I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

Without prying, has he had a head injury? A relative was a totally different person for about a year but there’s been some very positive changes recently so is there a possibility the person he was may return?
So sorry you’re going through this.

Have you tried looking for support groups for the illness that has had this terrible effect on your husband? They might have some good advice
about the longer term effects and how to cope.

A first step would be getting the house valued and working out what you would each get out of the equity.

To be honest you don't know that he would do this for you. You have also said he's changed. You've also changed.
This isn't anyone's fault. Things have changed and you are not the couple you once were. And taking on responsibility to care for someone you no longer love is going to lead to resentment and a whole host of other difficulties.
I think you need to tell him that things have changed and that you would like to separate. It's best to be honest up front id say

Are his problems physical or mental? Honestly I’d be pretty messed up if someone left me because I was physically hurt, but if I was psychotic I’d get it.

What did he do before this happened? Was he cruel etc? I hate men, almost all of them (only mentioning so you know I’m not a pick me) but if nothing happened before this then I think you should see how it goes. I totally understand you feel this way and you can break up with someone for any reason you like but it seems a bit cruel to do it before you’ve given it a chance. Give it 3 months, get your ducks in a row, if you hate it still then leave him. You didn’t agree to be a carer, divorce is legal. Men do it all the time and it doesn’t stop them getting promoted or finding a new wife lol.

Op

just tell him it’s over and do it now while he still has access to his mental health team

however It might not be as easy as you think for him to find accommodation

waiting until he is discharged makes no sense

I agree, it makes no sense to have him come home. I don't know the backstory but from what you have written it doesn't sound as if there is any coming back from this. Far better to separate while he still has support in place.

I don’t know the answer but I think in your position I would refuse any formal caring role. I would propose that his leaving hospital must assume that you and your daughter could leave your home at any time for any length of time and cannot be relied upon for support.

Well you can always rely on the MN massive to always kick a man while he’s down. It’s his house too. He doesn’t have to live somewhere else. Clearly there’s no in sickness and in health here so forget that for a moment. By OPs own admission he wouldn’t dream of harbouring similar thoughts towards her or acting on them so perhaps that’s where the energy needs to go at the moment and explore why you have such a strong reaction to something that he clearly didn’t choose to happen.

I don’t know where you are getting all that from?

All your feelings are natural and understandable. As there is currently no timetable for him leaving hospital, I’d suggest you find a therapist and talk everything through with them. The right one will help you make decisions for the right reasons. Best of luck.

That's not realistic if he comes to live with them. Nobody else will be stepping in.

You cannot stop him from coming home to his own house. It is both your house. You need to tell him and split and plan to sell the house or buy him out. You don’t get to block him from his own property because he got sick and you’ve decided he can’t come back. It’s also bed blocking if you leave him in hospital when he’s ready to return home. You don’t have to share a bed with him but it’s his home.

It is still the same man within him. Even if his behaviour has changed.

Gosh, this is sad for everyone.

I’d be absolutely gutted if my husband upped and left just when I needed him most however I just can’t imagine a situation where this would happen likewise my children not wanting to even communicate with their father.

However, your posts aren’t very clear about what he was like and what he is now like and only you know whether it’s something you and your daughter can or should live with. I mean, if he was an abusive arsehole beforehand and you’re only just starting to realise this now he’s not controlling you then absolutely run for the hills but if he was a kind and loving husband and father, I think I’d struggle with this and would judge.

OP, I have read your previous posts. The way he’s been, the lack of answers from the medical team - I think there’s a complication there you’re not foreseeing right now - good chance he comes home to you as his carer and it will be a 24/7 job at least for a period of time, so you won’t be able to work. So what you need to factor in too is whether the mortgage would be sustainable on combination of: carer’s allowance/UC/his disability benefits (I am assuming here he will be a long way off being able to work when they release him). I also wouldn’t assume he wouldn’t leave you under similar circumstances- cause that is saying he wouldn’t put your daughter’s safety and wellbeing first. Further, splitting does not mean you cannot be there for him and support him as a friend/your daughter’s father. Unless the doctor’s figure out what is it and put in a treatment plan that has him become more himself and not just make him stable- I would, personally, be looking at splitting and at what can you get for you and your daughter with half the value you have in the house.

This too. Obviously we don’t know details which may inform the decision more. But you did marry him… in sickness and in health was one of the parts of that.

Its becasue, despite the OPs opening position, we recognise her and know the back story.

OP I am so sorry you are in this position.

I think at this point your main responsibility is towards your daughter and her wellbeing and safety, and while she is unable to be in the house while he is there - for fully justified reasons, him coming home and you caring for him full time is untenable.

Its easier to get family to take on the caring role, but it is not always best for everyone involved. Ive seen my mum almost destroyed by it and its taken years of her life and almost driven her into places Ive never seen her go. My dad is just beginning to come out of a latest bout but the damage all round and the trauma is awful and ripples outwards.

And most importantly, you are not a MH professional, nor a professional nurse or carer. It is always better to have people who have chosen those roles playing those parts, as they have no emotional baggage with the patient and can do the job properly.

There is nothing wrong with that, and asking for others to do it. But ultimately he cant be in the house with your daughter, so he is going to need to have supported living at least in the interim, until she feels safe around him, or leaves home. Only when you can see how his recovery goes can you make any kind of longer term decision as to whether you want him back as a husband and partner.

Hi OP. I am the carer for my husband with LB dementia. As I am writing this he is going through one of his regular fixations where he is quite angry (for no reason) and is storming round the house. His moods can be very changeable and this is on top of needing to feed him, wash him, dress him and do all the normal things I have to do around the house. Caring is very tough. I take one or two days off a week, but even the it is very hard and I am constantly tired. I am now in my late 50s and I will continue to look after him until he passes. If my children were younger I think I might look for different options. Caring, dominates everything else. For a 16 year old it has the potential to be massively disruptive to normal life. I do not have any solutions but:

1. Speak to social services about a care assessment. If you have savings this may not give you a complete solution, but it will give you options.
2. Scrutinise any care release plan carefully. If he has been on section then the plan should set out in detail the support and how this will be delivered. Scrutinise it and make sure it is fit for purpose and has clear timescales and commitments. If you do not agree it, say no clearly. You have power now, you will not when he is released.
3. Please ask yourself the following question and be really really honest about it. If the situation was reversed and it was you having these issues, would DH be taking care of you for the long term? Through what is now a dementia influenced angle, and on an anonymous forum for me I think the answer is a resounding no. He would not have done this for me. Most things in our marriage were for may years lopsided and whilst he may have done caring for a number of weeks, I do not believe he would have done it long term. I think the answer to this question should inform what you do next.

He was a good man.
I think he still is, it's just hidden right now. But even then, he's not, not a good man iyswim.

Op please speak to a social worker from your h ward, and explain your feelings,
This is called ' family crisis ' they will advise you and support h too, its common, I worked for many years in nhs and seen this alot, family breakdown, down leave it until he's home, help and support is there if you tell them now

Whatever the reasons, he has been absent for the time he has and that has given you the space to reflect and decide on what you need and want for the future.
You also need to take into consideration your DD and how she is feeling.
If he is no longer the person you married and you do not want to be with him anymore, that is absolutely fine. If he would require a lot of caring, that completely changes the husband/wife role and it is no reflection on you if you say you cannot take on that responsibility.
Ensure that you get the ball rolling before he is discharged - that you cannot manage his needs at home and the hospital needs to find alternative provision for him. It may also mean that you can find a way of building a friendship with him, and support him that way rather than ending up loathing and resenting him if you have to live together again.
You also do not have to let him into the house for his visit. Find neutral ground for his visit - it will probably be good for him to be out and about if he's been stuck in a hospital environment for so long.

I followed your previous threads, OP. 💐💐💐💐💐

Of course you don't want him home, because it's not him.

I think she wants her DAD home but the last few times she has seen him, it hasn't been her dad so she is conflicted.

Same for you, no? You're both gradually coming to terms, in your own way, in your own time, with having lost him.

It's a tragic situation all round, but please don't sacrifice your life and hers for the possible benefit of someone who cannot ever truly "come home." I hope you can find another solution and move on with your life. No one could say you didn't try a million percent to find a way forward that includes him. But he is, sadly, no longer available for inclusion in any plans that count on his being a husband and father.

It doesn't matter how good a man he was or is. If you don't love him or want to be with him or want to be his carer then that's ok. You don't have to be that person.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

What were the issues beforehand?

What kind of care is he likely to need? I know you don't know all the details yet but you say there is a list of things he can't do.

You say supported housing wouldn't be pretty... how do you mean?