I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

A high proportion of husbands leave wives if they become ill. If you were a man you’d be less conflicted.

You and your daughter deserve to live fear free.

It’s quite unusual for such an acute mental health crisis to come completely out of the blue. If there isn’t drug use or some kind of trauma, I’d hope that all physical health avenues have been fully explored. Has he had MRI scans?

He can't come home. My friends husband was very ill. One night he tried to kill my friend and their children. He killed a pet. The friend and kids escaped out of a window.

Is he even well enough for assisted living?

Has he done something wrong while away??

Then you must leave. You cant bar him from his house. But I don't think you are obliged to give up your life to care for him.

I think a major thing for you to really push with them is that once he's in your care you receive so little support that if he relapses he very much would be a danger to himself and your daughter especially. It isn't safe to simply discharge him to you and they should really be moving him to supported living first. On these grounds you really could refuse to accept him back. It's all well and good saying he has a legal right to the house but they have a duty of care and they can't just dump him out knowing you're not willing to have him.

You need to express your thoughts on discharge to the MDT. Your thoughts (and your daughters) should be taken into consideration.

That is so difficult, you don't know if he might be a danger to himself or a danger to you or your DD. You really need some assurance about his mental condition and then what the future may hold, having to mentally support him forever is just to much to contemplate. I think I would have to say we can't support him you will have to make other arrangements and if they don't you leave and he comes back to a deserted house.

There is no way you can have this man - father or dh or not - in your home with your dd. He could quickly relapse and put you at real risk. Family, friends or supported living with an agreed plan moving forward.

You are never ever obliged to put your safety or that of your daughters on the line for anyone.

It is time to take decisions both short and long term. You may wish to support him as a friend/wife/companion and that’s separate to allowing him back unsupervised.

Could you do couples counselling while he is still in hospital? This sounds like a lot for you all to be going through

Edit: I typed this before your update but my phone glitched and didnt send it til now. Scrap that advice OP

You are totally unreasonable .
Those vows don't mean much for many , just words , words said to get you both officially married, if you choose to stand by them that's your choice but equally your choice if you can't for whatever reason.
You absolutely can't say for certain you will stand by your husband ,no one can , some disabilities change a person beyond recognition and their changed behaviour in some cases would be completely untenable to continue a relationship with.
The op is clearly struggling with her awful situation and your judgemental post isn't very helpful.

Did you promise to love in sickness and in health ? If you were the damaged one how would you feel.
Just because he is broken does not mean you bin him
You take on the promise you made.
I am in a similar situation. My husband has gone the same way, but when I needed him he took care of me, now its my turn.

Again as I keep saying, the backstory is missing here so this was my response.

Couples counselling isn’t available in a psychiatric hospital/unit and I don’t think a standard counsellor would want to take them on as a couple. This man had immediate psychiatric needs that trained medical staff need to assess/work with.

I very much doubt his clinical team will agree to that - given how unstable he is. I think that would be an option once he is discharged and after several months of no relapses. And even then it would be risky and could leave him spiralling again. Counselling can be very triggering.

The poster who's father was paralyzed, well he wasnt likely to try & kill anyone was he!
As said men tend to leave female partners who are a burden to them due to ill health, the OP here is not wanting to leave the situation because her husband is a burden, it's because he is a threat to her & her daughter's safety.

Have you thought that those of us who speak from experience might disagree with you.
if the vows you took were just "words to get married" then marriage is a sham. It's not staying in an abusive relationship, it's caring for someone who needs you.
If the OP did not mean her vows then she need not ask advice at all.

Surely if he’s still a risk, as some posters who have followed the story imply, he won’t be allowed out/to come home/to be around your daughter

It is really easy to say that if you have not been in this position. If someone is psychotic, suicidual and has no insight into their illness, it is not safe for them to be discharged into a family situation. I have had this, and been guilt-tripped by professionals and wider family into unsafe discharges. Result - my life and their life at risk and some behaviours no-one should have to witness. I choose in the end to keep myself and our DC safe.
OP hope the unit recognises he still lacking insight and do another Section 3. Please do say that this would be an unsafe discharge and you are safe-guarding your daughter. Hopefully you will get some breathing space so you can make decisions.

That’s not true, mental health provisions are beyond breaking point. If they can offload patients, they will.

I've just trad the rest of the OP post and withdraw my earlier comments.
if she had given more detail in the beginning post many would have given very different advice.
sorry.

Oh yes the marriage vows:
in sickness & in health
for richer & for poorer
in peace or at risk of violence
in safety and in threat of murder

were those the vows taken by those who think OP should stand by her man?

Marriage is a big ask. Presumably that is why so many people don't do it any longer.

Please tell the medical team that he is considering self-discharge. If they don't think he is ready ( which seems pretty obvious as he is non-compliant), they will arrange for another MHA assessment, with the probable outcome that he will be back under Section. The only reason he isn't now, is that he agreed to remain voluntarily. The team isn't planning his discharge in the near future, are they?

What you are feeling does not make you a bad person. You weren’t put onto this planet to have a difficult life because someone else is. Yes, sickness and health is the vow you took but it doesn’t mean that you have to suffer and not allow yourself time away to heal. Take time, support yourself and see if you can come back together but you can’t keep pushing yourself like this.

have you got professional support in place for yourself and separately for your daughter?

What about the DD's needs to be safe at home and not having to flee to a hotel because it was unsafe? IIRC the dd has her own needs that OP was already supporting.