' investment ' you were making you were buying a Wedding gift

' be easy to sell ' one doesn't usually buy a gift with that thought ?

' or swop ' but did you give her the receipt ?

can she even get to the shop you bought it in - as you have already told us BIL lives abroad thus it's possible his bride does too ?

The more you go on about crying at your wedding / afraid you may burst into tears, make me think there is more to this ' Wedding gift purse ' than you are saying.

I don’t disagree. I mean, if I buy someone a £50 jumper as a present, it wouldn’t occur to me not to include a gift receipt.

OP can you please reply about what happened to the receipt? If your SIL/BIL didn't like the purse straight away, couldn't they have exchanged it or got a refund if your DP gave them the receipt. Has he lostvthe receipt?

It was risky to buy something that personal without checking.

that said they are fucking rude

If she (the bride) doesn’t have the receipt she can’t sell it.

(I thought everyone on TikTok saw the postings all the tim from Love Luxury).

So from your original post she likes designer items.

but also you say until people gave her wedding presents of perfume etc she didn’t actually HAVE any designer items

£1K for a purse is either Lv or Hermes. Both have massive resale markets for either you or her BUT ANYONE WILL NEED THE RECEIPT - so who has the receipt.?

also.. is “another culture” the new “husband hobby”..? It would be extremely helpful if we knew “the culture “ that 75% of the people involved are from was Korean, or Chinese, or (s million different parts of) India. Or Vietnamese. However to say Indian or Chinese might be outing

Yes. WHO HAS THE RECEIPT? You need to receipt to sell an item like this to prove it's real.

So you have the purse OP.
You must have the receipt for such an expensive item or perhaps it’s counterfeit?

It sounds like you were trying to do something culturally appropriate and something which a lot of thought went into. Their reaction is terrible and incredibly crass. If you were looking for a small designer gift that you are giving to someone that you don’t know well then a purse seems appropriate. I’m sorry they were so rude about it.

If they bring it up again say something, have something prepared in your head

If someone had gone out their way with that much thought and money for me, I would appreciate the gesture and make it known

But it isn't thoughtful.
That is the point.
You have chosen to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a purse no-one is going to use.

When you get something you neither want nor like in the office Secret Santa, you smile, nod, give it to a charity shop and try to remember not to take part in Secret Santas again. But I would be very cross someone with £1000 they wanted to spend on me didn't ask what we would like / would be useful / how we would best appreciate it.
"Thoughtful" is about thinking about the recipient, not choosing for them.

It’s very easy to fall into a trap as a women of doing the present buying, social arranging etc for all extended family and there’s no need. It’s 2026, all men should be able to arrange social events, buy presents and communicate with their own family members.

Let your DH manage his own family and worry about them being rude. All you need to do as an in-law is just be polite to them. There’s no need to like them and no need to be friends or get offended when they don’t live up to your expectations.

Her partner bought the purse

What an unbelievably rude and ungracious BIL and SIL you have.

You did a lovely thing with the best intentions. I’m not sure I’d bother again tbh.

OP, you did something kind and meant well.
They are spectacularly rude and ignorant.
Yanbu to be upset.

I wouldn't be ever generous with them again and I would be shutting down any further comments by telling them how rude they are.

This is not normal.
They are very rude.