They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Sell it and keep the money. She's rude and ungrateful. As for this:

'She is very anxious about being accepted by the family.'

If that was the case, she would have accepted the gift graciously, thanked you for it and then either never use it or sell it herself.

Don't bother having a relationship with your BIL or his new wife. They are not nice people.

That's part of the problem of assuming. There will always be somewhere who takes cash and power cuts could be a lot more serious than what we've experienced so far.

You got 50% of the present right just take heart in that. A gift for a stranger was always going to be a gamble but you meant well.

I can't believe she has asked you to sell it and give her the money! She's not even just quietly flogging it herself.

Next time they bring it up I'd be tempted to say how well suited they are, they're both as rude as each other.

Yeah, I'd have put in the receipt with the gift. It is very hard to buy for someone else's tastes when it comes to clothing/accessories. But they are being very unkind to keep harping on about it and to react the way they did, they shoud've just sold it and kept quiet. Sorry OP, don't sound very nice people!

OP has specified she means purse as in a woman's wallet. That's a British term.

It's only an investment to someone who likes and knows all about designer purses.

I wouldn't thank you for one either - well, I would because I have manners. It would then go in a drawer and donated as a raffle prize at the next fundraiser I am involved with.

No it’s not! A purse is a normal English term and has a different meaning to in the US. The op has verified that she is using the English meaning here

Course it's relevant. SIL didn't like it as it's not to her taste. OP didn't like it as it's not to hers. The receiver didn't say she liked it, the OP just 'heard' something vague from someone else about designer goods and outsourced the choice. So instead of appearing thoughtful and specific, it seemed more like - here, poor lady, have this designer thing that isn't even to my own taste but you must like it because it's designer. They're laughing at the randomness of it. If OP could at least say 'I love these so I hope you do too' it would make more sense. But no, she's a specific person with her own tastes. If she doesn't know SIL's own tastes, better to give a gift to the couple that she's checked they want, or money.

😂 no it’s not. You’ll put your money in a purse.

Well, actually, I don’t use one at all. Weird gift. Just take it back, sell it, keep the money and don’t bother buying them gifts in future.

I'm sorry but you and DH need to learn to speak up or yourselves.

Whether or not the idea was flawed or the purse was 'ugly'; is irrelevant - the problem is that BIL & his 'anxious' (yeah, right!) wife are arseholes and you and DH are not reacting to their outrageous behaviour in any way normally.

Your DH needs to tell his twat of a brother (and no, ASD is NOT an excuse for such rudeness) that he and his wife are giant, arseholes, CF's and if they ever mention the gift again in anything but grateful terms then you will be going NC for the foreseeable.

They are choosing to treat you terribly.

YOU are choosing to put up with it.

There is no culture in the World that requires a person to be so awfully treated and not have anything to say about it.

Although I do think it's insane to spend 1k on a wedding gift, I am horrified by how rude bil and sil have been to you. The fact they don't like it doesn't change the fact that you did put a lot of thought and effort into choosing the gift - you could have got them a 50 quid Amazon voucher, but you went the extra mile abd tried really hard to get something special - and you were incredibly generous. I've never heard of someone spending so much, that was so so kind of you. I am stunned they are being such a stroppy pair if ungrateful brats about it - are they 5??? Absolutely no manners between them, they are disgusting. I'd be demanding it back and go get my money back, and they'd never get another gift from me ever. Rude twats.

I must admit I didn’t like an expensive dinner set that had been gifted from husband’s grandma. I just said thank you and hid it away but my husband told them that we didn’t like it! I was so embarrassed and explained that we liked plain things! They took it back and no further gift was given, which was completely fair enough! Very embarrassing all round!

Yep.

From someone keen to make an impression, she certainly made one.

We received some very off the wall gifts for our wedding. I appreciated the thought and effort made and thanked them appropriately.

Disgusting behaviour of them. I would have nothing to do with them.

How rude of them! She can sell the bloody purse herself or you can happily accept it back and get some of your money back. No wonder she was worried she wouldn’t be accepted by the family, she’s not very nice! In what culture is it not normal to accept gifts you don’t like with a bit of politeness and grace?

When you say purse, do you mean what we call a purse in the UK (what you put money in) or a handbag (Americans call it a purse).

I wouldn't be passing on any money to this rude woman. She can sell it herself.

Going forward OP be careful about being one of those people who just loves to spend ages choosing special gifts IYSWIM. It's ok to enjoy gift giving but I think a lot people can get really disappointed when the recipient doesn't match their enthusiasm. Be realistic about your recipients.

Sell it and send the ungrateful cow a tenner. There are probably still a few bundles from the Claire's closing down sale going begging on Vinted - she could go nuts with a tenner.

It doesn't matter what the gift was. You just don't behave like that. Utterly vile and unforgivable IMO.

They were really rude but I do agree it was a really strange wedding gift.

With 1k (which is an insane amount) you could have got them a nice home gift and then a voucher for a really nice shop that’s available where they live like their JL equivalent.

I love bags and purses but if I didn’t have much cash I wouldn’t be delighted with a 1k purse to stick in my average bag.
I also wouldn’t want someone to choose one for me.

They were clearly astonished because that is the weirdest wedding gift ever, but they were also very rude, inexcusably rude actually. I would accept it back as a wedding present, and try and recoup some of the money you spent on it, let's face it, they are not going to get you anything worthwhile anyway.
They were exceptionally rude, but i have been very short of money at times and I would be really upset if someone wasted their money (and my gift) on something so ridiculous, I hope that is would accept it with better grace though.

It was really important for DP to spend this, it's the biggest day of his little brothers' life and he saved up for it. Gifting at weddings in their culture are also generally larger than here.

If someone fetishises designer/luxury goods I disregard that fact entirely when gift-giving, for this reason. I make the same salary as you and there's simply no way I would do this even for a person who was likeable and grateful

I do think giving someone a designer gift without ever meeting them or knowing anything about their personal style other than “I like brands” is risky and it ended up being a misstep, but they were both rude beyond belief.

Honestly
" I bought an expensive gift for you, to welcome you to the family. £1000 is a lot of money to us. I didn't know your taste, or that you are horrifically rude. There is no chance that this mistake will be repeated. Please return the gift to me."