They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

You would be "raging"?

Granted, it was an odd choice of gift. But unless someone buys you a fridge full of Mounjaro with a card addressed to Porky, or vouchers for a plastic surgeon, I'm not sure "rage" is ever a reasonable reaction to an expensive gift.

Yes they were rude, but what on earth possess you to spend a thousand pounds on a purse for someone you didn’t know, so didn’t know their tastes, as a wedding gift. Thays the oddest thing I’ve ever read.

i think its fair they say it’s not to my taste, a thousand pounds is a huge amount of money,

im sorry but thay was a really bizzare thing to do. Wedding gifts are for the couple. You don’t buy clothes or accessories for someone you don’t know and don’t know their tastes.

I also think "money or nothing, thanks" is fine when it comes to wedding gifts. Not you, OP, who tried to do something kind which didn't land, but more generally I don't understand people who feel the need to foist their taste on the couple and expect massive gratitude. Some people get a lot of pleasure from shopping and gift-giving and equate this with generosity, which it isn't.

Sell the purse, buy a set of cheap saucepans and tell them you realise it's a more appropriate gift . Keep the change obviously !

They were both extremely rude and yes, you are right to be upset about that. I would be too.

However, that was a risqué thing to get as a wedding present. Wedding presents are supposed to be for the couple. Could the gift that you made for your brother/BIL not have been made into a gift for both of them?

Honestly, designer bags, purses, clothes etc. are a very, very personal choice. The risk that whatever you chose and spent a fortune on wouldn't be to her taste was very high. You'd have been much better just getting them vouchers (I favour John Lewis vouchers) to a value you were comfortable with so that they could go out and choose their own gifts.

Of course, none of that excuses their awful behaviour. If I had been gifted something like this I would have been surprised, but suitably grateful for it as it obviously wasn't a cheap item. I'd probably have even tried using it, and you never know, might even have come to like it.

They are arses. Don't invite them to your wedding. They'll bring this up and not let it drop.

Then so why didn’t you buy them both a gift. Or even ask them what they would wish. Why on earth would you buy a woman you’ve never met something like this when you don’t know her tastes. She’s not going to like it just as it’s expensive.

You tried to do a nice thing and they are incredibly rude and ungrateful. I would take the gift back and give them £200 in vouchers, treat yourself with any extra that you might get from selling it. Any person that says ‘give me the money instead’ would be getting a charity gift from me forever

If you like the purse, accept it back. It will only be wasted otherwise. Always tricky guessing other people's tastes. I have quite a lot of gifts in a cupboard that were given with a good heart. It's just a waste. I wouldn't be so rude as to say so, though.

@penslas This must really sting. You don’t really earn enough to be giving that much away in gifts to anyone. That was a really incredibly generous thing you tried to do. In hindsight you got it wrong but it came from a good place. I think you need to have a word with your brother and say that you find the digs and continued unkind remarks incredibly
hurtful and the gift came from a good place even if it didn’t land well. You should also point out to him that you spent more than you really could afford as you wanted to make his wife feel welcome and their behaviour now is unkind.

The gift was a misstep and a weird choice, but the intention was lovely - kind and thoughtful.

Their reaction, on the other hand, veers beyond rude and graceless and right into fuck you territory. It would have been fine had they approached the situation with even the tiniest bit of sensitivity, but to openly take the piss out of a gift (no matter how misguided) someone has stretched themselves to afford, and given in a spirit of love and generosity, is unforgivable.

And to go on about it and then demand it be returned - by you! - for its cash value shows you they’re not just grabby, they actively want to shame and belittle you.

Instead of feeling hurt and sick to your stomach, OP, you should be questioning why you’re allowing a pair of cunts like this to affect your self-esteem, instead of being furious at their nastiness and ingratitude.

As other posters have said, this was a very weird wedding gift...

BUT - they should not have been rude about it.

As they hate it so much, when they bring it up next time say 'yes, yes, I know - you hate it.. let me take it back off you and I'll sell it and buy you something else'. Then sell it, take what you can for it and give them a £100 voucher for a department store. They are being really rude.

Agree, your husband needs to speak to his brother, say you both made a mistake but it’s moving into hurtful now and you don’t wish to hear it again.

to be honest as much as it is rude, buying someone a thousand pound wallet for their wedding, who you don’t know, is utterly mind boggling. I’m not surprised they can’t get over it,

They're ungrateful and rude. Don't buy them anything again.

Accept it, fill it will dog shit and post it back to them. Royal Mail. Second Class.

The bride can sell the purse herself ! It's far far too late for you to return it to the shop as it's 6+ months since you bought it.

A very strange gift to give as a wedding present, if you wanted a ' designer ' wedding gift then sure you should have bought a fancy vacuum cleaner or something - at half the price ! or a Miele washing machine ( you could just about have afforded one at their lower range )

How awful for you, OP. And bringing it up over and over again? I'd be telling to stop that. If she gives it to you to sell I'd blooming well keep the money.

How ungrateful and ill mannered of the couple.
I would never again speak to anyone who was so spiteful to tell me face to face that my gift was ugly or I should have got them something else.
Never again.

If Bil brings it up again ever I would counter with

“You also said your fiance was very anxious about being accepted by the family. Looks like we both got things wrong”

I would say something personal like a purse is something that you have to know someone really well to be able to buy for them
I have had purses given to me over the years from people who think they know me.

I have never used any of them. They weren’t £1000 so usually ended up in the charity box pile

I would get a refund and gift them the £500

My mind boggles that a purse can cost £1000.

Odd wedding gift, the money would of been better suited but that said no reason for them to be rude. They should of accepted and tried to resell it and said nothing. I wouldn’t invite them to your wedding.

It seems a strange gift as wedding present but they are hideously rude

gifting something like this would not be weird in their culture. She received a couple of other designer things including a perfume, and an item of clothing.

What you chose doesn't sound like a wedding present to me, although I personally would like a black designer purse so that wouldn't have been an issue.

However your BiL and his wife and gobsmackingly rude. You accept gifts graciously and if they really aren't to your taste you ask the giver if they'd mind if you returned it. Politely, and not as soon as you open it.

The OP has already clarified that she meant the UK meaning. It was a purse/wallet not a handbag.

But he didnt buy it for the little brother? You bought a very personal accessory for his wife to be, with absolutely NO idea whether she would like it or not.

Wedding presents are for the couple, or their home, or their honeymoon.

I would take it back, sell it, tell her how much you got for it and tell her she isn’t having the money for being such a CF.