I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

This

There are things my husband has done that
I will not forget. Even though I know he was unwell at the time He called the police and asked for our children to he taken into care because I didn't feed them and the house was full of mess and clutter. The police came round. He was out of the house, which I didn't realise until the police came round to do a welfare check. They them went round looking for him and he was sectioned. I stuck it out after this for 2 years. I have ended it because he kept stopping the medication, quitting jobs and refusing treatment. But even if he didn't do any of that, I couldn't imagine myself sitting on a Saga cruise with a man who tried to put my children in care ( and still periodically will come into my space to tell me the kids have no food and constantly tells this to MH professionals). I don't care about in sickness and health. I said those words before my children were born, and my priority and OPs is to them, not a grown adult.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. What’s his prognosis? When my brother was sectioned the consultant was brutally honest that he’d likely never get better (he’d had a psychotic ‘break’ and thought he was the son of God).

I think you may be mistaken about him getting housing. My brother is in a worse position with more serious condition and is not entitied to any housing.

@IveNameChangedObviously

First off, I'm sorry you were 'outed'. I didn't recognize you until that happened.

He is gearing up to discharge himself. I just dont even know what is going on now.

OK, CAVEAT; this is from a US position so I may be WAY off base!

My esDH has 'discharged himself', we call it 'AMA' (against medical advice) a few times when he shouldn't leave the hospital due to still being drunk. If your 'discharging himself' is anything like our AMA then they basically walk out with nothing. No discharge plan, no referrals, nothing. And no transportation, either. esDH has usually ordered an Uber or taxi for home as I will NOT pick him up and drive him to the house. But the main thing is that as a rule, in AMA no one calls and lets you know it's happening.

We are separated and I'm living in my own flat, he doesn't know where I live so when it happens it doesn't affect me or my little home.

What I'm saying is that if you don't already know, you need to find out right away what will happen. Because if it's like our AMA he's either going to call you or someone you know for a ride home and quite possibly he's going to show up at the house unannounced.

I don't know what if anything you could do to prevent that happening, but you need to have a plan nonetheless.

That read like AI. Repeatedly addressing 'you' with a recap you don't need (or in this case, false) is a bit of a giveaway.

That’s not at all helpful.

Unless you personally know DH husband then you don’t have enough information to advise on the eligibility and rules regarding his section 117 aftercare needs.

I think I remember you.

I think you need to engage with all the support he can access and be clear that you are not going to be his carer. You have to think of your child.

I don't think she is advising her. She said 'may' because she's sharing her experience.

And it is weird that he would be entitled to full housing even though he owns a property.

Ah sorry OP, I have indeed got the wrong end of the stick re your previous situation.
I think I'd still take the same position though. what I didn't get into was your DD's traumatised response - I think that deserves a lot of thought. Examination is probably not at this stage possible from what you say about her refusal to engage.
And I feel that if your relationship previously simply needed work, you wouldn't be feeling this dread. there would be a reservoir of feeling that would make you more likely to have an authentic 'in sickness and in health' position.
And beyond that, I feel that if he's not the person he was, it's ok to say you can't do this simply on that basis.
You'd also be protecting your dd from someone who is essentially a man you don't know (she seems to feel this too).
You can proceed on that basis alone.

Sorry for the misreading earlier.

Op says that he is entitled to aftercare.

I did read the bloody thread. All that was available to me at the time I wrote my comment. OP deliberately wanted to keep the back story from us, presumably so that it wouldn't colour our judgment of what she actually wanted to tell us. People have, for their own purposes disrupted the thread.
I am not wrong. It is extremely selfish to abandon someone you have promised to stay with "in sickness and in health" when they become ill. That is what the OP wanted to hear. If she had wanted all this stuff about her being unsafe, she would have linked it to her other threads so that the whole story was clear from the start. She name changed for a purpose. It is those that haven't respected the boundaries she herself set that are wrong.

OP did

Hi OP ~ I am sorry you got “outed”. I think you need to speak to the hospital team about your concerns he is gearing up to discharge himself while still lacking insight. And that this is a safety issue.

many years ago I stayed with a friend of a friend whose husband had sustained a frontal lobe injury in a car crash. She was getting ready to divorce him - he was so changed, he was not the man she’d married any more. She kept an eye on him after the divorce but just couldn’t face being married to him anymore. She said she could have coped with physical injuries and having to care for him, but the change of his personality was just too much to ignore.

you. Need to look after your daughter, who doesnt have other options. But also yourself. It does not sound like he will ever be the same again. I am so sorry.

Can any MH professionals advise on OP's best strategy to protect herself and her daughter? Am I right in thinking she needs to keep saying "This is not a safe discharge" or are there other magic words to conjure to crank the broken system into not shoving him back into a situation that helps no one?

Thank you. I’m genuinely jealous that you’ve had those experiences with men. I don’t wish you didn’t / haven’t had them but I am sad that I never have. It’s changed every fibre of my being, I’m twisted and bitter on the inside and I hate it. I used to be the life and soul of everywhere I was, always laughing and now I just pretend. Nothing excites me, I don’t look forward to anything, I don’t care about people’s sad stories. I’m not depressed or sad, it’s hard to explain, when you’re hurt really badly repeatedly something just happens to you, it’s like protecting me. I have had the worst luck with men
(not just romantically). I’m glad for you though, I want the best for women.

OP, please speak to his responsible clinician at the hospital. Also document your worries to the CQC. Is he due to have any MDT meetings?

He clearly isn’t well enough to return home.

He also isn’t well enough to be having important discussions with your re: your marriage and living arrangements.

I’m so sorry. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter, you’ve been through so much.

If he is capable of dropping in to see you for a visit, he must have some independence.

What sort of caring would you be expected to do? It doesn't sound like you'd be bathing him and changing an incontinence pad.

I'd be prepared to give it a try. You can live your own life, see friends, go out after work or whatever, with him living there.

If you really cannot face it, he must be able to have a decent place to live.

She said enough in her post to explain how difficult her situation is before she repeated her OP backstory.
You still judged.

The caring is a side issue, their safety is the primary problem here. Yes he needs to be housed elsewhere.

Lots of reading between the lines here.sounds pretty crap. Do what makes you happy and trust your gut instinct.

Don't you think he'd force you to sell? Hard to imagine he'll just willingly give up his home for nothing. And even if he will, are you certain he'd just be handed supported housing when he owns half a house?

It's hard to know what he has done or you have done. I dont get any real sense from your description of what is 'wrong' with him. I think if you feel that way, you'll have to split up and split everything between you and move on. Tell him so that he knows the score. Giving it a go doesnt sound like something you really want to do, so better to be honest then you can both get on with your lives. That would be better for your child too, who is clearly already suffering from the difficulty of the situation.

Of course people will disagree with me.
Love and vow's and promises mean bugger all when someone is so mentally ill or - physically in some cases that their behaviour is so abusive ,dangerous and threatening to their family that it is completely unsafe and unreasonable for the family to be expected to care for them.
I love my husband very much but he is over 6 feet tall and very strong and i know i could not defend myself and my youngest child from him if he were in a mental health crisis that put us in jeopardy.
Do my vows mean i have to take whatever abuse he does to me and our family when in a mental health crisis ?
I got married a long time ago , before civil ceremonies, before diy vows were common and i said what i said to become legally married , the same thing that many people did before today's 'options', those vow's didn't mean much as i'm not that much of a conformist and we both knew what we meant to each other and that was what mattered , my marriage is certainly not a sham, and the OP can ask for all the advise she needs whether she meant her vows at the time or not.
I imagine in the awful situation she is in her marriage vows are some of the last things to have crossed her mind.

It’s awful, for you, you can’t be st risk